the outcastes

so a week or two ago a missionary came and spoke to our sunday school at church. he lives overseas a good bit of the time. and he was talking about the caste system that is in place where he is...

the majority of the population is in the lowest caste and many are even completely outside of the caste system all together...the outcastes. these people are pariahs of "civilized" society... considered to be nothing but"talking animals" by the upper castes.
their voices cannot be heard by people in the upper castes b/c it would "pollute" them...they cannot touch something at the same time as someone in the upper caste b/c it would be considered the same as physically touching them...something the upper castes consider disgusting. some of the outcastes are termed "unsee-ables" because they cannot even be seen by anyone in the upper castes. they travel the streets only at night under the cover of darkness to do things like sweeping the streets and removing garbage.

so.....these things have really stuck with me. it makes me physically sick to think about this kind of injustice. partly because its sad that only a few dedicated people are even attempting to do anything about this problem.
and partly because of a dream i've had.
i rarely rememember my dreams, usually just my nightmares (too bad its not the other way around). i'm not sure if this would qualify as a nightmare or not, but it certainly is disturbing to me. since i've had it about 4 or 5 separate times now, i figured it might be something i should think about.

anyway, in the dream i am driving on this particular road in charleston and i see this homeless guy standing by the side of the road. and he's looking at me...right at me in the eyes. and he's crying.

that's it. then i wake up.
and i've been looking for him ever since.

i've been thinking about our 'unsee-ables' in charleston. the people we try not to look at...or don't look at. we pretend we don't see the homeless people standing on the corners with signs, or in the market in wheelchairs asking for change.
but its not just them.
how often do we look at the clerk in the grocery store line? i mean, really look at them in the face and speak words to them other than the automatic response of "i'm doing good thanks"? do we treat them any differently than the automated machine in the u-scan line?
what about the people stranded on the side of the road by their broken down cars looking hot and tired?and do we treat the people at the drive through window with frustration as we snatch our food from them because we had to wait in line for 5 minutes?

i guess i've been thinking about how much we don't treat people like...people. really we are no better than those living by their castes. we treat people like talking animals sometimes too. and that needs to change. really we need to see people as Jesus saw them....as precious treasures...lost and in need of God's love.


Psalm 72:1-14
"Give the king your justice, O God,and your righteousness to the royal son!
May he judge your people with righteousness,and your poor with justice!
Let the mountains bear prosperity for the people,and the hills, in righteousness!
May he defend the cause of the poor of the people,give deliverance to the children of the needy,and crush the oppressor!...
For he delivers the needy when he calls,the poor and him who has no helper.
He has pity on the weak and the needy,and saves the lives of the needy.
From oppression and violence he redeems their life,and precious is their blood in his sight."

thank goodness someone else can verbalize it

Article from Relevant:

"Lately, life has been overwhelming and incomprehensible, and it scares me. I’m afraid to even have a plan or a dream because I’m afraid of being wrong. I’ve been wrong so much lately it seems. I don’t know as much about what I want as I think.

My compassion occasionally grants people the right to walk all over me. My ambition sometimes chokes my relationships, because I forget to slow down and really see people. My goal of excellence pushes me too far, and before I know it I’m expecting perfection from others and myself. My optimism causes me to be hurt by life’s disappointments and failures. My feisty character sometimes causes me to say or do things I regret later. My thirst for knowledge often turns to arrogance. My desire to be known sometimes causes me to act self-important. My self-consciousness prompts me to hide. My independent spirit sometimes alienates people when I actually really need them.

It seems like lately I’ve been erring on the wrong side of my personality, like life is all leaning in one direction, like gravity is pulling me downward when I’d really like to learn how to fly. I’m discovering more and more flaws, more and more things I need to work through.

And I cry out to God to heal me, to give me wisdom in the complexities of life, to grant me the courage and humility to apologize, to allow me to see myself truthfully. Yet, I’m still wrong sometimes. I hurt other people. I hurt myself. I hurt God.

It’s never made sense to me that God would guide me to be wrong. So, I’m surprised at how often I muddle up the things I feel very strongly that God has led me to do. But, at the same time, I don’t regret any fumbled steps. I know God was there with me for each stagger. Maybe it’s possible for God to guide us to do things even though He knows we’re going to flounder and blunder our way through it. Maybe that’s what God’s grace looks like—it fills the gap between our bumpy, messy lives and His glory.

My faults, my failures, my fumbles and my messes … That is where the glory of God comes in and illuminates, not for the sake of my knowing or understanding life, but for my seeing the greatness of God.

