seems kind of a blur now.
for several reasons, it didn't feel all that much like a normal christmas....we were in a rental house...i had to work right up until the weekend...no trip for me and daddy to pick out a much too big tree for our house...no weeks of prepartory gingerbread baking with rachel...no christmas eve service...no fireside naps with our pets on the floor (it was 73 degrees).
now, i'm not complaining....even by my obsessive proverbial standards for holiday cheer, it wasn't a bad christmas by any means...just sort of weird.
some normal-cy was acheived when, as usual, our family complied with the unspoken southern rule that every holiday meal must contain: collard greens, congealed jello salad, and pecan pie. sort of like a food version of the trinity. yum.
and of course we had the usual hysterically funny comments from my family:
Nana: "I think the funniest hurricane was that one a while back...Hugo?"
BoDaddy: "There was nothing funny about that hurricane!....All those darn people from Charleston drove to Walterboro and bought all our bread!"
(you can see that, despite my grandpa's apparent 17 year grudge about the lack of carbohydrates left for the poor residents of the 'boro, they were both very concerned for everyone's well being during one of the worst storms to hit Charleston.)
this was the first christmas in a long time that our tree did not fall over. strange accidental tradition i know, but in recent years we have had to resort to tieing it to a door. and it didn't fall over because this year our tree was a 2 foot plastic one (gasp! in my eyes this was christmas blasphemy) that was perched atop the entertainment center along with all our presents due to the spaztic tail movements of our new puppy.
but despite all the weirdness, i still got so excited on christmas eve that i hardly slept at all. i LOVE christmas...and as long as i can remember i have always been the first one awake. in the middle of the night, i tiptoe out to the den to just look at the tree and the lights and just listen... to the silence.
christmas eve is always so quiet...so still. when i was little, i used to wake up to make 100% sure that yes, Santa had come and then I would go back to sleep happy....Now when i wake up, i sit in the dark and think about things....about my family...about the past year...about what was going through mary and joseph and everyone's minds thousands of years ago. about how they had no idea what their miracle in a cave really meant for the world.
and then i climb back in bed and try to sleep for a few hours until i hear the rustlings of someone else awake...fixing coffee...putting something good smelling in the oven....and then the craziness of christmas begins.
i hope you had a merry christmas.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Sunday, December 17, 2006
alli's are smart
When I’m away from my source of peace
Something fills that space in me
And it feels like I don’t need you
It’s easy to get by
When I don’t even try to find the truth
Today I learned that faith
Is not to be obtained like a place I can go
--alli rogers
Something fills that space in me
And it feels like I don’t need you
It’s easy to get by
When I don’t even try to find the truth
Today I learned that faith
Is not to be obtained like a place I can go
--alli rogers
Monday, November 27, 2006
tie God up and put him in a little box
"The very scary thing about religion, to me, is that people actually believe God is who they think he is. By that I mean they have Him all figured out, mapped out...It makes me wonder if God created us in His image or if we created Him in ours." -donald miller
hmmm...interesting that we often create ridiculously screwed up, although usually convenient, versions of God in our heads. How many times when we pray do we tell him what we think he should be like and what he should do in our lives....that really he doesn't understand and he's doing it all wrong.
sometimes we forget we serve a mighty, passionate, jealous, loving, all powerful, holy, patient, strong, creative, genius sort of God.
and if we haven't forgotten, how come we aren't living like we know that?
hmmm...interesting that we often create ridiculously screwed up, although usually convenient, versions of God in our heads. How many times when we pray do we tell him what we think he should be like and what he should do in our lives....that really he doesn't understand and he's doing it all wrong.
sometimes we forget we serve a mighty, passionate, jealous, loving, all powerful, holy, patient, strong, creative, genius sort of God.
and if we haven't forgotten, how come we aren't living like we know that?
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
i know its not thanksgiving yet,
but in honor of the christmas spirit....i have a question.
what is a sugarplum?
is this a real actual food/candy item?
has anyone ever actually eaten or seen this infamous christmasy entity?
if so....is it good? have i been missing out?
and.......is it more of a sugary plum or plum flavored sugar?
what is a sugarplum?
is this a real actual food/candy item?
has anyone ever actually eaten or seen this infamous christmasy entity?
if so....is it good? have i been missing out?
and.......is it more of a sugary plum or plum flavored sugar?
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Saturday, November 11, 2006
workin 9 to 5 (and then some)
God is so cool.
not only do i have a job, but i have a job that i didn't technically apply for, and its a job that couldn't be better designed for me! If i would have known that this was coming along, i could have saved a LOT of time not having to fill out 357,952.844 resumes and cover letters. but maybe that was to make me more appreciative once i did get this job. hmm.
i am now the volunteer coordinator for carolina hospice care.
basically i get to:
-recruit and train volunteers, and then match them up with the right patients based on their gifts and personalities.
-hang out with patients
-plan events/ marketing stuff
-do whatever anybody else tells me to do :)
some days i wonder if its true that i really get paid for this. so far i have gotten to dress up for a therapy dog halloween parade at musc childrens hospital, go to the fair for our booth to give stuff away at senior day (aka old people trick or treating for pens and plastic cups), plan two wine and cheese parties, and the best part....go visit a lot of our patients.
i think i might have the coolest job ever.
not only do i have a job, but i have a job that i didn't technically apply for, and its a job that couldn't be better designed for me! If i would have known that this was coming along, i could have saved a LOT of time not having to fill out 357,952.844 resumes and cover letters. but maybe that was to make me more appreciative once i did get this job. hmm.
i am now the volunteer coordinator for carolina hospice care.
basically i get to:
-recruit and train volunteers, and then match them up with the right patients based on their gifts and personalities.
-hang out with patients
-plan events/ marketing stuff
-do whatever anybody else tells me to do :)
some days i wonder if its true that i really get paid for this. so far i have gotten to dress up for a therapy dog halloween parade at musc childrens hospital, go to the fair for our booth to give stuff away at senior day (aka old people trick or treating for pens and plastic cups), plan two wine and cheese parties, and the best part....go visit a lot of our patients.
i think i might have the coolest job ever.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Sunday, October 22, 2006
tiaras and plastic high heels can make a girl's day
this morning i saw something wonderful.
two little girls walked into a restaurant with their mom, completely decked out in sparkly princess costumes, tiaras atop tangled hair, and plastic dress up shoes. they proudly pranced in, completely unaware and unconcerned with the various reactions of everyone else in the restaurant.
many people (including our table) laughed or smiled, although i noticed a few dissaproving stares from people who clearly thought it was a ridiculous decision and/or poor parenting for the mom to let her kids out of the house like this. secretly i think part of me wanted to go shake those people.
i don't really care if the mom lost a battle with the little girls over getting dressed this morning or whether she actually encouraged the girls to dress up for their morning out. whether it was purposeful or not, i think it was a great decision. their excitement at wanting to show the world how special they were struck a chord in me. i think all girls want to know we are beautiful....that is probably why we like to get dressed up.
they made me smile because they reminded me of how little girls are by nature so secure in their beauty and confident in the belief that they are made to be princesses. its like it is instictively build into our very spirit. God made our hearts to work this way! ...sadly, after years of being hurt, rejected, taunted, or abandoned, the world strips us of our confidence, telling us we are too fat, too short, too stupid, or too weak. we are told that we are just like everybody else. bitterness and insecurity make us doubt that we are anything special...that we deserve to be loved.
and all the while God is gently trying to whisper to us how beautiful he thinks we are, how much he values us, how we are princesses and heirs to his kindgom. the King is enthralled by our beauty.
God whispered that to me today, and i am grateful.
two little girls walked into a restaurant with their mom, completely decked out in sparkly princess costumes, tiaras atop tangled hair, and plastic dress up shoes. they proudly pranced in, completely unaware and unconcerned with the various reactions of everyone else in the restaurant.
many people (including our table) laughed or smiled, although i noticed a few dissaproving stares from people who clearly thought it was a ridiculous decision and/or poor parenting for the mom to let her kids out of the house like this. secretly i think part of me wanted to go shake those people.
i don't really care if the mom lost a battle with the little girls over getting dressed this morning or whether she actually encouraged the girls to dress up for their morning out. whether it was purposeful or not, i think it was a great decision. their excitement at wanting to show the world how special they were struck a chord in me. i think all girls want to know we are beautiful....that is probably why we like to get dressed up.
they made me smile because they reminded me of how little girls are by nature so secure in their beauty and confident in the belief that they are made to be princesses. its like it is instictively build into our very spirit. God made our hearts to work this way! ...sadly, after years of being hurt, rejected, taunted, or abandoned, the world strips us of our confidence, telling us we are too fat, too short, too stupid, or too weak. we are told that we are just like everybody else. bitterness and insecurity make us doubt that we are anything special...that we deserve to be loved.
and all the while God is gently trying to whisper to us how beautiful he thinks we are, how much he values us, how we are princesses and heirs to his kindgom. the King is enthralled by our beauty.
God whispered that to me today, and i am grateful.
Monday, October 16, 2006
but he talks like a gentleman
"You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch him now, here he comes
He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when
you were young"
-the killers
interesting how we sometimes compromise our standards for simply "nice guys" because we are lonely and afraid that nothing better will come along....
yet its a constant battle to make ourselves (myself) understand and really live like we believe that, while someone may compliment your personality very nicely, no other person will ever be perfect enough to complete us - otherwise why would we need jesus?
such a delicate line between having legitimate spiritual expectations for a relationship and extending grace and understanding for the sin and failings that are present in all human beings.....
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch him now, here he comes
He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when
you were young"
-the killers
interesting how we sometimes compromise our standards for simply "nice guys" because we are lonely and afraid that nothing better will come along....
yet its a constant battle to make ourselves (myself) understand and really live like we believe that, while someone may compliment your personality very nicely, no other person will ever be perfect enough to complete us - otherwise why would we need jesus?
such a delicate line between having legitimate spiritual expectations for a relationship and extending grace and understanding for the sin and failings that are present in all human beings.....
Sunday, October 01, 2006
working on finding some work
so its been a looooooooooooong time.
sorry.
the only excuse i have to offer is that i have been distracted by the extremely time consuming process of finding a job.
really, it takes an awful lot of work to find a good place to work. so far, i probably have written, oh...about...537,246 cover letters/resumes. i even applied for random jobs i found on the internet that i am extremely NOT qualified for...just to see if they emailed me back.
i think i feel pressured to find something that, well...fits. not only because this will be my first "real" job...but also because i don't think i could handle wasting my life away doing something that i don't agree with or feel passionate about. also i am tired of being asked what i do for a living and having to respond, "well thats a good question.." i think its funny that so much of what we consider our identity is wrapped up in what kind of job we have. but strangely, i feel....sort of lost....without this part of me being fulfilled. its not a lack of purpose...more of a lack of routine maybe?
i guess i am slowly narrowing down my options....for instance, during these past few weeks of interviewing/applying i have realized that God did not make me to work in a large corporate environment. yuck. just going into some of these offices drained a few years off my life i think...these interviews consisted of me outwardly smiling and nodding while the person tried to convince me that i could be very happy in a grey forest of cubicles, while inside my head i'm thinking "RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"
we'll see what this weeks interviews bring.....say a prayer for me! :)
sorry.
the only excuse i have to offer is that i have been distracted by the extremely time consuming process of finding a job.
really, it takes an awful lot of work to find a good place to work. so far, i probably have written, oh...about...537,246 cover letters/resumes. i even applied for random jobs i found on the internet that i am extremely NOT qualified for...just to see if they emailed me back.
i think i feel pressured to find something that, well...fits. not only because this will be my first "real" job...but also because i don't think i could handle wasting my life away doing something that i don't agree with or feel passionate about. also i am tired of being asked what i do for a living and having to respond, "well thats a good question.." i think its funny that so much of what we consider our identity is wrapped up in what kind of job we have. but strangely, i feel....sort of lost....without this part of me being fulfilled. its not a lack of purpose...more of a lack of routine maybe?
i guess i am slowly narrowing down my options....for instance, during these past few weeks of interviewing/applying i have realized that God did not make me to work in a large corporate environment. yuck. just going into some of these offices drained a few years off my life i think...these interviews consisted of me outwardly smiling and nodding while the person tried to convince me that i could be very happy in a grey forest of cubicles, while inside my head i'm thinking "RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"
we'll see what this weeks interviews bring.....say a prayer for me! :)
Saturday, September 09, 2006
we have the best neighbors
exhibit A: the lady who lives next door pushes her dog around in a stroller, inside a shoebox, with upside down hangers for safety rails in case the dog should try and.... leap out or something.
i don't know.
maybe she's afraid the dog will get dirty if it walks on the ground?
well, linds and i have seen this lady many times and its really hard to explain the hilarousness of this to other people. so we thought it would be a great idea for me to take a picture of it.
mainly to prove to people that this lady really did exist and that we weren't just making it up.
i have made several previous unsuccessful attempts scrambling to get my camera on days that we spotted her out our kitchen window. however, a few weeks ago i saw her coming from a distance and i was ready. so, trying to be very sneaky-like, i took the picture from inside my room looking out the window....problem was, my stupid flash went off and i think she might have gotten a little suspicious because she started looking around everywhere. oh well.
if i don't get a job soon, then i think i might try and be her friend and we can both walk....or rather stroll...the dog together. or maybe i'll go get a dog and just start strolling it around myself. we'll see what the week holds. :)
Sunday, August 20, 2006
having ninja adventures...
