so i'm going to be tested tomorrow at the cancer doctor to see if they can start radiation next week.
i have to be really hypothyroid (for all you non-medical types like myself, really hypothyroid= really sick) for the radiation to work properly. and i've been feelin ...funny ("funny" as in...not the greatest) recently so hopefully that is a good sign haha!
so cross your fingers that i am sick enough to start getting better.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Sunday, June 25, 2006
my hair vs. the mullet
continuing to grow out my hair through some awkward stages without it turning into a mullet is a challenge on a daily basis....haha. it is more difficult than you would think.
now... this is not to say that i haven't seen some quality 80's-esque mullets walking around during my time in south carolina. because i have, believe me. :) but i just don't think i can quite pull it off. call me crazy.
however, much celebration was had by all (okay just me)
when i recently discovered :
1. i can now hold my hair back with some clips and it is finally long enough to stay. (this resulted in me forcing lindsey to look at my head while i jumped up and down in excitement in front of the bathroom mirror).
2. AND a good bit of my hair is long enough to tuck behind my ears.
these are two tiny things most people (okay maybe just girls) take for granted. or at least you take for granted until all your hair falls out.
it has hit me that i pretty much look like a normal person again.
for so long it was really physically obvious that something was wrong with me (first the baldness/short hair, then the huge napkin looking bandage around my neck)...both of which resulted in a lot of questions from people. my hair is still short, but a normal person short. and i still have a red scar on my neck that people notice a good bit, but it is slowly getting a lot better.
all these things seem pretty insignificant, but people automatically associate how you look with how you feel. so i guess to be perfectly honest...
recently it has been easier to pretend that i am and i feel....
normal.
even though i'm not really "normal" and i don't feel "normal", its easier to keep up appearances.
i wonder sometimes...
does that mean i'm acting fake? being private? in denial?
or just ...blending in?
i don't know.
do you?
some words from the truth:
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment... Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful."1 Peter 3:3-5
along with pedro the lion's commentary on the lies that the world tells us:
"put on whatever makes you attractive
if it's not you
then do it for the sake of fashion
your friends like a certain you
that's who you've got to be...
wisdom from a beauty queen
her tiara diggin deep in her head
i'm starting to think that i'm kind of shy
or at least i'd like to be...
so take it all off with lasers
so it never comes back
then we can pretend it's natural"
very interesting.
now... this is not to say that i haven't seen some quality 80's-esque mullets walking around during my time in south carolina. because i have, believe me. :) but i just don't think i can quite pull it off. call me crazy.
however, much celebration was had by all (okay just me)
when i recently discovered :
1. i can now hold my hair back with some clips and it is finally long enough to stay. (this resulted in me forcing lindsey to look at my head while i jumped up and down in excitement in front of the bathroom mirror).
2. AND a good bit of my hair is long enough to tuck behind my ears.
these are two tiny things most people (okay maybe just girls) take for granted. or at least you take for granted until all your hair falls out.
it has hit me that i pretty much look like a normal person again.
for so long it was really physically obvious that something was wrong with me (first the baldness/short hair, then the huge napkin looking bandage around my neck)...both of which resulted in a lot of questions from people. my hair is still short, but a normal person short. and i still have a red scar on my neck that people notice a good bit, but it is slowly getting a lot better.
all these things seem pretty insignificant, but people automatically associate how you look with how you feel. so i guess to be perfectly honest...
recently it has been easier to pretend that i am and i feel....
normal.
even though i'm not really "normal" and i don't feel "normal", its easier to keep up appearances.
i wonder sometimes...
does that mean i'm acting fake? being private? in denial?
or just ...blending in?
i don't know.
do you?
some words from the truth:
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment... Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful."1 Peter 3:3-5
along with pedro the lion's commentary on the lies that the world tells us:
"put on whatever makes you attractive
if it's not you
then do it for the sake of fashion
your friends like a certain you
that's who you've got to be...