Maybe my mistake is in thinking I have to look like porcelain in order for God’s glory to be evident. Maybe I actually have to allow myself to be seen as the mess I really am. Because in my weaknesses, in the cracks in the porcelain, others may see the power and goodness of God."

--Rebecca Mayer

must...stay...awake

so i'm killing time till i have to go back to relay for life at midnight for my graveyard shift for a few more hours.

here is a picture from me and barbara after our survivor lap....my first year as a survivor!

quote of the night: (as the survivors are standing in line to get our free banquet of food)

"well, we lose our hair...pay thousands of dollars in medical bills...but at least they repay us with a sash and a ton of really good free food! Haha......they probably think we are all still on steroids and have the munchies..."

other good ones from this weird week:

"This is my new cat. His name is Squish and he has one eye." (Older lady I went to visit).

"I know they say you are supposed to respect your elders, but it is getting harder and harder to find any!" (Old man at a health fair)

easter

was good this year.

partly because we made it through the weekend without any hospital visits.

partly because i purposefully guarded enough time to really try and reflect throughout the weekend about the incredible-ness that is the cross.
good friday served sufficiently to kick me in my face with the overwhelming amount of ugliness that comes way too naturally to me. JI Packer writes that,

"Still he shows his freedom and lordship by discriminating between sinners, causing some to hear the gospel while others do not hear it, and moving some of those who hear it to repentance while leaving others in their unbelief, thus teaching his saints that he owes mercy to none and that it is entirely of his grace, not at all through their own self effort, that they themselves have found life."

it surely is only by his grace that he has chosen me for some odd reason. but i am extremely thankful that he did.

the weekend was spent with my whole crazy southern family down at edisto...pretty much doing nothing but eating because it was too cold to go fishing. :) it also included some much needed time with mom and dad assuring me that no, i'm not crazy... that its okay that i don't have my whole career planned out yet...that 22 years old is much too young to "fail at life" (okay so i was being dramatic)...and that no, they don't mind that i still need taking care of and they actually enjoy helping me stumble forward into my future... because thats what parents do when they love their children.

oh. and i got to play with my dog.

but perhaps the highlight of the weekend was when in the middle of the church service on sunday morning (in a pretty conservative baptist church on the island), a little boy with down's syndrome stood up with his arms raised and yelled "YAY FOR EASTER!!!!!" and the whole church broke into loud applause and "amens". it sort of felt like a movie or something because the moment was almost too perfect to be real. really, we should all be that excited that jesus has risen that we want to yell about it...even after easter is over.

so...YAY FOR EASTER

on my desk calendar yesterday,

the quote for the day was "The love of a genuine, patient and true friend gives us one small glimpse of what it will be like to be with God for all eternity"

and strangely enough, God sent a dear friend out of the blue to refresh me yesterday in the middle of the week. she doesn't live here and i miss her. our friendship is....comfortable. honest. it feels sort of like coming back home. we have seen each other at our worst (when we are complaining or irritable... or worse) and we still love each other. she encourages me to be a better person...a more godly person.

and we had dinner and fell asleep talking about how weird it is that we are supposedly adults now.

it was wonderful. and i needed it to get through the week.

thanks for the visit...i love you! :)

better than a birthday

happy cancer-versary to me! :)

Bridge Run 2006 vs. Bridge Run 2007

so.....we are all still recovering from the bridge run on saturday. or at least i am. my body is apparently fairly angry at me for forcing it to run 6.2 miles. :)
but, i did manage to cut a few minutes off my time from last year so i was happy.

the only thing i could think of while i was running was where i was a year ago.

the day before the bridge run last year, i had my biopsy done on my thryoid. the doctor had told me that i could still run (as long as i "didn't try to beat the kenyans or anything"...ha). so i ran my very first bridge run last year...with a bandaid on my throbbing neck and wondering if i had cancer or not. two days later on april 3rd, i got a phone call telling me that yes, in fact, i did.

the weeks that followed leading into easter 2006 seem like a blur. i don't think we even celebrated easter at all actually....cancer surgeries, a death, and a heart attack hailstormed down on our family within the same week...so much so that we stayed on a constant sense of alert waiting for the next bad thing to happen throughout the rest of the year.

during this years bridge run i couldn't help but thank the Lord for bringing me and my family through all of that mess somehow. 2007 has been a lot better....not easy, but better.
i am cancer free.
it doesn't get old no matter how many times i say that. :)
The Lord does not promise that we never will go through rough times but he is faithful to bring us out of them.