...at midnight in clemson is always interesting.
somehow bill and kyle convinced me and lauren to go on the above mentioned sort of "adventure" this weekend. all we were told is that it would involve some climbing and having to dress in black...which made us a little skeptical at first, we did end up having lots of fun.
and while i won't go into too many details because i really don't know who reads this...i will just say that we got to see some great views of campus that we probably weren't supposed to see. :)
ssshhhh....its a secret
me and lauren holding tillman...kinda
me and my peter pan shadow!....this was real cool and fun
Sunday, August 13, 2006
time for a job
so....in the upcoming weeks i am working on getting some sort of job.
full time, part time, temporary, whatever...i am pretty open.
interestingly enough, i am trying to secure a job that is more ... ministry/counseling/grief/nonprofit/service type related rather than advertising/marketing related.
basically i feel the need to work with people and not design advertisements in a high-stress corporate environment. some people are gifted and called to do this. i realized i am not.
if i haven't talked with you recently, the quick explanation is that God has changed my heart a lot over this past year and he is slowly reminding/revealing to me that my passion always was (and still is) encouragement and helping those who are hurting (spiritually, emotionally, financially, or health-related).
I am not sure what exactly this type of work will look like yet, but I am researching a lot of options right now. I am in much prayer about it and i would appreciate your prayers (and/or career suggestions...haha) as well.
after this year, i have faith that God will make his purpose ever clearer in the days ahead.
"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation..." Psalm 5:3
full time, part time, temporary, whatever...i am pretty open.
interestingly enough, i am trying to secure a job that is more ... ministry/counseling/grief/nonprofit/service type related rather than advertising/marketing related.
basically i feel the need to work with people and not design advertisements in a high-stress corporate environment. some people are gifted and called to do this. i realized i am not.
if i haven't talked with you recently, the quick explanation is that God has changed my heart a lot over this past year and he is slowly reminding/revealing to me that my passion always was (and still is) encouragement and helping those who are hurting (spiritually, emotionally, financially, or health-related).
I am not sure what exactly this type of work will look like yet, but I am researching a lot of options right now. I am in much prayer about it and i would appreciate your prayers (and/or career suggestions...haha) as well.
after this year, i have faith that God will make his purpose ever clearer in the days ahead.
"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation..." Psalm 5:3
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Getting sized up
so quick little note about the (strange) highlight of my week:
in my doctor's visit a few days ago, they put me in the exam room RIGHT next to the scale AND left my door open.
I was very close to the scale....as in, the scale is against the wall beside the open doorway to my room. So, this...arrangement...thus enabled me to hear every comment of the people who walked past my door and got weighed in.
most of which were hilarious.
some of my favorite comments:
"well crap. that's awful high. hang on let me take off my hat." ---old man with a baseball cap.
"are you sure you are doing that right? do it again." [noise of nurse slowly sliding the scale again.] "well, i know what i weigh and it is NOT that. so you must be doing it wrong. here, let me do it. "[lots and lots of noise of the woman messing with the scale] "oh nevermind...is it really that important?" ---50ish year old lady
"oh my. do you think i'm shrinking?" ---really tiny old lady
"honey, i am way too old to be worrying about that anymore. i'm just happy i can still walk." ---really, really, really old man
in my doctor's visit a few days ago, they put me in the exam room RIGHT next to the scale AND left my door open.
I was very close to the scale....as in, the scale is against the wall beside the open doorway to my room. So, this...arrangement...thus enabled me to hear every comment of the people who walked past my door and got weighed in.
most of which were hilarious.
some of my favorite comments:
"well crap. that's awful high. hang on let me take off my hat." ---old man with a baseball cap.
"are you sure you are doing that right? do it again." [noise of nurse slowly sliding the scale again.] "well, i know what i weigh and it is NOT that. so you must be doing it wrong. here, let me do it. "[lots and lots of noise of the woman messing with the scale] "oh nevermind...is it really that important?" ---50ish year old lady
"oh my. do you think i'm shrinking?" ---really tiny old lady
"honey, i am way too old to be worrying about that anymore. i'm just happy i can still walk." ---really, really, really old man
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
weekend update
went to the doctor on friday and as always, i made friends with some random people which were a huge blessing in my day.
here's the news:
over the next 6 months, the strong dose of radiation that I recently recieved will kill off the remaining thyroid cells in my throat (cancerous and non-cancerous). i will be on my thyroid pills for the next 6 months and then I will stop them again to get scanned/checked at the end of january. Then based on whatever they find then determines the next step, if I'll get checked a year later, etc. etc. for several years.
with thyroid cancer, there is no real black and white, "cured, not cured, cancer free, in remission" type of terminology...at least not for a few years. what they can tell me is that they "expect" me to make a full recovery...sometime... eventually.
it makes me laugh because the poor stressed out doctors can't give anybody straight answers because they really are doing the best they can, but they don't know how the human body is going to react and they have to cover all the bases so they don't get fired or messed up in some nasty red tape for telling somebody the wrong thing. Sometimes I want to tell them that no matter what they tell me, that God is in control of whether I am miraculously healed tomorrow or whether we all are killed in the next 5 seconds....so really they can just do their jobs to the best of their ability and relax because ultimately someone else has the final say in what happens in life.
pretty much as soon as I finish getting adjusted to my medicine (another 2, 3ish weeks?) I should basically try to resume "normal" life and not worry about it until the end of january! God is asking me to faith it for 6 more months. And after the tremendous blessing of everything that has happened this year, I have no problem with trusting him with my health and everything else. :)
also this weekend, we all had the pleasure to send off sally katherine in style to serve in Central Asia for 2 years. leigh and i were lucky enough to get to distract her for the weekend while everyone else prepared for her surprise party (i will post pictures soon)....which was a surpise indeed, both for sally katherine, and for all of us in a way. whitney and emily did an amazing job orchestrating a great time of prayer and love and God's presence was definitely there.
you want to meet someone with a lot of faith? well she is blonde and about 5'2'' and she is about to burst because she is fulfilling God's purpose for her life in overseas missions in just a few more days. she inspires me to keep going. i love you sk. and we are all praying for you.
here's the news:
over the next 6 months, the strong dose of radiation that I recently recieved will kill off the remaining thyroid cells in my throat (cancerous and non-cancerous). i will be on my thyroid pills for the next 6 months and then I will stop them again to get scanned/checked at the end of january. Then based on whatever they find then determines the next step, if I'll get checked a year later, etc. etc. for several years.
with thyroid cancer, there is no real black and white, "cured, not cured, cancer free, in remission" type of terminology...at least not for a few years. what they can tell me is that they "expect" me to make a full recovery...sometime... eventually.
it makes me laugh because the poor stressed out doctors can't give anybody straight answers because they really are doing the best they can, but they don't know how the human body is going to react and they have to cover all the bases so they don't get fired or messed up in some nasty red tape for telling somebody the wrong thing. Sometimes I want to tell them that no matter what they tell me, that God is in control of whether I am miraculously healed tomorrow or whether we all are killed in the next 5 seconds....so really they can just do their jobs to the best of their ability and relax because ultimately someone else has the final say in what happens in life.
pretty much as soon as I finish getting adjusted to my medicine (another 2, 3ish weeks?) I should basically try to resume "normal" life and not worry about it until the end of january! God is asking me to faith it for 6 more months. And after the tremendous blessing of everything that has happened this year, I have no problem with trusting him with my health and everything else. :)
also this weekend, we all had the pleasure to send off sally katherine in style to serve in Central Asia for 2 years. leigh and i were lucky enough to get to distract her for the weekend while everyone else prepared for her surprise party (i will post pictures soon)....which was a surpise indeed, both for sally katherine, and for all of us in a way. whitney and emily did an amazing job orchestrating a great time of prayer and love and God's presence was definitely there.
you want to meet someone with a lot of faith? well she is blonde and about 5'2'' and she is about to burst because she is fulfilling God's purpose for her life in overseas missions in just a few more days. she inspires me to keep going. i love you sk. and we are all praying for you.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
something is coming but I don't know what
God is doing amazing things...crazy things. I don't know what else to say except it is weird and cool and beautiful and its all I can do to keep up...
"Look at the nations and watch - and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." Habakkuk 1:5
I keep telling mom I'm not going crazy.
But truthfully I am delerious with wonder most of the time.
"Look at the nations and watch - and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." Habakkuk 1:5
I keep telling mom I'm not going crazy.
But truthfully I am delerious with wonder most of the time.
Monday, July 24, 2006
good...night....i hope.
"She lay in bed all night watching the colors change
She lay in bed all night watching the morning change
She lay in bed all night watching the morning change into green and gold
The doctor told her years ago that she was ill
The doctor told her years ago to take a pill"
-belle and sebastian
for some reason this was hilarious to me considering that right now adjusting to my thyroid medicine is really affecting my sleeping schedule and/or routine. : )
thats all.
She lay in bed all night watching the morning change
She lay in bed all night watching the morning change into green and gold
The doctor told her years ago that she was ill
The doctor told her years ago to take a pill"
-belle and sebastian
for some reason this was hilarious to me considering that right now adjusting to my thyroid medicine is really affecting my sleeping schedule and/or routine. : )
thats all.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
free at last
i have been let out of my room!
i still have to be careful until i get scanned tomorrow about washing my hands, staying away from people, etc. but starting tomorrow i can rejoin society :)
(which means dad can stop running around singing "danger! she's radioactive!..." and mom can stop refering to me as her "little glow-worm")
and, hopefully in about 3 weeks (after i start my thyroid medicine and it adjusts), i will be normal aly once again.
my time in seclusion was very....spiritually...enlightening ?....i would say.
i went into it with the expectant attitude of hearing from God, and he certainly did not fail to show up (which, when we slow down enough to actually listen to him and be quiet...he can reveal some really cool things).
these past 3 days, i have done a LOT of reading....the Word, books, my journals, sermon notes......from the past year or so of my life...listening to music...and praying and listening for God to bring me purpose and understanding from this past year and for my life now that I am hopefully getting better.
which he did.
i threw out a lot of lies and insecurities and confusion that i wrote and believed about others...and God...and myself. they went into that little radioactive trashcan and are probably already burned up along with everything else i touched :) it was fabulously... freeing.
so....my spirit and body are healing together i guess.
my mom and i recently talked about the fact that i haven't been normal, non-medicated, not-sick ...Aly... in about a year.
a year.
that is a long long time to be gone. i have struggled this year in sorting out what is really my personality and what is a medicated strange version of myself.