wisdom from a beauty queen
her tiara diggin deep in her head
i'm starting to think that i'm kind of shy
or at least i'd like to be...
so take it all off with lasers
so it never comes back
then we can pretend it's natural"
very interesting.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
my weekend at edisto
consisted of:
going to the beach until the tide pushed us in for lunch.
nap time.
drivin out to the boat landing with BoDaddy to watch the tourists attempt (key word: attempt) to put their boats on their trailers for our afternoon entertainment.
sunset walk on the beach.
fallin asleep to the sound of everyone snoring but me and daddy (who was smart enough to bring ear plugs).
fishing and more importantly, a BIG fish. (32 inch spottail)
father's day/birthday lunch.
5 dogs, 3 boats, and one sunburn.
it was fabulous.
Quoteable quotes from our crazy family
"He's 86?!"
"Yeaha...don't you know if you live down here in the salt air, you live forever?"
"Really....I'd of thought you'd rust."
"Nah...that don't kill you. that just keeps the mosquitos away."
"I think that fishin pole bruised my organs"
"NO MULLET!"
(anyone who was in hearing distance may have thought that we were repeatedly upset about a particularly bad 80s hairstyle.... but really we were just yelling at one of the dogs haha)
and proof that my family revolves around food:
Me: "Don't you know this family at all? If you want to convince her to do it a yellow color, don't use the word yellow. Use something to do with food. You know, call it like ...creamed corn....or butter grits...something like that."
15 min later...
Daddy:"Well how bout a creamed corn color?"
Mama: "Mmmm....I like that...creamed corn."
Nana: "Speakin of corn, what do you want for dinner?"
Mama: "He looks kind of...ill."
BoDaddy: "We'll he's been sellin tomatos outta da back of that truck for 20 years! You'd look ill too."
Nana: "Speakin of tomatos, how bout we have some blt's for lunch?"
:)
going to the beach until the tide pushed us in for lunch.
nap time.
drivin out to the boat landing with BoDaddy to watch the tourists attempt (key word: attempt) to put their boats on their trailers for our afternoon entertainment.
sunset walk on the beach.
fallin asleep to the sound of everyone snoring but me and daddy (who was smart enough to bring ear plugs).
fishing and more importantly, a BIG fish. (32 inch spottail)
father's day/birthday lunch.
5 dogs, 3 boats, and one sunburn.
it was fabulous.
awesome awesome awesome sunset.
Quoteable quotes from our crazy family
"He's 86?!"
"Yeaha...don't you know if you live down here in the salt air, you live forever?"
"Really....I'd of thought you'd rust."
"Nah...that don't kill you. that just keeps the mosquitos away."
"I think that fishin pole bruised my organs"
"NO MULLET!"
(anyone who was in hearing distance may have thought that we were repeatedly upset about a particularly bad 80s hairstyle.... but really we were just yelling at one of the dogs haha)
and proof that my family revolves around food:
Me: "Don't you know this family at all? If you want to convince her to do it a yellow color, don't use the word yellow. Use something to do with food. You know, call it like ...creamed corn....or butter grits...something like that."
15 min later...
Daddy:"Well how bout a creamed corn color?"
Mama: "Mmmm....I like that...creamed corn."
Nana: "Speakin of corn, what do you want for dinner?"
Mama: "He looks kind of...ill."
BoDaddy: "We'll he's been sellin tomatos outta da back of that truck for 20 years! You'd look ill too."
Nana: "Speakin of tomatos, how bout we have some blt's for lunch?"
:)
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
hosea
God doesn't care if i know why or if i understand.
God cares if i obey.
so simple. yet so hard.
"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens - what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave - what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea." Job 11: 7-9
"God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding." Job 37:5
good example: hosea.