"But now thus says the LORD,he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you..." Isaiah 43: 1-4

cool poem

Written by Nate Millheim from ReIMAGINE:

"This bit of spoken word poetry was written as I walked through the diverse and beautiful Mission District of San Francisco, asking God to help me simply love …

My Thoughts

Sometimes they get all messed up,
they get all jacked up, all tripped up.

I see the tough guy with the tank-top under the double-x T-shirt,
gold chains hanging down
and a scowl on the brow,
and I feel threatened,
I feel offended, I feel defensive.

I see the hipster with the precocious smirk,
listening to some band he’s proud to know because other people don’t.
The T-shirt with the cute little graphic
New Balance shoes, Cool tattoos, the funky hat,
the ritual coffee cup and the road bike that makes him peg his right pant leg on his oh so tight jeans.

My thoughts get all messed up in my head,
I’d like to love but I’d rather not.
My own insecurities and my own peculiarities are calling.

The little boys hop the fence into the half finished Garfield Square.
Pipes and rocks are used instead of the baseball bats and balls that never came on Christmas morning.
Rocks are whizzing past my baby girl’s head.
Anger rises in my veins like a wave at Mavericks.

What feelings am I feeling now? What thoughts race through my tired brain?

When the man at the park scolds me, shaking his head, for not bringing him a bicycle .
While my family sits the drunken man knocks on the window of my car and complains that we will not give him food. He shakes his head in anger and disgust, scaring my two lovely ladies.

What now? Thoughts, feelings, thoughts, feelings, thoughts, feelings ...

I need to breathe.
I need to stop.
I need to rest.

My God says He loves, He cares, He sympathizes, He wishes well
He created ... In HIS IMAGE

He grieves when He sees the heroine needles.
He cries when He sees the lonely child.

Jesus spoke of a life abundant,
A life He came for us to have.

Echoes from my Sunday school childhood ring in my ear ...

Change my heart oh God, Make it ever true
Change my heart oh God, May I be like you

Let me be so in tune, like a head bopping to a Jay Z tune
My thoughts full of your thoughts

May my brain be full of good thoughts, full of generosity
May my heart be filled with a compassion it has never known
May my feelings find direction and inspiration from my Creator

Let me think YOUR thoughts and feel YOUR feelings for the people I see."

when its been a rough week....or weeks

Psalm 40

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods*. (the ESV calls them "lies")

Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have opened;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.
Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.
I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.
For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.
May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.
But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

When my mouth fails to produce the words needed to cry out to the Lord, his Spirit is so faithful to intercede and lead me right to what I desperately need.
May the Lord give you strength to make it through your days with joy.

beautiful day

so to preface this, i need to say things have been a little crazy lately and i realized i have been struggling a bit with contentment in my present circumstances for various reasons. (thank you ryan for convicting all of us at exchange this week...ouch) how often we doubt that the Lord has good intent for us, even when he has shown us (me) extreme faithfulness. i am so much like Israel sometimes it makes me cringe.
but i have been feeling restless lately...like i want to pick up and go somewhere different. and the Lord has shown me that partly this is due to a little discontentment. so we are working on that. :)

anyways...in light of all this i went running today with paige. i thoroughly enjoy our runs. sometimes when we are running we dance (yes, even on market street)...b/c really we just don't care and it makes it less boring...and its even funnier if there are actually large groups people around watching us wave our hands in the air while sucking wind down the battery.

so today we were having one of the above mentioned runs...and i was listening to some U2. and i looked up and just all of a sudden was overwhelmed with how beautiful everything is...how blue the sky was ...and what a gorgeous city i live in... and how thankful i am to have friends like paige who have such a similar spirit as i do...and that i am ...alive...to enjoy all of these beautiful things.

and I said a little prayer of thanks to the God who has blessed me so much.

i'm telling you, this girl is a genius.

I am afraid of beginning
‘cause I don’t know how to end

But you told me:
that the mountain before us
would become a plain in our eyes

So I won’t despise,
I won’t despise the day
I won’t despise the day of small things.

Even when you tell me…
oh, even then I’m shaking
‘Cause I am afraid of believing

The plans that we make seem so big
But you’ve shown me
that we’re never alone
and your spirit will stay by our side

So I won’t despise
I won’t despise the day
I won’t despise the day of small things.
-alli rogers

when we are afraid of doing what the Lord tells us to do because we don't know how it will turn out, we need to (i need to) have faith that He can do much more than we imagine, and take comfort in knowing he will never leave us.
Sometimes I think I am afraid to believe the Lord...even when he gives me the blessing of clear instruction...because usually His plans are so much bigger than what I would choose. Yes, his plans are bigger...but so is His power.