*i have extremely loving close friends (both new and old) and family that have loved me and suffered alongside this big year of changes for me. i love you all for your prayers and understanding and patience through the tiredness, the tears, and the medicine. you know who you are and i want you to know i love you.*
but i know it has taken everything this past year to rip off some much needed layers of....well....crap...to be honest. i don't question anything that has happened to me because God has shown me numerous times this year how these hard things have been really....GOOD.
and God has blessed me INCREDIBLY by providing these insane experiences to teach me some very good things about Him, about others, and about myself....and my time of intense solitude provided me time with to reflect on these things. i don't regret them.
in about 3 weeks i'll be back. some of you that i have met recently have never even known the real Aly.
i miss her.
but she's coming back and "better than ever" haha.
i can't wait. :)
i still have to be careful until i get scanned tomorrow about washing my hands, staying away from people, etc. but starting tomorrow i can rejoin society :)
(which means dad can stop running around singing "danger! she's radioactive!..." and mom can stop refering to me as her "little glow-worm")
and, hopefully in about 3 weeks (after i start my thyroid medicine and it adjusts), i will be normal aly once again.
my time in seclusion was very....spiritually...enlightening ?....i would say.
i went into it with the expectant attitude of hearing from God, and he certainly did not fail to show up (which, when we slow down enough to actually listen to him and be quiet...he can reveal some really cool things).
these past 3 days, i have done a LOT of reading....the Word, books, my journals, sermon notes......from the past year or so of my life...listening to music...and praying and listening for God to bring me purpose and understanding from this past year and for my life now that I am hopefully getting better.
which he did.
i threw out a lot of lies and insecurities and confusion that i wrote and believed about others...and God...and myself. they went into that little radioactive trashcan and are probably already burned up along with everything else i touched :) it was fabulously... freeing.
so....my spirit and body are healing together i guess.
my mom and i recently talked about the fact that i haven't been normal, non-medicated, not-sick ...Aly... in about a year.
a year.
that is a long long time to be gone. i have struggled this year in sorting out what is really my personality and what is a medicated strange version of myself.
*i have extremely loving close friends (both new and old) and family that have loved me and suffered alongside this big year of changes for me. i love you all for your prayers and understanding and patience through the tiredness, the tears, and the medicine. you know who you are and i want you to know i love you.*
but i know it has taken everything this past year to rip off some much needed layers of....well....crap...to be honest. i don't question anything that has happened to me because God has shown me numerous times this year how these hard things have been really....GOOD.
and God has blessed me INCREDIBLY by providing these insane experiences to teach me some very good things about Him, about others, and about myself....and my time of intense solitude provided me time with to reflect on these things. i don't regret them.
in about 3 weeks i'll be back. some of you that i have met recently have never even known the real Aly.
i miss her.
but she's coming back and "better than ever" haha.
i can't wait. :)
Sunday, July 16, 2006
my big plastic paradise
i'm out!
well sort of.
out of the hospital. but i'm still secluded in my room at home, which no one can come into really for a few more days. i can open the door and talk to people, but pretty much i'm still pretty isolated.
my time in the hospital officially started when i got dropped off in my plastic room. momma laughed and so did i. (see pictures). the room was sort of like a really clean...big...plastic...prison of sorts. except no sketchy cell mate. and pretty much i was told to avoid touching anything that was not covered in saran wrap looking plastic.
after she dropped me off, i put on my gown and then the doctor came in and had a big, radioactive box, pulled out a pill in a glass vial with a pair of tongs, and told me to swallow the pill but to only touch the glass vial while doing it.
i followed instructions and then she threw the glass vial back in the box, measured me with a gun....
thing...
which reminded me of that little box they used on ghostbusters. then she shut the two sets of doors and left.
and no one came in for a loooong time.
to my dismay, i didn't glow in the dark...or anything remotely interesting (no ninja turtle skills). i really feel no different except for a really bad sore throat (which my doctor told me was normal).
they gave me food by a little system. they would announce that my [breakfast, lunch, etc.] was there and to make sure i was away from the outermost door. then they would come in the outside door, drop off the food in the little hallway area, tap on the innermost door to let me know, and leave. then i could go out into this little enclosed inbetween area and get my food, and then go back inside the innermost door. (does that make sense?) i couldn't ever open the outside door b/c i would leak out...or something.
when my doctor came to check on me to let me out, she scanned me, told me it would be a few more hours, and then came back and checked me again, had me signed some paperwork, and that was it. no one could come in my room until it was detoxed by some physicist after i left. and i had to walk way far away from everyone and momma drove me home and shut me up in my room. so here i am.
my time in the hospital (and now at home) was not bad.
strangely, it was almost ...nice.
i slept. i had no IV, no nurses taking my blood, and they brought me food (which momma is still currently having to do). i had/am having some much needed quality time with God (more details on this perhaps another day), listening to music, doing some things for myself for once (meaning arts/crafts) and taking.........lets call it ...a sabbatical.
here are some pictures that will provide not only proof for this bizarre experience, but hopefully some laughs. :)
doorway to my room! 
my big plastic covered room!
well sort of.
out of the hospital. but i'm still secluded in my room at home, which no one can come into really for a few more days. i can open the door and talk to people, but pretty much i'm still pretty isolated.
my time in the hospital officially started when i got dropped off in my plastic room. momma laughed and so did i. (see pictures). the room was sort of like a really clean...big...plastic...prison of sorts. except no sketchy cell mate. and pretty much i was told to avoid touching anything that was not covered in saran wrap looking plastic.
after she dropped me off, i put on my gown and then the doctor came in and had a big, radioactive box, pulled out a pill in a glass vial with a pair of tongs, and told me to swallow the pill but to only touch the glass vial while doing it.
i followed instructions and then she threw the glass vial back in the box, measured me with a gun....
thing...
which reminded me of that little box they used on ghostbusters. then she shut the two sets of doors and left.
and no one came in for a loooong time.
to my dismay, i didn't glow in the dark...or anything remotely interesting (no ninja turtle skills). i really feel no different except for a really bad sore throat (which my doctor told me was normal).
they gave me food by a little system. they would announce that my [breakfast, lunch, etc.] was there and to make sure i was away from the outermost door. then they would come in the outside door, drop off the food in the little hallway area, tap on the innermost door to let me know, and leave. then i could go out into this little enclosed inbetween area and get my food, and then go back inside the innermost door. (does that make sense?) i couldn't ever open the outside door b/c i would leak out...or something.
when my doctor came to check on me to let me out, she scanned me, told me it would be a few more hours, and then came back and checked me again, had me signed some paperwork, and that was it. no one could come in my room until it was detoxed by some physicist after i left. and i had to walk way far away from everyone and momma drove me home and shut me up in my room. so here i am.
my time in the hospital (and now at home) was not bad.
strangely, it was almost ...nice.
i slept. i had no IV, no nurses taking my blood, and they brought me food (which momma is still currently having to do). i had/am having some much needed quality time with God (more details on this perhaps another day), listening to music, doing some things for myself for once (meaning arts/crafts) and taking.........lets call it ...a sabbatical.
here are some pictures that will provide not only proof for this bizarre experience, but hopefully some laughs. :)
doorway to my room! 
yep. that's for my trash and linens.
my big plastic covered room! 
lazyboy anyone?
my phone and remote (these proved my biggest difficulty during my stay. i couldn't hear anyone on the phone and i had a really hard time reading the buttons on the remote. so after about an hour or so, i just didn't watch tv) :)
now, does this look like the face of someone who is radioactive? apparently it is.
my sink. 
yep. even the light switches and doorhandles were covered in plastic. :)
overall, this was and is continuing to be a funny/weird experience. i'm pretty sure this is real...but still i wonder, is this really my life?
Thursday, July 13, 2006
aren't you glad i didn't email this one?
some days i have the weirdest life.
so i went in on monday to the doctor and got some pretty great news as a result of the trial radiation dose and scan that i had last week! last week they gave me a pill and a few days later i got strapped down like a mummy in a machine to scan me for 30-45 min ....it had little lasers to detect just how close it could get to me without actually touching me. it got REAL close. and despite the fake clouds that they had carefully painted on the ceiling, the doctor suggested that i close my eyes. good idea.
on monday they told me the cancer hasn't really spread beyond my throat and they think one strong dose of radiation should take care of what is left. YAY.
i was supposed to get a pill, have to go home for the weekend and avoid people and then be done with it.
sounded simple enough to me, and despite some changes (see below), i feel extremely blessed that cancer is not eating me up from the inside out.
i realize that this is a result of MUCH prayer on YOUR parts. God has been so so so faithful to me through all of this and I cannot begin to express how much i have seen His love and hand through each and every one of you. your prayers and wisdom and words of encouragement amaze me.
so thank you. :) i love you.
well in my consult today things got a little bit ....more ....complicated...weird...funny..?
i started out in the cancer/radiation waiting room of the hospital which on a serious note, is a very sad place. everyone is burned in different places (most radiation does this to you...mine will not) and has little to no hair. mainly the hair loss is due to radiation/chemo (and no my hair will not fall out again thank goodness). but some of this is because they are all over 60 years old and have no hair anyway.
it reminded me a lot of my grandfather (who lost the battle to his thyroid cancer on Good Friday of this year, just a few days after I had my own thyroid tumor taken out). and how much loneliness and pain he must have felt sitting in a very similar waiting room like that every day for many many months. these people i looked at today had that same weariness in their faces. and it made me miss him.
i am reminded how blessed i am to only have to do this just one time when these people have to do it every day.
when they figured out that i was a patient too and was there for the same reason they were, i did get to make friends with some people over some hot chocolate and we exchanged stories about going bald. which made all of us laugh.
then i went in to see my new doctor (this makes #6 if you are keeping count haha)...she's great and i love her.
however, she determined that:
1. i am so hypothyroid i'm now off the chart and beyond the "high" number range haha (if you are a medical person you will understand this lol)
2. i now will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow (SURPRISE!) to get my radiation and have to stay in the hospital for 1-2 days in complete seclusion. i will be in a "wrapped" room (..."kind of like bubble boy" is how my doctor explained it) where literally everything is wrapped in plastic...stuff. they have to detox it when i leave ... strange.
since i will be a little human chernobyl for a day or two, i will have NO human contact (no nurses, no visitors, nada)....except for about 10 min. total or so where my doctor (who will be dressed in a special suit of some sort) will come in and scan my radioactivity level. ( i guess they slide my food through a little door maybe? haha...i will let you know how this works).
i can bring the clothes i have on, some books, toothbrush/etc. and my ipod (i had to beg for that).
thats it.
no cell phone, no computer. they are letting me use the hospital phone and the hospital tv. and apparently those are plastic coated as well.
then when i am let out, for the next 5-7 days i will be staying at mom and dad's house so i can have my own bathroom, dishes, etc. (which sadly destroys me and lindsey's original plan of having me walk the perimeter of the new house while i'm radioactive to kill off all the giant bugs...dang it.)
i have brought every art supply i own over to the house and i will have a week to paint, glue, scrapbook, scribble, organize and create in general.
i'm excited.
i even packed my painting pants. i know i'm weird.
RULES AND REGULATIONS:
*i CAN have visitors, but if you are going to be near me for more than a few minutes then you have to be about 4 or 5 feet away.
*i'm really supposed to mainly try and avoid pregnant people, children and/or midgets, and animals.
and sadly, no i'm not kidding. :) so if one of those categories applies to you, i'll see you in a week or so.
*i can go out in public, but my doctor suggest that i really limit this as much as i can.