God says do something that seems pretty crazy. but he does it.
hosea is humbly and immediately obedient. he doesn't tell God..."um hang on..i'm not really sure, let me go think about that.."
this week, God made a point to remind me of this.
i know he made a point of this because this same...lesson...came repeatedly from several different, unconnected sources speaking truth into my life (and other people's lives hopefully).
so after about the third time this got brought up over the course of a few days, i figured it might be something pretty important that i should take some time to think about what this ...blind obedience...really looks like every day.
evvvvvvery day.
God cares if i obey.
so simple. yet so hard.
"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens - what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave - what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea." Job 11: 7-9
"God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding." Job 37:5
good example: hosea.
God says do something that seems pretty crazy. but he does it.
hosea is humbly and immediately obedient. he doesn't tell God..."um hang on..i'm not really sure, let me go think about that.."
this week, God made a point to remind me of this.
i know he made a point of this because this same...lesson...came repeatedly from several different, unconnected sources speaking truth into my life (and other people's lives hopefully).
so after about the third time this got brought up over the course of a few days, i figured it might be something pretty important that i should take some time to think about what this ...blind obedience...really looks like every day.
evvvvvvery day.
Monday, June 12, 2006
if you are looking for me, i'll be reading labels on the organic aisle in publix, thanks.
so.
recently i have been ...struggling (frustrated?) with having to permanently re-adjust my eating habits.
sometimes i don't feel like eating at all. when i do, a lot of times i want to eat like a normal person again and not have to incorporate new and weird and healthy things into my diet like barley and tofu and...raisins. i want to eat nothing but lucky charms and mashed potatoes and chewy chocolate chip cookies and all the yummy processed things that me and my screwed up immune system are not supposed to eat.
sometimes... i really break the rules and am stupid and then pay the consequences when i get sick.
sometimes... its totally worth it. a lot of times its not.
going out to eat is weird.
people ask if i am a vegetarian.
no.
hello can i take your orders?
normal people: yes i would like the flounder stuffed with crab and homemade macaroni and cheese on the side...i'll have the cheeseburger with french fries....lasagna and breadsticks...
me: hi, um...yes, i'll just have salad please. and could you take off the [insert unhealthy salad topping here] please? and put dressing on the side?
are you "anorexic or something"?
no.
normal people: yes i want to order a barbeque sandwich, hushpuppies, and coleslaw.
me: [after looking at the menu] ....do you have hot tea?
thus the problem.
granted, a little exaggerated. but you get the point.
i have compromised and bought those weird and healthy things (i have not actually eaten them yet, but they are in the pantry). mainly i am trying to (and should be) eating mostly fruit and veggies and other plain, plain healthy food because it helps me get better and feel better and be able to play and do normal things.
i have to just limit the amount of all the processed stuff (also known as normal food)...haha.
but....
because of this ...issue... i am learning a lot about discipline and/or self-control and/or moderation. in food and in lots of other areas of my life.
and reading in philippians the other day, i came across this:
"For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends! -Philippians 3:18-4:1
i don't want to have my stomach become a lowercase god for me.
so i am trying to take better care of myself these days (although i do allow myself occasional and much needed splurges haha).
God is transforming me to be more like him...even through my food. which is kind of cool. :)
recently i have been ...struggling (frustrated?) with having to permanently re-adjust my eating habits.
sometimes i don't feel like eating at all. when i do, a lot of times i want to eat like a normal person again and not have to incorporate new and weird and healthy things into my diet like barley and tofu and...raisins. i want to eat nothing but lucky charms and mashed potatoes and chewy chocolate chip cookies and all the yummy processed things that me and my screwed up immune system are not supposed to eat.
sometimes... i really break the rules and am stupid and then pay the consequences when i get sick.
sometimes... its totally worth it. a lot of times its not.
going out to eat is weird.
people ask if i am a vegetarian.
no.
hello can i take your orders?
normal people: yes i would like the flounder stuffed with crab and homemade macaroni and cheese on the side...i'll have the cheeseburger with french fries....lasagna and breadsticks...