Lord, I believe. Help me overcome my unbelief.
Mark 9:14-27

i have good genes

"Be patient, be wise, be still, be consistent."

-my dad


good advice considering none of the above come naturally to me. :)

i knew physics would come in handy one day....

first:
just need to say thank you to all the awesome people who have prayed for me during these past 1 1/2 years. ya'll are amazingly encouraging and throw incredible post cancer parties. ;)

somehow thank you doesn't quite seem enough.
the words are inadequate to really express my gratitude.
when i find a better way to say it, i will.


second: (for all of you scientists)
i read this a while ago and this is the first chance i have gotten to write it all down. Next time somebody uses the metaphor of light and darkness (with light = good and darkness = bad), think about this:

"In the Hebrew tradition...light is a metaphor. God makes a cosmos out of the nothingness, a molecular composition, of which He is not and never has been, as any thing is limiting, and God has no limits...And into this being, into this existence, God first creates light. This light is not to be confused with the sun and moon and stars, as they are not created until later. He simply creates light, a nonsubstance that is like a particle and like a wave, but perhaps neither, just some kind of travelling energy...Light, then, becomes a fitting metaphor for a nonbeing who is. God, if like light, travels at the speed of light, and because space and time are mingled with speed, the speed of light is the magic, exact number that allows a kind of escape from time....The faster you move, physicists have found, the less you experience time. And if you move at the speed of light, you will never age; you are outside of time; you are an eternal creature. But...you and I, made from molecules, cannot travel at the speed of light and cannot escape time, at least not with a body. Consider the complexity of light in light of the Hebrew metaphor: we don't see light; we see what it touches. It is more or less invisible, made from nothing, just purposed and focused energy, infinite in its power (it will never tire if fitted into a vacuum, going on forever). How fitting then, for God to create an existence, then a metaphor, as if to say, here is something entirely unlike you, outside of time, infinite in its power and thrust: here is something you can experience but cannot understand. Throughout the remainder of the Bible, then, God calls himself light. "

Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts

the Lord knew that perhaps the true, deeper meaning of calling himself light (and how the scientific properties of light reflect his glory) would not be discovered until thousands of years after he originally spoke it to the Hebrew people.

thank you physicists for figuring stuff like this out. and thank you donald miller for writing about it in such a way that us non-scientific people could begin to understand it.

how sweet the sound

if william wilberforce were not already married....

and dead.....

i might would marry him myself.

good movie. go see it if you haven't already:

http://www.amazinggracemovie.com/

a lesson on how to not waste your life

so yesterday in sunday school we had the privilege of listening to a married couple who have been doing missions in the Northern Africa area for about 40 years or so...and they were amazing.

on top of the incredible stories they told of their opportunities to share Christ with the people in the part of the world, two things really stuck with me about them...

the first being that they have not stopped their ministry (at home in the US or in Africa) just because they are old. john piper talks in "don't waste your life" about how the purpose of life is not to retire in florida and spend all our time playing golf, or bingo, or riding around in a big boat. in fact, if that is what we are working towards then we have missed the whole point entirely...and we have wasted our chance.

one of my greatest fears is waking up 50 years down the road living in materialistic suburbia and wondering where the heck the years have gone and what do i have to show for them? last year, getting diagnosed with cancer certainly bumped this up on my priority list. i had to really look at my life and ask how i was letting the Lord use my time and my talents in case my chance was almost up. now that i am CANCER FREE :) my constant prayer is that i would not waste the life the Lord has chosen to bless me with.

these two missionaries are perfect examples of what christians should be spending our time doing...and stop using our age (being "too young" or "too old") as an excuse. these two faithful servants are finishing their race well. i hope we do the same.

the other thing about them was their relationship with one another. the husband stumbled through several stories while his wife interjected with comments to correct him or clarify...not in a rude or condescending way...more like she was helping him to get it all out...encouraging him along. when she interrupted him, he didn't get irritated or frustrated, just humbly acknowledged his confusion or mistake and looked gratefully at her for her assistance with a smile. when her time came to speak, he proudly introduced her and let his wife tell her own stories.
....you could just tell that they really loved each other i guess. that they had endured incredible hardships together and they really needed one another's help. each had their own strengths to help support the other. it was awesome.

and in 50 years i hope i have that kind of love. i hope you do too.