*every day i'll be less and less radioactive, so if you are super paranoid and fear for your life....visit me at the end of the week......JUST KIDDING...i think?
5-7 days after my dose, i'll get scanned and hopefully get the go ahead by around next weekend sometime to start my medicine!!!!! then i'll get scanned again in 6-12 months to make sure no cancer has come back. but they are planning on knocking this whole thing out in one strong dose which i am very grateful for. so in a few weeks hopefully i will be adjusted to my new medicine and can once again resume normal social activity, energy level, and body temperature!!!!!
so.
i plan on using my major alone time in the hospital to have some much needed "father daughter" time (as deb calls it) with my jesus. if God had your undivided attention for 1-2 days with no distractions, think about how much he could teach you! i'm kind of excited. i am ready to hear his voice.
also i am curious to see if i will glow in the dark. just a thought.
also, depending on just how secluded i am (i'm checking for cameras), i may become a little living ipod advertisement and have a little dance party in my big plastic room with my music. after all, nobody can bust up in there on me because i might ....i don't know...mutate them ...or something... haha.
**side note: the best comment i have heard so far regarding all this radioactivity comes from bill who suggested:
"well, maybe if you touch a turtle or something you'll mutate and be like the ninja turtles with cool powers and skills! "
one can only hope. :)
God is teaching me not only about trust and being flexible (aka not in control), but also about hearing his voice. i read something today that said, "often what i consider interruptions are divine distractions designed to reveal His plans for me."
although as of this morning, none of this was supposed to happen, i have faith that this unplanned solitude will bring about great things.
i'll let ya'll know how it goes. i'm charging up my ipod, packing up my books, and enjoying the sights and sounds of the night. see you on the outside people.
so i went in on monday to the doctor and got some pretty great news as a result of the trial radiation dose and scan that i had last week! last week they gave me a pill and a few days later i got strapped down like a mummy in a machine to scan me for 30-45 min ....it had little lasers to detect just how close it could get to me without actually touching me. it got REAL close. and despite the fake clouds that they had carefully painted on the ceiling, the doctor suggested that i close my eyes. good idea.
on monday they told me the cancer hasn't really spread beyond my throat and they think one strong dose of radiation should take care of what is left. YAY.
i was supposed to get a pill, have to go home for the weekend and avoid people and then be done with it.
sounded simple enough to me, and despite some changes (see below), i feel extremely blessed that cancer is not eating me up from the inside out.
i realize that this is a result of MUCH prayer on YOUR parts. God has been so so so faithful to me through all of this and I cannot begin to express how much i have seen His love and hand through each and every one of you. your prayers and wisdom and words of encouragement amaze me.
so thank you. :) i love you.
well in my consult today things got a little bit ....more ....complicated...weird...funny..?
i started out in the cancer/radiation waiting room of the hospital which on a serious note, is a very sad place. everyone is burned in different places (most radiation does this to you...mine will not) and has little to no hair. mainly the hair loss is due to radiation/chemo (and no my hair will not fall out again thank goodness). but some of this is because they are all over 60 years old and have no hair anyway.
it reminded me a lot of my grandfather (who lost the battle to his thyroid cancer on Good Friday of this year, just a few days after I had my own thyroid tumor taken out). and how much loneliness and pain he must have felt sitting in a very similar waiting room like that every day for many many months. these people i looked at today had that same weariness in their faces. and it made me miss him.
i am reminded how blessed i am to only have to do this just one time when these people have to do it every day.
when they figured out that i was a patient too and was there for the same reason they were, i did get to make friends with some people over some hot chocolate and we exchanged stories about going bald. which made all of us laugh.
then i went in to see my new doctor (this makes #6 if you are keeping count haha)...she's great and i love her.
however, she determined that:
1. i am so hypothyroid i'm now off the chart and beyond the "high" number range haha (if you are a medical person you will understand this lol)
2. i now will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow (SURPRISE!) to get my radiation and have to stay in the hospital for 1-2 days in complete seclusion. i will be in a "wrapped" room (..."kind of like bubble boy" is how my doctor explained it) where literally everything is wrapped in plastic...stuff. they have to detox it when i leave ... strange.
since i will be a little human chernobyl for a day or two, i will have NO human contact (no nurses, no visitors, nada)....except for about 10 min. total or so where my doctor (who will be dressed in a special suit of some sort) will come in and scan my radioactivity level. ( i guess they slide my food through a little door maybe? haha...i will let you know how this works).
i can bring the clothes i have on, some books, toothbrush/etc. and my ipod (i had to beg for that).
thats it.
no cell phone, no computer. they are letting me use the hospital phone and the hospital tv. and apparently those are plastic coated as well.
then when i am let out, for the next 5-7 days i will be staying at mom and dad's house so i can have my own bathroom, dishes, etc. (which sadly destroys me and lindsey's original plan of having me walk the perimeter of the new house while i'm radioactive to kill off all the giant bugs...dang it.)
i have brought every art supply i own over to the house and i will have a week to paint, glue, scrapbook, scribble, organize and create in general.
i'm excited.
i even packed my painting pants. i know i'm weird.
RULES AND REGULATIONS:
*i CAN have visitors, but if you are going to be near me for more than a few minutes then you have to be about 4 or 5 feet away.
*i'm really supposed to mainly try and avoid pregnant people, children and/or midgets, and animals.
and sadly, no i'm not kidding. :) so if one of those categories applies to you, i'll see you in a week or so.
*i can go out in public, but my doctor suggest that i really limit this as much as i can.
*every day i'll be less and less radioactive, so if you are super paranoid and fear for your life....visit me at the end of the week......JUST KIDDING...i think?
5-7 days after my dose, i'll get scanned and hopefully get the go ahead by around next weekend sometime to start my medicine!!!!! then i'll get scanned again in 6-12 months to make sure no cancer has come back. but they are planning on knocking this whole thing out in one strong dose which i am very grateful for. so in a few weeks hopefully i will be adjusted to my new medicine and can once again resume normal social activity, energy level, and body temperature!!!!!
so.
i plan on using my major alone time in the hospital to have some much needed "father daughter" time (as deb calls it) with my jesus. if God had your undivided attention for 1-2 days with no distractions, think about how much he could teach you! i'm kind of excited. i am ready to hear his voice.
also i am curious to see if i will glow in the dark. just a thought.
also, depending on just how secluded i am (i'm checking for cameras), i may become a little living ipod advertisement and have a little dance party in my big plastic room with my music. after all, nobody can bust up in there on me because i might ....i don't know...mutate them ...or something... haha.
**side note: the best comment i have heard so far regarding all this radioactivity comes from bill who suggested:
"well, maybe if you touch a turtle or something you'll mutate and be like the ninja turtles with cool powers and skills! "
one can only hope. :)
God is teaching me not only about trust and being flexible (aka not in control), but also about hearing his voice. i read something today that said, "often what i consider interruptions are divine distractions designed to reveal His plans for me."
although as of this morning, none of this was supposed to happen, i have faith that this unplanned solitude will bring about great things.
i'll let ya'll know how it goes. i'm charging up my ipod, packing up my books, and enjoying the sights and sounds of the night. see you on the outside people.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
would you change?
If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?Would you change?
If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change? Makes you change?
If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change? Would you change?
If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change? Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?Makes you change?
Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows
are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling? Why risk falling?
If everything you think you know, Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?Would you change?
If you'd broken every rule and vow, And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change? Would you change?
If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
-tracy chapman
its interesting to me the many ways that God gets our attention.....and just what does it take for us to really make a change in how we live and how we love other people......
i have a ....potentially.... life changing day tomorrow.
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?Would you change?
If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change? Makes you change?
If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change? Would you change?
If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change? Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?Makes you change?
Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows
are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling? Why risk falling?
If everything you think you know, Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?Would you change?
If you'd broken every rule and vow, And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change? Would you change?
If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
-tracy chapman
its interesting to me the many ways that God gets our attention.....and just what does it take for us to really make a change in how we live and how we love other people......
i have a ....potentially.... life changing day tomorrow.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
happy new year!
thats right...i said happy new year.
nope, i don't have my holidays confused and they haven't rearranged the calendar...at least not just yet.
but today is a new year. i decided i am starting over. its the start of a new life. (for me and anyone else who wants to join)
why today you ask? many various and sundry reasons which would take too long to discuss.
but i do have them. reasons i mean.
(random side note: i particularly enjoy the word sundry. in both noun and adjective form.
definition: sundry:
(adj) consisting of a haphazard assortment of different kinds (even to the point of incongruity); "assorted sizes"; "miscellaneous accessories"; "a mixed program of baroque and contemporary music"; "a motley crew";
(noun): odds and ends, miscellaneous unspecified objects
not only do i think sundry would be a cool name for a band, but for some reason it reminds me of the oregon trail game we played when we were little....
and the little screen would remind you to get your 'sundries' at the general store before you embarked out west to cross rivers and change broken wheel axles and eventually die of cholera or a rattlesnake bite.
don't even try to hide the fact that really we all played to shoot the deer and the little prarie dogs. but really, how awesome was oregon trail day at school...'sigh'....)
okay. i'm back.
in starting my new life and my yellow brick road to recovery from all this cancer mess,
i got my first trial round of radiation treatment today.
at about 8 something this morning, they took me into a room labeled the 'hot lab,' sat me down in a special chair in a room full of weird instruments and needles and gave me.....a pill. and then some guy watched me take the pill and drink a big glass of water, stared at me for a minute or two (was he waiting to see if i started glowing or something?) and then said..."okay, you can go."
very anticlimactic no?
but hey, i'm not complaining :)
i am scheduled to go in on friday and get scanned for 30 min-hour or so and the radioactive stuff in the pill will show up on the scan and hopefully show them more of where the cancer is...which they will discuss with me the beginning of next week.
also on my new years day, i made a trip to the...healthy whole world earth vegan organic food fare grocery store...whatever...to try and embrace my new life of healthy eating.
i wandered around for about an hour and made several pleasing discoveries regarding this new change in diet:
1. organic earth eater people actually do eat chocolate. (yay). they just eat it mixed with healthier organic-y stuff like fruit and granola and other all natural ...stuff. i tried some. it was good.
2. they have a wall with every sort of dried fruit, seeds, beans, nuts, flake, fiber, candy, oats, mix and granola you could imagine. i made my own trail mix from this wall and you can put it in these little bags and take them home and mix them together. its kind of like making up your own cereal with whatever you want in it. WHATEVER you want. this wall-o-magic has the potential to amaze me for hours.
3. they have a whole pet food/accessory aisle. so not only can you go organic, but so can your dog, cat, fish, bird, rat, guinea pig, hamster, hermit crab and ant farm. just in case you were curious.
4. AND they had a paula deen cooking magazine in the checkout aisle. not only does this prove that if paula deen is in the organic grocery store, it shows that her cooking can't be all that unhealthy for you, this also upped the overall coolness factor of the grocery store in my eyes.
going all earth mother-y sometimes will not be so horrible after all.
so i say, why not today?
july 4th and new years eve are not all that different. both have lots of fireworks. both are holidays celebrated mostly at night marking independence and new beginnings. see my point?
and i am in the midst of making some new years resolution-type changes in my life.
so i say HAPPY NEW YEAR! to you on this 5th of july, 2006.
nope, i don't have my holidays confused and they haven't rearranged the calendar...at least not just yet.
but today is a new year. i decided i am starting over. its the start of a new life. (for me and anyone else who wants to join)
why today you ask? many various and sundry reasons which would take too long to discuss.
but i do have them. reasons i mean.