me: hi, um...yes, i'll just have salad please. and could you take off the [insert unhealthy salad topping here] please? and put dressing on the side?
are you "anorexic or something"?
no.
normal people: yes i want to order a barbeque sandwich, hushpuppies, and coleslaw.
me: [after looking at the menu] ....do you have hot tea?
thus the problem.
granted, a little exaggerated. but you get the point.
i have compromised and bought those weird and healthy things (i have not actually eaten them yet, but they are in the pantry). mainly i am trying to (and should be) eating mostly fruit and veggies and other plain, plain healthy food because it helps me get better and feel better and be able to play and do normal things.
i have to just limit the amount of all the processed stuff (also known as normal food)...haha.
but....
because of this ...issue... i am learning a lot about discipline and/or self-control and/or moderation. in food and in lots of other areas of my life.
and reading in philippians the other day, i came across this:
"For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends! -Philippians 3:18-4:1
i don't want to have my stomach become a lowercase god for me.
so i am trying to take better care of myself these days (although i do allow myself occasional and much needed splurges haha).
God is transforming me to be more like him...even through my food. which is kind of cool. :)
Sunday, June 11, 2006
alien bugs and 5am warfare
large amounts of febreeze do not kill roaches.
they do not, however, seem to enjoy windex.
i discovered this at about 5:30am this morning when i awoke to a crackling noise in my room. after turning on the light i found a gigantic lowcountry roach making LOUD CRACKLING noises (was he trying to talk to me?!) on my bookcase.
due to the fact that he was residing on some... breakable items.... and due to the fact that it was 5 something am and i was not in the best state of mind, i did not attempt to beat him with a shoe or other hard object. instead i grabbed the nearest cleaning supplies (we don't have bugspray yet), jumped on my chair (which is what girls do) and let him have it as he crawled away to a spot i couldn't reach.
he's somewhere behind my desk drowning in rainforest falls scented chemicals.
i hope he crackles his way right into the roach trap i slid under there and dies a windex-y death.
i miss being in clemson and living next to andrew and danny who could be called at all hours of the night to kill off whatever giant bug and/or small alien creature that may have invaded our apartment. but here in charleston i have a really nice roomate who comes to check on me when i am engaged in battle with bugs early in the morning and loud strange noises are coming from my room.
and at least now my room smells really clean.
they do not, however, seem to enjoy windex.
i discovered this at about 5:30am this morning when i awoke to a crackling noise in my room. after turning on the light i found a gigantic lowcountry roach making LOUD CRACKLING noises (was he trying to talk to me?!) on my bookcase.
due to the fact that he was residing on some... breakable items.... and due to the fact that it was 5 something am and i was not in the best state of mind, i did not attempt to beat him with a shoe or other hard object. instead i grabbed the nearest cleaning supplies (we don't have bugspray yet), jumped on my chair (which is what girls do) and let him have it as he crawled away to a spot i couldn't reach.
he's somewhere behind my desk drowning in rainforest falls scented chemicals.
i hope he crackles his way right into the roach trap i slid under there and dies a windex-y death.
i miss being in clemson and living next to andrew and danny who could be called at all hours of the night to kill off whatever giant bug and/or small alien creature that may have invaded our apartment. but here in charleston i have a really nice roomate who comes to check on me when i am engaged in battle with bugs early in the morning and loud strange noises are coming from my room.
and at least now my room smells really clean.
Monday, June 05, 2006
"the final countdown" (to continue the 80s theme of the weekend)
its been almost exactly 2 months since i got diagnosed with cancer....a mini cancer-versary if you will.
and after not wasting a second of this last weekend, (see picture of the awesome 80s block party complete with flashdance attire) :
and after not wasting a second of this last weekend, (see picture of the awesome 80s block party complete with flashdance attire) :
....it starts tomorrow.
the month where they let me get sick again. (for explanation on this, look at the first few blogs). no more "temporary" medicine.
but i pray that i don't waste it either.
here is a link called "don't waste your cancer". i have shared it with many people and i have read over a lot it since i first got diagnosed:
http://www.desiringgod.org/library/fresh_words/2006/021506.html
i could write and talk for hours... just on the points this brings up and how incredible things would happen if all cancer patients could live out these truths.
but i won't.