freedom

i don't have cancer anymore.




last week was a whirlwind of prayer, tests, scary inconclusive results, and more tests. but as of 3:30 on friday, i am cancer free. cancer FREE. i am still processing this.

the Lord is so gracious...funny...but gracious. after leaving community group on tuesday night, he really was speaking to me about what it really means when he says "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Corinthians 3:17)...reading through Isaiah 11 when it talks about the spirit of the Lord is the spirit of rest in the Lord, of wisdom, counsel, might, power, understanding, fear of the Lord, and delight in the Lord. Okay so since we have the Holy Spirit then we have all these things..and we have freedom when we are in the Spirit...what does that mean? it means we are FREE despite our circumstances. when i feel the need to just get out in the openness of God's creation or feel the urge to just pick up and leave, the Spirit provides the joy of this freedom even when sitting in our offices (or cubicles for some of you) or in a big white claustrophobic tube in the hospital. gosh this just blew my mind for some reason the other night.

the Lord was gracious enough to provide me comfort to be okay with finding out whether I had cancer or that I didn't have cancer. Good...I was able to trust in the Lord for those things. What I was not prepared for was the Lord telling me that it wasn't choice 1 or choice 2...but secret door number 3: learning to be patient and wait on the Lord and his perfect timing! How little my brain understands the ways of the Lord! He had to stretch me just a little bit more..just a little bit farther with something completely unexpected.

Isaiah 26: 3-8
3 You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.
4 Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
5 He humbles those who dwell on high,
he lays the lofty city low;
he levels it to the ground
and casts it down to the dust.
6 Feet trample it down—
the feet of the oppressed,
the footsteps of the poor.
7 The path of the righteous is level;
O upright One, you make the way of the righteous smooth.
8 Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws,
we wait for you; your name and renown
are the desire of our hearts.


The Lord is so faithful to me....and has been for the past year and a half. May the Lord bless you with a spirit of FREEDOM today. I love ya'll more than you know!

things that are funny to me...

riding in elevators. we have one at work, and if someone else steps in that you don't know...or know well...i can feel the air get thick with uncomfortableness and the awkward silence that follows till someone gets off.
people can be completely silent for the whole ride, then they'll say "goodbye" or "have a good day" right before they step off. we can only speak when we know we can escape quickly.

it makes me laugh.

maybe because we all subconsciously feel the need to face forward so it would be strange to turn around and talk to the person?
maybe we feel like its not enough personal space and we wouldn't be able to back away from the person since you're trapped in a box?

i don't know. but it is darn funny, let me tell you.

starting to lose it.....

i think i washed my hair 3 times in a row this morning.....and a couple of other days this week.

it could have been more than that or maybe it was just twice...

but it was definately more than once.

i am so tired...i just zone out and can't remember if i have already done it, or if i have just thought about doing it. weird i know.

valen'times' (that was for wimbo)

i love you.


ephesians 3: 14- 19
When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

i think this just hit me today.

i think the hardest thing about adjusting from being in school to working is this:

...it doesn't end.


there is not really a goal to reach for. no exam. no semester completed. no break. if you actually finish a project, then that just means you move on to the next thing on your never-ending to do list. another table to wait on. another person to call. (or for me, another post-it note on my desk) it just goes on and on and on forever.

you had better like your job.

most days, i do.

how you "know"....?

good song about our constant analyzation of whether a person is "the one" or not.....and how we question if there is someone out there that God has created who is better for us. you know how people say when you are with the person you are going to marry, you just "know." i don't know how you "know." sometimes i think we are looking for a perfect person....and that doesn't exist...well except for Jesus. my dad told me once that "loving a person is a choice...a commitment. you may not always feel like loving someone, but you choose too anyway."
when you really choose to love someone, (and you don't entertain the thought that they owe you something)...you are learning how to serve and encourage another human being. if you are worrying about what they are giving you (or not giving you), then eventually you'll be very unsatisfied and probably bitter. they are going to disappoint you. and tick you off. but if we would stop thinking about ourselves for one minute and think about them first, then that would solve a good bit of the problem right there. just a thought.