(random side note: i particularly enjoy the word sundry. in both noun and adjective form.
definition: sundry:
(adj) consisting of a haphazard assortment of different kinds (even to the point of incongruity); "assorted sizes"; "miscellaneous accessories"; "a mixed program of baroque and contemporary music"; "a motley crew";
(noun): odds and ends, miscellaneous unspecified objects
not only do i think sundry would be a cool name for a band, but for some reason it reminds me of the oregon trail game we played when we were little....
and the little screen would remind you to get your 'sundries' at the general store before you embarked out west to cross rivers and change broken wheel axles and eventually die of cholera or a rattlesnake bite.
don't even try to hide the fact that really we all played to shoot the deer and the little prarie dogs. but really, how awesome was oregon trail day at school...'sigh'....)
okay. i'm back.
in starting my new life and my yellow brick road to recovery from all this cancer mess,
i got my first trial round of radiation treatment today.
at about 8 something this morning, they took me into a room labeled the 'hot lab,' sat me down in a special chair in a room full of weird instruments and needles and gave me.....a pill. and then some guy watched me take the pill and drink a big glass of water, stared at me for a minute or two (was he waiting to see if i started glowing or something?) and then said..."okay, you can go."
very anticlimactic no?
but hey, i'm not complaining :)
i am scheduled to go in on friday and get scanned for 30 min-hour or so and the radioactive stuff in the pill will show up on the scan and hopefully show them more of where the cancer is...which they will discuss with me the beginning of next week.
also on my new years day, i made a trip to the...healthy whole world earth vegan organic food fare grocery store...whatever...to try and embrace my new life of healthy eating.
i wandered around for about an hour and made several pleasing discoveries regarding this new change in diet:
1. organic earth eater people actually do eat chocolate. (yay). they just eat it mixed with healthier organic-y stuff like fruit and granola and other all natural ...stuff. i tried some. it was good.
2. they have a wall with every sort of dried fruit, seeds, beans, nuts, flake, fiber, candy, oats, mix and granola you could imagine. i made my own trail mix from this wall and you can put it in these little bags and take them home and mix them together. its kind of like making up your own cereal with whatever you want in it. WHATEVER you want. this wall-o-magic has the potential to amaze me for hours.
3. they have a whole pet food/accessory aisle. so not only can you go organic, but so can your dog, cat, fish, bird, rat, guinea pig, hamster, hermit crab and ant farm. just in case you were curious.
4. AND they had a paula deen cooking magazine in the checkout aisle. not only does this prove that if paula deen is in the organic grocery store, it shows that her cooking can't be all that unhealthy for you, this also upped the overall coolness factor of the grocery store in my eyes.
going all earth mother-y sometimes will not be so horrible after all.
so i say, why not today?
july 4th and new years eve are not all that different. both have lots of fireworks. both are holidays celebrated mostly at night marking independence and new beginnings. see my point?
and i am in the midst of making some new years resolution-type changes in my life.
so i say HAPPY NEW YEAR! to you on this 5th of july, 2006.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
actually hoping to be sick tomorrow :)
so i'm going to be tested tomorrow at the cancer doctor to see if they can start radiation next week.
i have to be really hypothyroid (for all you non-medical types like myself, really hypothyroid= really sick) for the radiation to work properly. and i've been feelin ...funny ("funny" as in...not the greatest) recently so hopefully that is a good sign haha!
so cross your fingers that i am sick enough to start getting better.
i have to be really hypothyroid (for all you non-medical types like myself, really hypothyroid= really sick) for the radiation to work properly. and i've been feelin ...funny ("funny" as in...not the greatest) recently so hopefully that is a good sign haha!
so cross your fingers that i am sick enough to start getting better.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
my hair vs. the mullet
continuing to grow out my hair through some awkward stages without it turning into a mullet is a challenge on a daily basis....haha. it is more difficult than you would think.
now... this is not to say that i haven't seen some quality 80's-esque mullets walking around during my time in south carolina. because i have, believe me. :) but i just don't think i can quite pull it off. call me crazy.
however, much celebration was had by all (okay just me)
when i recently discovered :
1. i can now hold my hair back with some clips and it is finally long enough to stay. (this resulted in me forcing lindsey to look at my head while i jumped up and down in excitement in front of the bathroom mirror).
2. AND a good bit of my hair is long enough to tuck behind my ears.
these are two tiny things most people (okay maybe just girls) take for granted. or at least you take for granted until all your hair falls out.
it has hit me that i pretty much look like a normal person again.
for so long it was really physically obvious that something was wrong with me (first the baldness/short hair, then the huge napkin looking bandage around my neck)...both of which resulted in a lot of questions from people. my hair is still short, but a normal person short. and i still have a red scar on my neck that people notice a good bit, but it is slowly getting a lot better.
all these things seem pretty insignificant, but people automatically associate how you look with how you feel. so i guess to be perfectly honest...
recently it has been easier to pretend that i am and i feel....
normal.
even though i'm not really "normal" and i don't feel "normal", its easier to keep up appearances.
i wonder sometimes...
does that mean i'm acting fake? being private? in denial?
or just ...blending in?
i don't know.
do you?
some words from the truth:
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment... Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful."1 Peter 3:3-5
along with pedro the lion's commentary on the lies that the world tells us:
"put on whatever makes you attractive
if it's not you
then do it for the sake of fashion
your friends like a certain you
that's who you've got to be...
wisdom from a beauty queen
her tiara diggin deep in her head
i'm starting to think that i'm kind of shy
or at least i'd like to be...
so take it all off with lasers
so it never comes back
then we can pretend it's natural"
very interesting.
now... this is not to say that i haven't seen some quality 80's-esque mullets walking around during my time in south carolina. because i have, believe me. :) but i just don't think i can quite pull it off. call me crazy.
however, much celebration was had by all (okay just me)
when i recently discovered :
1. i can now hold my hair back with some clips and it is finally long enough to stay. (this resulted in me forcing lindsey to look at my head while i jumped up and down in excitement in front of the bathroom mirror).
2. AND a good bit of my hair is long enough to tuck behind my ears.
these are two tiny things most people (okay maybe just girls) take for granted. or at least you take for granted until all your hair falls out.
it has hit me that i pretty much look like a normal person again.
for so long it was really physically obvious that something was wrong with me (first the baldness/short hair, then the huge napkin looking bandage around my neck)...both of which resulted in a lot of questions from people. my hair is still short, but a normal person short. and i still have a red scar on my neck that people notice a good bit, but it is slowly getting a lot better.
all these things seem pretty insignificant, but people automatically associate how you look with how you feel. so i guess to be perfectly honest...
recently it has been easier to pretend that i am and i feel....
normal.
even though i'm not really "normal" and i don't feel "normal", its easier to keep up appearances.
i wonder sometimes...
does that mean i'm acting fake? being private? in denial?
or just ...blending in?
i don't know.
do you?
some words from the truth:
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment... Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful."1 Peter 3:3-5
along with pedro the lion's commentary on the lies that the world tells us:
"put on whatever makes you attractive
if it's not you
then do it for the sake of fashion
your friends like a certain you
that's who you've got to be...
wisdom from a beauty queen
her tiara diggin deep in her head
i'm starting to think that i'm kind of shy
or at least i'd like to be...
so take it all off with lasers
so it never comes back
then we can pretend it's natural"
very interesting.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
my weekend at edisto
consisted of:
going to the beach until the tide pushed us in for lunch.
nap time.
drivin out to the boat landing with BoDaddy to watch the tourists attempt (key word: attempt) to put their boats on their trailers for our afternoon entertainment.
sunset walk on the beach.
fallin asleep to the sound of everyone snoring but me and daddy (who was smart enough to bring ear plugs).
fishing and more importantly, a BIG fish. (32 inch spottail)
father's day/birthday lunch.
5 dogs, 3 boats, and one sunburn.
it was fabulous.
Quoteable quotes from our crazy family
"He's 86?!"
"Yeaha...don't you know if you live down here in the salt air, you live forever?"
"Really....I'd of thought you'd rust."
"Nah...that don't kill you. that just keeps the mosquitos away."
"I think that fishin pole bruised my organs"
"NO MULLET!"
(anyone who was in hearing distance may have thought that we were repeatedly upset about a particularly bad 80s hairstyle.... but really we were just yelling at one of the dogs haha)
and proof that my family revolves around food:
Me: "Don't you know this family at all? If you want to convince her to do it a yellow color, don't use the word yellow. Use something to do with food. You know, call it like ...creamed corn....or butter grits...something like that."
15 min later...
Daddy:"Well how bout a creamed corn color?"
Mama: "Mmmm....I like that...creamed corn."
Nana: "Speakin of corn, what do you want for dinner?"
Mama: "He looks kind of...ill."
BoDaddy: "We'll he's been sellin tomatos outta da back of that truck for 20 years! You'd look ill too."
Nana: "Speakin of tomatos, how bout we have some blt's for lunch?"
:)
going to the beach until the tide pushed us in for lunch.
nap time.
drivin out to the boat landing with BoDaddy to watch the tourists attempt (key word: attempt) to put their boats on their trailers for our afternoon entertainment.
sunset walk on the beach.
fallin asleep to the sound of everyone snoring but me and daddy (who was smart enough to bring ear plugs).
fishing and more importantly, a BIG fish. (32 inch spottail)
father's day/birthday lunch.
5 dogs, 3 boats, and one sunburn.
it was fabulous.
awesome awesome awesome sunset.
Quoteable quotes from our crazy family
"He's 86?!"
"Yeaha...don't you know if you live down here in the salt air, you live forever?"
"Really....I'd of thought you'd rust."
"Nah...that don't kill you. that just keeps the mosquitos away."
"I think that fishin pole bruised my organs"
"NO MULLET!"
(anyone who was in hearing distance may have thought that we were repeatedly upset about a particularly bad 80s hairstyle.... but really we were just yelling at one of the dogs haha)
and proof that my family revolves around food:
Me: "Don't you know this family at all? If you want to convince her to do it a yellow color, don't use the word yellow. Use something to do with food. You know, call it like ...creamed corn....or butter grits...something like that."
15 min later...
Daddy:"Well how bout a creamed corn color?"
Mama: "Mmmm....I like that...creamed corn."
Nana: "Speakin of corn, what do you want for dinner?"
Mama: "He looks kind of...ill."
BoDaddy: "We'll he's been sellin tomatos outta da back of that truck for 20 years! You'd look ill too."
Nana: "Speakin of tomatos, how bout we have some blt's for lunch?"
:)
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
hosea
God doesn't care if i know why or if i understand.
God cares if i obey.
so simple. yet so hard.
"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens - what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave - what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea." Job 11: 7-9
"God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding." Job 37:5
good example: hosea.
God says do something that seems pretty crazy. but he does it.
hosea is humbly and immediately obedient. he doesn't tell God..."um hang on..i'm not really sure, let me go think about that.."
this week, God made a point to remind me of this.
i know he made a point of this because this same...lesson...came repeatedly from several different, unconnected sources speaking truth into my life (and other people's lives hopefully).
so after about the third time this got brought up over the course of a few days, i figured it might be something pretty important that i should take some time to think about what this ...blind obedience...really looks like every day.
evvvvvvery day.
God cares if i obey.
so simple. yet so hard.
"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens - what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave - what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea." Job 11: 7-9
"God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding." Job 37:5
good example: hosea.
God says do something that seems pretty crazy. but he does it.
hosea is humbly and immediately obedient. he doesn't tell God..."um hang on..i'm not really sure, let me go think about that.."
this week, God made a point to remind me of this.
i know he made a point of this because this same...lesson...came repeatedly from several different, unconnected sources speaking truth into my life (and other people's lives hopefully).
so after about the third time this got brought up over the course of a few days, i figured it might be something pretty important that i should take some time to think about what this ...blind obedience...really looks like every day.
evvvvvvery day.