....at least not right now. :) but God has used this small thing to teach me amazing lessons time and time again. i re-read it pretty frequently.
over these next few months, although i am going to do my part to take care of my body as much as possible, i know God is going to use this time to his glory no matter how i may be feeling or what may happen. and that's all i need to know.
so remind me of that.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
couldn't have said it better myself
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/opinion/orl-newvoices03a06jun03,0,5423614.story
(thank you nancy for this) :)
looks can be decieving.
and i am so incredibly blessed that i am not more sick than i am. and that i am surrounded by encouraging people who pour out the love of Christ on me in a very physical, very real, very visible way...on a daily basis.
so many people walking around have so many problems...(health and otherwise) and we have no clue. i'm learning that lots of people are able to fake it really well. and they are lonely.
"how to fight loneliness?...just smile all the time"
-wilco
i am constantly reminded to be more loving...understanding...patient. you don't know what the other person in the checkout line or the man who cuts you off in traffic is going through.
"We celebrate our sense of each other We have a lot to give one another "
-"man of metropolis"
(thank you nancy for this) :)
looks can be decieving.
and i am so incredibly blessed that i am not more sick than i am. and that i am surrounded by encouraging people who pour out the love of Christ on me in a very physical, very real, very visible way...on a daily basis.
so many people walking around have so many problems...(health and otherwise) and we have no clue. i'm learning that lots of people are able to fake it really well. and they are lonely.
"how to fight loneliness?...just smile all the time"
-wilco
i am constantly reminded to be more loving...understanding...patient. you don't know what the other person in the checkout line or the man who cuts you off in traffic is going through.
"We celebrate our sense of each other We have a lot to give one another "
-"man of metropolis"
Thursday, June 01, 2006
being "unproductive" for a day depends on how you look at it....
sometimes you read words (or in my case, The Word), or hear music or look at a picture a thousand times and you think....hey that is good.
and then one day, it kicks you in the face. and it becomes real. it becomes your life.
today was full of these things.
and coincidentally, today was actually the first day... in a long time... that i have not been too busy to process things like this.
its really cool how God works things out like that.
Who is this King of Glory that pursues me with his love?
And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words?
My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need,
Who is this King of Glory who offers it to me?
Who is this King of angels, O blessed Prince of Peace
Revealing things of Heaven and all its mysteries
My spirit's ever longing for His grace in which to stand
Who's this King of glory, Son of God and son of man?
His name is Jesus, precious Jesus
The Lord Almighty, the King of my heart, The King of glory
Who is this King of Glory with strength and majesty
And wisdom beyond measure, the graceous King of kings
the Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things
Who is this King of Glory, He's everything to me
The Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things
He is the King of glory, He's everything to me
and then one day, it kicks you in the face. and it becomes real. it becomes your life.
today was full of these things.
and coincidentally, today was actually the first day... in a long time... that i have not been too busy to process things like this.
its really cool how God works things out like that.
Who is this King of Glory that pursues me with his love?
And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words?
My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need,
Who is this King of Glory who offers it to me?
Who is this King of angels, O blessed Prince of Peace
Revealing things of Heaven and all its mysteries
My spirit's ever longing for His grace in which to stand
Who's this King of glory, Son of God and son of man?
His name is Jesus, precious Jesus
The Lord Almighty, the King of my heart, The King of glory
Who is this King of Glory with strength and majesty
And wisdom beyond measure, the graceous King of kings
the Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things
Who is this King of Glory, He's everything to me
The Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things
He is the King of glory, He's everything to me
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