All At Once -The Fray

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you had her maybe you lost her to another
To another

in the home stretch

a few more weeks folks.

i'm now officially off my medicine and on a "low iodine" diet (which = nothing containing salt, dairy products, eggs, soy products, seafood, canned foods or drinks, cured meats, or Red Dye #3...and no i'm not kidding about the last one) for the next 2-3 weeks until my blood shows i'm ready for my scan.

and then.........

we will know. one way or the other.
i'm ready to be done.

and when i am....time to party!!!!

gettin old

today i saw an elderly man in walmart with an old fashioned walkman and headphones on, hobbling/dancing around and singing pretty loudly. he did not care one bit that people were staring at him...or that he looked like he was insane (maybe he was?). he was jammin' and smiling and singing. he had a twinkle in his eye. he looked happy.

it made me smile. i wanted to ask what he was listening to that made him want to dance and sing in walmart. it must have been something good. and i like that music can make people do things like that.

i spend a lot of my day hanging out with old people, or talking about old people, or thinking about old people. pretty much my job is to make sure they are happy and to find them a good volunteer friend. unfortunately, a lot of the old people are not happy. they are bitter and grumpy and ornery. and i don't want to be like that.

i hope to be like the old man at walmart...i hope i don't care one bit what people think of me...i hope i am happy with a twinkle in my eye...even if it means i have to be a little crazy.

beautiful words

"For thus says the Lord, the Holy one of Israel, 'In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength'...For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you saying, 'This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or turn to the left...Moreover, the light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be sevenfold, as the light of seven days, in the day when the Lord binds up the brokenness of his people, and heals the wounds inflicted by his blow...You shall have a song as in the night when a holy feast is kept, and the gladness of heart, as when one sets out to the sound of the flute to go to the mountain of the Lord, to the Rock of Israel. And the Lord will cause his majestic voice to be heard..."
passages from Isaiah 30

Roundhouse kick to the face....

ever since someone sent me the cancer quote about chuck norris' tears...i have been a fan. so i found this really interesting:

"Chuck Norris' first column for WorldNetDaily consisted of yet another response. It began similarly to the above quote from chucknorris.com, but then disclaimed Norris' own prowess in favor of God and Jesus Christ.
In response to "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.", Norris said It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.By the way, without him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things – and so can you.[2]
In response to "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.", Norris said
"There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood."

who knew chuck norris was a christian? not me.

breathing

soooo.....
2006 was a little rough.

okay a lot rough. it started weird and ended weird. honestly, i'm glad its over, although i learned a WHOLE lot.

I experienced God in ways I didn't know was possible. I learned what it means to be loved well by your family and friends...and how everyone needs love like that. really and truly... if you are primarily concerned with loving other people (which means not thinking about ourselves so much)....it solves a lot of problems and answers a lot of questions. you want what is best for them....and whats best for them is more of Jesus.

despite all that...sometimes you just need a break...a little normalcy. and i feel like i have that for the moment.
i spent 2006 on a field on landmines. its like i was holding my breath for a whole year, afraid that if i relaxed then one more thing was going to explode under my feet.

i can breathe again.
my mom called me on the morning of new years day just to tell me that she thought 2006 "sucked" and 2007 was going to be "fabulous."

i think it will be.

christmas...

seems kind of a blur now.

for several reasons, it didn't feel all that much like a normal christmas....we were in a rental house...i had to work right up until the weekend...no trip for me and daddy to pick out a much too big tree for our house...no weeks of prepartory gingerbread baking with rachel...no christmas eve service...no fireside naps with our pets on the floor (it was 73 degrees).

now, i'm not complaining....even by my obsessive proverbial standards for holiday cheer, it wasn't a bad christmas by any means...just sort of weird.

some normal-cy was acheived when, as usual, our family complied with the unspoken southern rule that every holiday meal must contain: collard greens, congealed jello salad, and pecan pie. sort of like a food version of the trinity. yum.
and of course we had the usual hysterically funny comments from my family:

Nana: "I think the funniest hurricane was that one a while back...Hugo?"
BoDaddy: "There was nothing funny about that hurricane!....All those darn people from Charleston drove to Walterboro and bought all our bread!"
(you can see that, despite my grandpa's apparent 17 year grudge about the lack of carbohydrates left for the poor residents of the 'boro, they were both very concerned for everyone's well being during one of the worst storms to hit Charleston.)

this was the first christmas in a long time that our tree did not fall over. strange accidental tradition i know, but in recent years we have had to resort to tieing it to a door. and it didn't fall over because this year our tree was a 2 foot plastic one (gasp! in my eyes this was christmas blasphemy) that was perched atop the entertainment center along with all our presents due to the spaztic tail movements of our new puppy.

but despite all the weirdness, i still got so excited on christmas eve that i hardly slept at all. i LOVE christmas...and as long as i can remember i have always been the first one awake. in the middle of the night, i tiptoe out to the den to just look at the tree and the lights and just listen... to the silence.