Monday, June 12, 2006
if you are looking for me, i'll be reading labels on the organic aisle in publix, thanks.
so.
recently i have been ...struggling (frustrated?) with having to permanently re-adjust my eating habits.
sometimes i don't feel like eating at all. when i do, a lot of times i want to eat like a normal person again and not have to incorporate new and weird and healthy things into my diet like barley and tofu and...raisins. i want to eat nothing but lucky charms and mashed potatoes and chewy chocolate chip cookies and all the yummy processed things that me and my screwed up immune system are not supposed to eat.
sometimes... i really break the rules and am stupid and then pay the consequences when i get sick.
sometimes... its totally worth it. a lot of times its not.
going out to eat is weird.
people ask if i am a vegetarian.
no.
hello can i take your orders?
normal people: yes i would like the flounder stuffed with crab and homemade macaroni and cheese on the side...i'll have the cheeseburger with french fries....lasagna and breadsticks...
me: hi, um...yes, i'll just have salad please. and could you take off the [insert unhealthy salad topping here] please? and put dressing on the side?
are you "anorexic or something"?
no.
normal people: yes i want to order a barbeque sandwich, hushpuppies, and coleslaw.
me: [after looking at the menu] ....do you have hot tea?
thus the problem.
granted, a little exaggerated. but you get the point.
i have compromised and bought those weird and healthy things (i have not actually eaten them yet, but they are in the pantry). mainly i am trying to (and should be) eating mostly fruit and veggies and other plain, plain healthy food because it helps me get better and feel better and be able to play and do normal things.
i have to just limit the amount of all the processed stuff (also known as normal food)...haha.
but....
because of this ...issue... i am learning a lot about discipline and/or self-control and/or moderation. in food and in lots of other areas of my life.
and reading in philippians the other day, i came across this:
"For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends! -Philippians 3:18-4:1
i don't want to have my stomach become a lowercase god for me.
so i am trying to take better care of myself these days (although i do allow myself occasional and much needed splurges haha).
God is transforming me to be more like him...even through my food. which is kind of cool. :)
recently i have been ...struggling (frustrated?) with having to permanently re-adjust my eating habits.
sometimes i don't feel like eating at all. when i do, a lot of times i want to eat like a normal person again and not have to incorporate new and weird and healthy things into my diet like barley and tofu and...raisins. i want to eat nothing but lucky charms and mashed potatoes and chewy chocolate chip cookies and all the yummy processed things that me and my screwed up immune system are not supposed to eat.
sometimes... i really break the rules and am stupid and then pay the consequences when i get sick.
sometimes... its totally worth it. a lot of times its not.
going out to eat is weird.
people ask if i am a vegetarian.
no.
hello can i take your orders?
normal people: yes i would like the flounder stuffed with crab and homemade macaroni and cheese on the side...i'll have the cheeseburger with french fries....lasagna and breadsticks...
me: hi, um...yes, i'll just have salad please. and could you take off the [insert unhealthy salad topping here] please? and put dressing on the side?
are you "anorexic or something"?
no.
normal people: yes i want to order a barbeque sandwich, hushpuppies, and coleslaw.
me: [after looking at the menu] ....do you have hot tea?
thus the problem.
granted, a little exaggerated. but you get the point.
i have compromised and bought those weird and healthy things (i have not actually eaten them yet, but they are in the pantry). mainly i am trying to (and should be) eating mostly fruit and veggies and other plain, plain healthy food because it helps me get better and feel better and be able to play and do normal things.
i have to just limit the amount of all the processed stuff (also known as normal food)...haha.
but....
because of this ...issue... i am learning a lot about discipline and/or self-control and/or moderation. in food and in lots of other areas of my life.
and reading in philippians the other day, i came across this:
"For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends! -Philippians 3:18-4:1
i don't want to have my stomach become a lowercase god for me.
so i am trying to take better care of myself these days (although i do allow myself occasional and much needed splurges haha).
God is transforming me to be more like him...even through my food. which is kind of cool. :)
Sunday, June 11, 2006
alien bugs and 5am warfare
large amounts of febreeze do not kill roaches.
they do not, however, seem to enjoy windex.
i discovered this at about 5:30am this morning when i awoke to a crackling noise in my room. after turning on the light i found a gigantic lowcountry roach making LOUD CRACKLING noises (was he trying to talk to me?!) on my bookcase.
due to the fact that he was residing on some... breakable items.... and due to the fact that it was 5 something am and i was not in the best state of mind, i did not attempt to beat him with a shoe or other hard object. instead i grabbed the nearest cleaning supplies (we don't have bugspray yet), jumped on my chair (which is what girls do) and let him have it as he crawled away to a spot i couldn't reach.
he's somewhere behind my desk drowning in rainforest falls scented chemicals.
i hope he crackles his way right into the roach trap i slid under there and dies a windex-y death.
i miss being in clemson and living next to andrew and danny who could be called at all hours of the night to kill off whatever giant bug and/or small alien creature that may have invaded our apartment. but here in charleston i have a really nice roomate who comes to check on me when i am engaged in battle with bugs early in the morning and loud strange noises are coming from my room.
and at least now my room smells really clean.
they do not, however, seem to enjoy windex.
i discovered this at about 5:30am this morning when i awoke to a crackling noise in my room. after turning on the light i found a gigantic lowcountry roach making LOUD CRACKLING noises (was he trying to talk to me?!) on my bookcase.
due to the fact that he was residing on some... breakable items.... and due to the fact that it was 5 something am and i was not in the best state of mind, i did not attempt to beat him with a shoe or other hard object. instead i grabbed the nearest cleaning supplies (we don't have bugspray yet), jumped on my chair (which is what girls do) and let him have it as he crawled away to a spot i couldn't reach.
he's somewhere behind my desk drowning in rainforest falls scented chemicals.
i hope he crackles his way right into the roach trap i slid under there and dies a windex-y death.
i miss being in clemson and living next to andrew and danny who could be called at all hours of the night to kill off whatever giant bug and/or small alien creature that may have invaded our apartment. but here in charleston i have a really nice roomate who comes to check on me when i am engaged in battle with bugs early in the morning and loud strange noises are coming from my room.
and at least now my room smells really clean.
Monday, June 05, 2006
"the final countdown" (to continue the 80s theme of the weekend)
its been almost exactly 2 months since i got diagnosed with cancer....a mini cancer-versary if you will.
and after not wasting a second of this last weekend, (see picture of the awesome 80s block party complete with flashdance attire) :
and after not wasting a second of this last weekend, (see picture of the awesome 80s block party complete with flashdance attire) :
....it starts tomorrow.
the month where they let me get sick again. (for explanation on this, look at the first few blogs). no more "temporary" medicine.
but i pray that i don't waste it either.
here is a link called "don't waste your cancer". i have shared it with many people and i have read over a lot it since i first got diagnosed:
http://www.desiringgod.org/library/fresh_words/2006/021506.html
i could write and talk for hours... just on the points this brings up and how incredible things would happen if all cancer patients could live out these truths.
but i won't.
....at least not right now. :) but God has used this small thing to teach me amazing lessons time and time again. i re-read it pretty frequently.
over these next few months, although i am going to do my part to take care of my body as much as possible, i know God is going to use this time to his glory no matter how i may be feeling or what may happen. and that's all i need to know.
so remind me of that.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
couldn't have said it better myself
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/opinion/orl-newvoices03a06jun03,0,5423614.story
(thank you nancy for this) :)
looks can be decieving.
and i am so incredibly blessed that i am not more sick than i am. and that i am surrounded by encouraging people who pour out the love of Christ on me in a very physical, very real, very visible way...on a daily basis.
so many people walking around have so many problems...(health and otherwise) and we have no clue. i'm learning that lots of people are able to fake it really well. and they are lonely.
"how to fight loneliness?...just smile all the time"
-wilco
i am constantly reminded to be more loving...understanding...patient. you don't know what the other person in the checkout line or the man who cuts you off in traffic is going through.
"We celebrate our sense of each other We have a lot to give one another "
-"man of metropolis"
(thank you nancy for this) :)
looks can be decieving.
and i am so incredibly blessed that i am not more sick than i am. and that i am surrounded by encouraging people who pour out the love of Christ on me in a very physical, very real, very visible way...on a daily basis.
so many people walking around have so many problems...(health and otherwise) and we have no clue. i'm learning that lots of people are able to fake it really well. and they are lonely.
"how to fight loneliness?...just smile all the time"
-wilco
i am constantly reminded to be more loving...understanding...patient. you don't know what the other person in the checkout line or the man who cuts you off in traffic is going through.
"We celebrate our sense of each other We have a lot to give one another "
-"man of metropolis"
Thursday, June 01, 2006
being "unproductive" for a day depends on how you look at it....
sometimes you read words (or in my case, The Word), or hear music or look at a picture a thousand times and you think....hey that is good.
and then one day, it kicks you in the face. and it becomes real. it becomes your life.
today was full of these things.
and coincidentally, today was actually the first day... in a long time... that i have not been too busy to process things like this.
its really cool how God works things out like that.
Who is this King of Glory that pursues me with his love?
And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words?
My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need,
Who is this King of Glory who offers it to me?
Who is this King of angels, O blessed Prince of Peace
Revealing things of Heaven and all its mysteries
My spirit's ever longing for His grace in which to stand
Who's this King of glory, Son of God and son of man?
His name is Jesus, precious Jesus
The Lord Almighty, the King of my heart, The King of glory
Who is this King of Glory with strength and majesty
And wisdom beyond measure, the graceous King of kings
the Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things
Who is this King of Glory, He's everything to me
The Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things
He is the King of glory, He's everything to me
and then one day, it kicks you in the face. and it becomes real. it becomes your life.
today was full of these things.
and coincidentally, today was actually the first day... in a long time... that i have not been too busy to process things like this.
its really cool how God works things out like that.
Who is this King of Glory that pursues me with his love?
And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words?
My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need,
Who is this King of Glory who offers it to me?
Who is this King of angels, O blessed Prince of Peace
Revealing things of Heaven and all its mysteries
My spirit's ever longing for His grace in which to stand
Who's this King of glory, Son of God and son of man?
His name is Jesus, precious Jesus
The Lord Almighty, the King of my heart, The King of glory
Who is this King of Glory with strength and majesty
And wisdom beyond measure, the graceous King of kings
the Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things
Who is this King of Glory, He's everything to me
The Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things
He is the King of glory, He's everything to me
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
balancing act
there is something that i need to say....particularly after talking with other people who have/had cancer.
dealing with cancer is a delicate balancing act. a balance between supporting the person with cancer while they are sick, and treating them like a normal human being.
some days we don't feel good. and sometimes we need to talk about our cancer because it makes crazy/awful/wonderful things happen. we need you to be okay with talking about it . and joking about it. its ridiculously funny a lot of the time actually!!! :)
but we also are humans who like and love other things. and a lot of days we feel good and we want to do and talk about these other things. i am not the "cancer girl." i am aly, who happens to have cancer at the moment. yes this is important but it is not all that i am.
i know its hard.
sometimes i think it is harder for people who know someone with cancer to deal with it than the people who have cancer themselves.
sometimes i don't.
some people pity you, which is frustrating. people with cancer need your prayers and support/help, but not pity.
some people randomly show up out of the blue and are the most amazing and encouraging and loving people you have ever met. these people are sent to me (and others) from God. sometimes i wonder if they are secretly angels. i happen to be blessed with a large number of these people. strangers. friends. strangers who become friends. some of you who are reading this are these people..... or have been. thank you...i love you!
some people you think would come through with support for you don't at all and this is very disappointing and/or sad. but i am learning sometimes they don't know how to deal with it. so they ignore it. and that's okay.
some people you meet (that already hear you have cancer before you meet them in person) ...you can look at in the eyes and you know they are afraid to be your friend because they think you might die.
its not that they don't want to know you. its that they are afraid to because they don't want to be hurt.
its a balance.
we are balancing too. we balance hoping to be okay one day and believing that we will be... and make plans for days down the road when we are 100% better.
but we also balance the possibility of not being okay and wondering what will happen if we aren't....and make plans for that too. but my plans don't really matter all that much really.
yes, i have cancer and i could be dying right now....i don't know.
but you (probably) don't have cancer and you could die tomorrow. you don't know either.
you have to trust God...trust that it will be okay no matter what happens. Yes, I have faith that he can heal me completely if that is in his plan. He also provides me with peace to handle what may happen if he doesn't.