christmas eve is always so quiet...so still. when i was little, i used to wake up to make 100% sure that yes, Santa had come and then I would go back to sleep happy....Now when i wake up, i sit in the dark and think about things....about my family...about the past year...about what was going through mary and joseph and everyone's minds thousands of years ago. about how they had no idea what their miracle in a cave really meant for the world.

and then i climb back in bed and try to sleep for a few hours until i hear the rustlings of someone else awake...fixing coffee...putting something good smelling in the oven....and then the craziness of christmas begins.

i hope you had a merry christmas.

alli's are smart

When I’m away from my source of peace
Something fills that space in me
And it feels like I don’t need you

It’s easy to get by
When I don’t even try to find the truth
Today I learned that faith
Is not to be obtained like a place I can go

--alli rogers

tie God up and put him in a little box

"The very scary thing about religion, to me, is that people actually believe God is who they think he is. By that I mean they have Him all figured out, mapped out...It makes me wonder if God created us in His image or if we created Him in ours." -donald miller



hmmm...interesting that we often create ridiculously screwed up, although usually convenient, versions of God in our heads. How many times when we pray do we tell him what we think he should be like and what he should do in our lives....that really he doesn't understand and he's doing it all wrong.

sometimes we forget we serve a mighty, passionate, jealous, loving, all powerful, holy, patient, strong, creative, genius sort of God.
and if we haven't forgotten, how come we aren't living like we know that?

i know its not thanksgiving yet,

but in honor of the christmas spirit....i have a question.


what is a sugarplum?

is this a real actual food/candy item?
has anyone ever actually eaten or seen this infamous christmasy entity?
if so....is it good? have i been missing out?
and.......is it more of a sugary plum or plum flavored sugar?

thanks abc

extreme home makeover makes me cry.


i'm such a sap. :)

workin 9 to 5 (and then some)

God is so cool.

not only do i have a job, but i have a job that i didn't technically apply for, and its a job that couldn't be better designed for me! If i would have known that this was coming along, i could have saved a LOT of time not having to fill out 357,952.844 resumes and cover letters. but maybe that was to make me more appreciative once i did get this job. hmm.

i am now the volunteer coordinator for carolina hospice care.
basically i get to:

-recruit and train volunteers, and then match them up with the right patients based on their gifts and personalities.
-hang out with patients
-plan events/ marketing stuff
-do whatever anybody else tells me to do :)


some days i wonder if its true that i really get paid for this. so far i have gotten to dress up for a therapy dog halloween parade at musc childrens hospital, go to the fair for our booth to give stuff away at senior day (aka old people trick or treating for pens and plastic cups), plan two wine and cheese parties, and the best part....go visit a lot of our patients.

i think i might have the coolest job ever.

its about time

i have a job..................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tiaras and plastic high heels can make a girl's day

this morning i saw something wonderful.

two little girls walked into a restaurant with their mom, completely decked out in sparkly princess costumes, tiaras atop tangled hair, and plastic dress up shoes. they proudly pranced in, completely unaware and unconcerned with the various reactions of everyone else in the restaurant.

many people (including our table) laughed or smiled, although i noticed a few dissaproving stares from people who clearly thought it was a ridiculous decision and/or poor parenting for the mom to let her kids out of the house like this. secretly i think part of me wanted to go shake those people.

i don't really care if the mom lost a battle with the little girls over getting dressed this morning or whether she actually encouraged the girls to dress up for their morning out. whether it was purposeful or not, i think it was a great decision. their excitement at wanting to show the world how special they were struck a chord in me. i think all girls want to know we are beautiful....that is probably why we like to get dressed up.

they made me smile because they reminded me of how little girls are by nature so secure in their beauty and confident in the belief that they are made to be princesses. its like it is instictively build into our very spirit. God made our hearts to work this way! ...sadly, after years of being hurt, rejected, taunted, or abandoned, the world strips us of our confidence, telling us we are too fat, too short, too stupid, or too weak. we are told that we are just like everybody else. bitterness and insecurity make us doubt that we are anything special...that we deserve to be loved.

and all the while God is gently trying to whisper to us how beautiful he thinks we are, how much he values us, how we are princesses and heirs to his kindgom. the King is enthralled by our beauty.