His plans are beyond what we can imagine and he does works for the good of those who love him.......and this makes me so happy i could explode right here in my new room. :) and it gets me through the days.
In Christ alone my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song. This Cornerstone, this solid ground, Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace, When fears are stilled, when strivings cease. My Comforter, my All in All, Here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone, who took on flesh, Fullness of God in helpless babe. This gift of love and righteousness, Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied, For every sin on Him was laid, Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay, Light of the world by darkness slain. Then bursting forth in glorious Day, Up from the grave He rose again.
And as He stands in victory, Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me. For I am His and He is mine. Brought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me. From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand. 'Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
dealing with cancer is a delicate balancing act. a balance between supporting the person with cancer while they are sick, and treating them like a normal human being.
some days we don't feel good. and sometimes we need to talk about our cancer because it makes crazy/awful/wonderful things happen. we need you to be okay with talking about it . and joking about it. its ridiculously funny a lot of the time actually!!! :)
but we also are humans who like and love other things. and a lot of days we feel good and we want to do and talk about these other things. i am not the "cancer girl." i am aly, who happens to have cancer at the moment. yes this is important but it is not all that i am.
i know its hard.
sometimes i think it is harder for people who know someone with cancer to deal with it than the people who have cancer themselves.
sometimes i don't.
some people pity you, which is frustrating. people with cancer need your prayers and support/help, but not pity.
some people randomly show up out of the blue and are the most amazing and encouraging and loving people you have ever met. these people are sent to me (and others) from God. sometimes i wonder if they are secretly angels. i happen to be blessed with a large number of these people. strangers. friends. strangers who become friends. some of you who are reading this are these people..... or have been. thank you...i love you!
some people you think would come through with support for you don't at all and this is very disappointing and/or sad. but i am learning sometimes they don't know how to deal with it. so they ignore it. and that's okay.
some people you meet (that already hear you have cancer before you meet them in person) ...you can look at in the eyes and you know they are afraid to be your friend because they think you might die.
its not that they don't want to know you. its that they are afraid to because they don't want to be hurt.
its a balance.
we are balancing too. we balance hoping to be okay one day and believing that we will be... and make plans for days down the road when we are 100% better.
but we also balance the possibility of not being okay and wondering what will happen if we aren't....and make plans for that too. but my plans don't really matter all that much really.
yes, i have cancer and i could be dying right now....i don't know.
but you (probably) don't have cancer and you could die tomorrow. you don't know either.
you have to trust God...trust that it will be okay no matter what happens. Yes, I have faith that he can heal me completely if that is in his plan. He also provides me with peace to handle what may happen if he doesn't.
His plans are beyond what we can imagine and he does works for the good of those who love him.......and this makes me so happy i could explode right here in my new room. :) and it gets me through the days.
In Christ alone my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song. This Cornerstone, this solid ground, Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace, When fears are stilled, when strivings cease. My Comforter, my All in All, Here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone, who took on flesh, Fullness of God in helpless babe. This gift of love and righteousness, Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied, For every sin on Him was laid, Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay, Light of the world by darkness slain. Then bursting forth in glorious Day, Up from the grave He rose again.
And as He stands in victory, Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me. For I am His and He is mine. Brought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me. From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand. 'Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
Monday, May 29, 2006
i don't even remember what i wore today.
so i'm officially living on james island now with linds. finally! fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinally. this makes me (and lindsey) extremely happy. so much so that i did a little celebration dance in my new room.
this weekend included the most random assortment of things possible:
classical music at spoleto. saying goodbye. arts and crafts time with with famous artists/ friends/the guy who cuts my hair/and five year olds... all in the same place. hanging out with awesome new friends and talking about jesus. and lupus. and cancer. working on a graphics job. several trips to walmart. church. finishing moving out of my parent's house and "becoming an adult". fishing (or trying to). and a family dinner. :)
God is showing me all of these amazing things and i don't know how to fit them all in and give them the quality of thought or emotion that they deserve.
i can't help but think about what rob bell says about this: " so many of us push ourselves so hard. As long as I'm going and going and going, I don't have to stop and face my own pain. Stopping is just so difficult....I'm learning that very few people actually live from their heart. Very few live connected with their soul. And those few who do the difficult work, who stare their junk in the face, who get counsel, who let Jesus into all the rooms in their soul that no one ever goes in, they make a difference."
we need to stop sometimes.
to take the time to live from the heart and not hurry around and be missing the whole point.
maybe it all boils down to desperately feeling like i need more time. more time to think. more time to see people. more time to finish...everything. i don't know what i'm rushing to...or for. maybe i don't like feeling unsettled. maybe i don't like feeling like i'm wasting my life so i pack as much in as possible.
whatever it is, my body is not letting me do everything i feel like i want/need to do. i'm tired.
i'm sorry if i haven't called or emailed you back. i promise i am thinking of you.
this weekend included the most random assortment of things possible:
classical music at spoleto. saying goodbye. arts and crafts time with with famous artists/ friends/the guy who cuts my hair/and five year olds... all in the same place. hanging out with awesome new friends and talking about jesus. and lupus. and cancer. working on a graphics job. several trips to walmart. church. finishing moving out of my parent's house and "becoming an adult". fishing (or trying to). and a family dinner. :)
God is showing me all of these amazing things and i don't know how to fit them all in and give them the quality of thought or emotion that they deserve.
i can't help but think about what rob bell says about this: " so many of us push ourselves so hard. As long as I'm going and going and going, I don't have to stop and face my own pain. Stopping is just so difficult....I'm learning that very few people actually live from their heart. Very few live connected with their soul. And those few who do the difficult work, who stare their junk in the face, who get counsel, who let Jesus into all the rooms in their soul that no one ever goes in, they make a difference."
we need to stop sometimes.
to take the time to live from the heart and not hurry around and be missing the whole point.
maybe it all boils down to desperately feeling like i need more time. more time to think. more time to see people. more time to finish...everything. i don't know what i'm rushing to...or for. maybe i don't like feeling unsettled. maybe i don't like feeling like i'm wasting my life so i pack as much in as possible.
whatever it is, my body is not letting me do everything i feel like i want/need to do. i'm tired.
i'm sorry if i haven't called or emailed you back. i promise i am thinking of you.
Friday, May 26, 2006
do NOT wear jeans!
last weekend i went fishing with dad, uncle johnny, and bodaddy (my grandpa)
and i am proud to say i, the only girl, caught the first two fish of the day (a 3 1/2 foot shark and then a spottail for those of you who care). :)
this superhot picture of me in my dad's aviators, uncle's sweatshirt (i'm telling you all this cancer/lupus stuff makes my body temperature weird) makes me laugh b/c my dad is trying showing off his usc shirt in every way possible.
but it was a very fun morning.
compare last weekend, to this weekend:
i am going to have high tea today with my grandmother, sister, and mom at charleston place downtown. random.
after consulting my ettiquette guide (leigh) on what the "rules" were for tea and if i was going to have to do something strange like stir a certain way or lift up my pinkies when i drink, the first words out of her mouth were:
"don't wear jeans aly"
best friends know you all too well sometimes.
not that i don't love skirts and dresses (i do love them, a LOT, actually) ...but i get cold (haha...at least thats my excuse). so i'm sucking it up and wearing something non-jeans and i'll let ya'll know how it goes. :)
having to put off a real job isn't all that bad when i am blessed and get to do fun things like this with my family.
and i am proud to say i, the only girl, caught the first two fish of the day (a 3 1/2 foot shark and then a spottail for those of you who care). :)
this superhot picture of me in my dad's aviators, uncle's sweatshirt (i'm telling you all this cancer/lupus stuff makes my body temperature weird) makes me laugh b/c my dad is trying showing off his usc shirt in every way possible.
but it was a very fun morning.
compare last weekend, to this weekend:
i am going to have high tea today with my grandmother, sister, and mom at charleston place downtown. random.
after consulting my ettiquette guide (leigh) on what the "rules" were for tea and if i was going to have to do something strange like stir a certain way or lift up my pinkies when i drink, the first words out of her mouth were:
"don't wear jeans aly"
best friends know you all too well sometimes.
not that i don't love skirts and dresses (i do love them, a LOT, actually) ...but i get cold (haha...at least thats my excuse). so i'm sucking it up and wearing something non-jeans and i'll let ya'll know how it goes. :)
having to put off a real job isn't all that bad when i am blessed and get to do fun things like this with my family.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
to limp or not to limp?....otherwise known as my problem with being "handicapped"
i realized something funny today when i was downtown.
sometimes when i am really late and rushing, i run and/or walk really fast to my car through a parking lot or up and down stairs in a parking garage.
this would not be weird except for the fact that i have a handicap sticker [which i feel guilty occasionally for having....but then i remind myself that really its for the days when i don't feel good...and because there has got to be some perk to having a disease and/or diseases...lol] and sometimes people look at me.... questionably.
i might need to develop a limp or something. because it takes way too long to explain to people. :)
sometimes when i am really late and rushing, i run and/or walk really fast to my car through a parking lot or up and down stairs in a parking garage.
this would not be weird except for the fact that i have a handicap sticker [which i feel guilty occasionally for having....but then i remind myself that really its for the days when i don't feel good...and because there has got to be some perk to having a disease and/or diseases...lol] and sometimes people look at me.... questionably.
i might need to develop a limp or something. because it takes way too long to explain to people. :)
Monday, May 22, 2006
road trip
so thursday i went on a road trip with paige (made complete with theme music for the drive... haha... actually we really did have theme music b/c i think it makes things better).
she didn't know where our destination was. (and i never told her, but i only was about...75% sure where we would end up. or how to get there...but we made it)
it was a much needed adventure on both of our parts. and it was fabulous.
after making her be ready at 7am (only a true friend would ever do that voluntarily), we started the day in what is our new favorite place. this is one of the pictures from it. i am standing at the altar of a burned out church where who knows how many pastors preached the word of God for years and years.
it is one of the most beautiful and holy places i have ever been.
we were there at about 8am. it was silent. so we were pretty silent too.
none of the pictures really could ever do it any justice. its just one of those places. i will be frequenting this place from now on.
then the day made a complete turn around once we arrived at our destination. and we ate and shopped and were silly and looked at really cool old stuff.
and i rode a pony. it was great great fun. a day of extremes.
she didn't know where our destination was. (and i never told her, but i only was about...75% sure where we would end up. or how to get there...but we made it)
it was a much needed adventure on both of our parts. and it was fabulous.
after making her be ready at 7am (only a true friend would ever do that voluntarily), we started the day in what is our new favorite place. this is one of the pictures from it. i am standing at the altar of a burned out church where who knows how many pastors preached the word of God for years and years.
it is one of the most beautiful and holy places i have ever been.
we were there at about 8am. it was silent. so we were pretty silent too.
none of the pictures really could ever do it any justice. its just one of those places. i will be frequenting this place from now on.
then the day made a complete turn around once we arrived at our destination. and we ate and shopped and were silly and looked at really cool old stuff.and i rode a pony. it was great great fun. a day of extremes.
i highly recommend a day like this for those of you who need a vacation. we were back the same day. no matter what your schedule, you can make time for 1 day off. sometimes you need it.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
beautiful people and life changing days
as i am the only patient that i have ever seen in my cancer doctor office that is under middle age (with the majority of patients ranging from 60 yrs old- 160 yrs old).... i stand out. people stare. this used to freak me out, then it made me laugh, now its great because everyone talks to you because they wonder what the heck you are doing there! either that or that ask you if you are there to pick up your grandma.
but in the waiting room the other day...God taught me amazing things. life changing things.
i talked with a woman in her 40s/50s who was on her third round of chemo for various brain tumors. she spoke slowly due to having to have speech therapy and she has gone through several wigs because she gets bored with them :) (the one she was wearing looked so real i had no idea and i kept staring at it trying to figure out where it attached or whatever).
her first husband died of cancer a while ago. she remarried, had a child, and then was diagnosed with brain cancer. when all her hair fell out, her husband left her. she says the only thing she can talk to him about is their child. she was almost in tears as she looked in my eyes and told me that she didn't know if she wasn't beautiful enough for him anymore, or if he just couldn't handle everything she was going through. she asked me "who would ever want me after this?" i smiled and told her i knew how she felt. we talked about losing our hair and days you feel ugly and we held hands.
we talked for 7 minutes.
then they took her away for chemo and i didn't see her the rest of the visit. i hope she knows about jesus. i hope i see her again. i'm trying to find her as i am writing through what could only be described as "stalker-ish" research. her name was kim. i cried when she left. and i pray for her.
she was one of the most beautiful people i have ever met.
the rest of the 3 hour wait, i watched old couple after old couple shuffle in and out... some were broken, some were bald, some looked cheerful, some looked tired..very tired. but 99% of these people were holding each other's hands. i have never seen such love in my life.
the lady next to me told me she had been married for 60 years this year to an "honorable and loving christian man" and then told me about her 10 great grandchildren.
i want to be those people. i want you to be those people. its possible. i have seen it. great, amazing, godly love that triumphs over suffering and ugliness and disease. it puts my situation in perspective. when i get selfish and only think about myself and how this "inconveniences" me for the summer, i remember these people.
but in the waiting room the other day...God taught me amazing things. life changing things.
i talked with a woman in her 40s/50s who was on her third round of chemo for various brain tumors. she spoke slowly due to having to have speech therapy and she has gone through several wigs because she gets bored with them :) (the one she was wearing looked so real i had no idea and i kept staring at it trying to figure out where it attached or whatever).
her first husband died of cancer a while ago. she remarried, had a child, and then was diagnosed with brain cancer. when all her hair fell out, her husband left her. she says the only thing she can talk to him about is their child. she was almost in tears as she looked in my eyes and told me that she didn't know if she wasn't beautiful enough for him anymore, or if he just couldn't handle everything she was going through. she asked me "who would ever want me after this?" i smiled and told her i knew how she felt. we talked about losing our hair and days you feel ugly and we held hands.
we talked for 7 minutes.
then they took her away for chemo and i didn't see her the rest of the visit. i hope she knows about jesus. i hope i see her again. i'm trying to find her as i am writing through what could only be described as "stalker-ish" research. her name was kim. i cried when she left. and i pray for her.
she was one of the most beautiful people i have ever met.
the rest of the 3 hour wait, i watched old couple after old couple shuffle in and out... some were broken, some were bald, some looked cheerful, some looked tired..very tired. but 99% of these people were holding each other's hands. i have never seen such love in my life.
the lady next to me told me she had been married for 60 years this year to an "honorable and loving christian man" and then told me about her 10 great grandchildren.
i want to be those people. i want you to be those people. its possible. i have seen it. great, amazing, godly love that triumphs over suffering and ugliness and disease. it puts my situation in perspective. when i get selfish and only think about myself and how this "inconveniences" me for the summer, i remember these people.
you can't even plan tomorrow...
I had an extremely looong doctor's appointment yesterday May 16th (4 hours with only 30 min. of it actually with the doctor). And you know you've been at the doctor a long time when:
1. the nurse screams "free at last! free at last! Thank God Almighty Miss Greer is free at last!" when you leave. 2. several chemo patients come in, get treatment for an hour or 2, and leave before you ever see the doctor.
4 hour long doctor's visits make crappy days...but at least you are there long enough to make (several) friends with the old people in the waiting room...haha!! :) In reality, God blessed me with some really incredible/challenging/encouraging conversations with people...it blows me away how easily people will tell you their amazing life stories when you actually listen to them. It was made clear to me that there was purpose behind the long wait because of the people I met. I'll tell more about them later.
today (Wednesday) was supposed to mark the beginning of my radiation treatment to get rid of the rest of my thyroid cancer. But, we have been dealt another little surprise :)
-Due to the iodine levels in my blood they found this week (a result of the cat scan I had before my thyroid surgery a month ago), they now can't start the radiation therapy right now anymore. I will be put on temporary thyroid medicine for 3 weeks (until June 5th) to make me feel a little better than I do now and to kind of "hold off" the cancer in case it is growing. Then I have to stop the medicine and let my body get worse again for a month.
-I am then scheduled to get my first radiation injection July 5th, and have a scan on the 7th. During those two days I can only have VERY limited contact with any other human because I will be radioactive (they will tell us more details about this later). Yes you read that correctly. People think I am weird because this is ridiculously funny to me for some reason right now (although when the time comes, I'm sure it will be frustrating haha). I should only have to have 2-3 rounds of this. Of course, as I am finding out, all this can change at a moment's notice.
"Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers." 2 Corinthians 1: 9-11
They are telling me not to worry too much about the cancer and the doctors believe right now that the radiation (whenever I get it) will take care of any cancer that may be left floatin around inside of me. :) Right now they seem to believe it will be more of an inconvenience than a danger. So no worries. :) at least right now.
1. the nurse screams "free at last! free at last! Thank God Almighty Miss Greer is free at last!" when you leave. 2. several chemo patients come in, get treatment for an hour or 2, and leave before you ever see the doctor.
4 hour long doctor's visits make crappy days...but at least you are there long enough to make (several) friends with the old people in the waiting room...haha!! :) In reality, God blessed me with some really incredible/challenging/encouraging conversations with people...it blows me away how easily people will tell you their amazing life stories when you actually listen to them. It was made clear to me that there was purpose behind the long wait because of the people I met. I'll tell more about them later.
today (Wednesday) was supposed to mark the beginning of my radiation treatment to get rid of the rest of my thyroid cancer. But, we have been dealt another little surprise :)
-Due to the iodine levels in my blood they found this week (a result of the cat scan I had before my thyroid surgery a month ago), they now can't start the radiation therapy right now anymore. I will be put on temporary thyroid medicine for 3 weeks (until June 5th) to make me feel a little better than I do now and to kind of "hold off" the cancer in case it is growing. Then I have to stop the medicine and let my body get worse again for a month.
-I am then scheduled to get my first radiation injection July 5th, and have a scan on the 7th. During those two days I can only have VERY limited contact with any other human because I will be radioactive (they will tell us more details about this later). Yes you read that correctly. People think I am weird because this is ridiculously funny to me for some reason right now (although when the time comes, I'm sure it will be frustrating haha). I should only have to have 2-3 rounds of this. Of course, as I am finding out, all this can change at a moment's notice.
"Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers." 2 Corinthians 1: 9-11
They are telling me not to worry too much about the cancer and the doctors believe right now that the radiation (whenever I get it) will take care of any cancer that may be left floatin around inside of me. :) Right now they seem to believe it will be more of an inconvenience than a danger. So no worries. :) at least right now.
My first BLOG entry ever!!!!!!!!
My first blog entry! I just graduated from Clemson and some crazy things are going on so this is the best way to communicate with everyone!!!!
If you read this and have no clue what has been going on in my life this year, here is a superfast brief update on this year. This is not a complaint list, because so many good and amazing blessings have been shown to me by going through these experiences. They are hard, but I would not take them back or change them in any way. God has used them to change me and his will has been very apparent in all of this.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold...- may be proved geniune and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." -1 Peter 1:6-7
If you have questions, please feel free to ask me about any of this:
-This fall, I got really sick, went into the hospital for a while, and had every test run on me known to man. At first they were worried it was leukemia (ITS NOT) so they did a bone marrow extraction which was funny b/c I woke up in the middle and gave the doctors some entertainment by telling them "This really sucks." and went back to sleep. I have no memory of that which is probably good.
Eventually I was diagnosed with an immune disease called systemic lupus. Lupus has flares and remissions (periods of sickness and health). Lupus wise, after a few months I was doing okay. I have a mild case that can be controlled by medicine and I just have to really avoid catching a cold/virus, etc and my blood is real screwed up. Mainly it makes me easily tired, cold, have to eat super healthy, and excercise to the extent I can handle. But I will have it forever.
-The end of last fall my hair started falling out (due to being so sick in the hospital, not at all related to the Lupus or the cancer I got diagnosed with later) It all fell out ...in patches... until it was pretty much all gone by about the middle/end of January.
Here is the best "before and after" shot of the hair loss i could put together (or was not too mortified to post haha):
If you read this and have no clue what has been going on in my life this year, here is a superfast brief update on this year. This is not a complaint list, because so many good and amazing blessings have been shown to me by going through these experiences. They are hard, but I would not take them back or change them in any way. God has used them to change me and his will has been very apparent in all of this.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold...- may be proved geniune and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." -1 Peter 1:6-7
If you have questions, please feel free to ask me about any of this:
-This fall, I got really sick, went into the hospital for a while, and had every test run on me known to man. At first they were worried it was leukemia (ITS NOT) so they did a bone marrow extraction which was funny b/c I woke up in the middle and gave the doctors some entertainment by telling them "This really sucks." and went back to sleep. I have no memory of that which is probably good.
Eventually I was diagnosed with an immune disease called systemic lupus. Lupus has flares and remissions (periods of sickness and health). Lupus wise, after a few months I was doing okay. I have a mild case that can be controlled by medicine and I just have to really avoid catching a cold/virus, etc and my blood is real screwed up. Mainly it makes me easily tired, cold, have to eat super healthy, and excercise to the extent I can handle. But I will have it forever.
-The end of last fall my hair started falling out (due to being so sick in the hospital, not at all related to the Lupus or the cancer I got diagnosed with later) It all fell out ...in patches... until it was pretty much all gone by about the middle/end of January.
Here is the best "before and after" shot of the hair loss i could put together (or was not too mortified to post haha):
It is now growing back and once again I look like a normal person! :) I was supercute with no hair. except not really though lol. (my mom asked...."are you sure you want to put THAT picture online?")
-Over spring break, a doctor found a lump in my neck. They did an ultrasound and biopsy and thought it was just a tissue growth so that Saturday I ran in the bridge run as planned with all of the awesome Clemson people. Two days later I found out I had thyroid cancer.
April 12th I had surgery which removed my thyroid and a tumor...all of which was the size of 1 1/2 golf balls! insanity! think of me when you play golf now and remember that was in my neck :) i have a scar now though which i have to bandage up on occasion with what pretty much looks like a napkin taped to my neck. but its a bandage. promise.
bill's, on the other hand, is actually a napkin.
Before my surgery the nurses joked with me and told me, "um, don't you know you are supposed to get cancer, then lose your hair? not the other way around!" i laughed. and i love disease jokes now. (i have gotten some GREAT lupus and cancer jokes!)
Then they had to let my thyroid levels go crazy before they could start my radiation. So, I finished school and came back to Charleston to live with my parents for a bit then i am moving to James Island bout the beginning of June or sooner if possible. I'm doing freelance graphics jobs for the summer and learning about patience and not wasting a second of my life.
This year, God has stripped everything away from me that I falsely put my hope in: myself, my health, the way I look, relationships, my family, my independence. He has made me okay with just him, only him, which is all we need anyway. Yet he has poured out amazing blessings on me that I could not begin to write about.
Every blessing you pour out I turn back to praise
When the darkenss closes in Lord, still I will say
Blessed be your name
Though I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name.
You give and take away.
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say,
Lord blessed be your name.
So that is a little history....now comes the recent stuff......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)