God whispered that to me today, and i am grateful.

but he talks like a gentleman

"You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch him now, here he comes
He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when
you were young"
-the killers

interesting how we sometimes compromise our standards for simply "nice guys" because we are lonely and afraid that nothing better will come along....

yet its a constant battle to make ourselves (myself) understand and really live like we believe that, while someone may compliment your personality very nicely, no other person will ever be perfect enough to complete us - otherwise why would we need jesus?

such a delicate line between having legitimate spiritual expectations for a relationship and extending grace and understanding for the sin and failings that are present in all human beings.....

working on finding some work

so its been a looooooooooooong time.

sorry.

the only excuse i have to offer is that i have been distracted by the extremely time consuming process of finding a job.

really, it takes an awful lot of work to find a good place to work. so far, i probably have written, oh...about...537,246 cover letters/resumes. i even applied for random jobs i found on the internet that i am extremely NOT qualified for...just to see if they emailed me back.

i think i feel pressured to find something that, well...fits. not only because this will be my first "real" job...but also because i don't think i could handle wasting my life away doing something that i don't agree with or feel passionate about. also i am tired of being asked what i do for a living and having to respond, "well thats a good question.." i think its funny that so much of what we consider our identity is wrapped up in what kind of job we have. but strangely, i feel....sort of lost....without this part of me being fulfilled. its not a lack of purpose...more of a lack of routine maybe?

i guess i am slowly narrowing down my options....for instance, during these past few weeks of interviewing/applying i have realized that God did not make me to work in a large corporate environment. yuck. just going into some of these offices drained a few years off my life i think...these interviews consisted of me outwardly smiling and nodding while the person tried to convince me that i could be very happy in a grey forest of cubicles, while inside my head i'm thinking "RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"

we'll see what this weeks interviews bring.....say a prayer for me! :)

we have the best neighbors

exhibit A: the lady who lives next door pushes her dog around in a stroller, inside a shoebox, with upside down hangers for safety rails in case the dog should try and.... leap out or something.

i don't know.

maybe she's afraid the dog will get dirty if it walks on the ground?

well, linds and i have seen this lady many times and its really hard to explain the hilarousness of this to other people. so we thought it would be a great idea for me to take a picture of it.

mainly to prove to people that this lady really did exist and that we weren't just making it up.

i have made several previous unsuccessful attempts scrambling to get my camera on days that we spotted her out our kitchen window. however, a few weeks ago i saw her coming from a distance and i was ready. so, trying to be very sneaky-like, i took the picture from inside my room looking out the window....problem was, my stupid flash went off and i think she might have gotten a little suspicious because she started looking around everywhere. oh well.

if i don't get a job soon, then i think i might try and be her friend and we can both walk....or rather stroll...the dog together. or maybe i'll go get a dog and just start strolling it around myself. we'll see what the week holds. :)

having ninja adventures...

...at midnight in clemson is always interesting.

somehow bill and kyle convinced me and lauren to go on the above mentioned sort of "adventure" this weekend. all we were told is that it would involve some climbing and having to dress in black...which made us a little skeptical at first, we did end up having lots of fun.

and while i won't go into too many details because i really don't know who reads this...i will just say that we got to see some great views of campus that we probably weren't supposed to see. :)

ssshhhh....its a secret

me and lauren holding tillman...kinda

me and my peter pan shadow!....this was real cool and fun

time for a job

so....in the upcoming weeks i am working on getting some sort of job.

full time, part time, temporary, whatever...i am pretty open.

interestingly enough, i am trying to secure a job that is more ... ministry/counseling/grief/nonprofit/service type related rather than advertising/marketing related.

basically i feel the need to work with people and not design advertisements in a high-stress corporate environment. some people are gifted and called to do this. i realized i am not.

if i haven't talked with you recently, the quick explanation is that God has changed my heart a lot over this past year and he is slowly reminding/revealing to me that my passion always was (and still is) encouragement and helping those who are hurting (spiritually, emotionally, financially, or health-related).

I am not sure what exactly this type of work will look like yet, but I am researching a lot of options right now. I am in much prayer about it and i would appreciate your prayers (and/or career suggestions...haha) as well.


after this year, i have faith that God will make his purpose ever clearer in the days ahead.


"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation..." Psalm 5:3

Getting sized up

so quick little note about the (strange) highlight of my week:

in my doctor's visit a few days ago, they put me in the exam room RIGHT next to the scale AND left my door open.

I was very close to the scale....as in, the scale is against the wall beside the open doorway to my room. So, this...arrangement...thus enabled me to hear every comment of the people who walked past my door and got weighed in.

most of which were hilarious.

some of my favorite comments:



"well crap. that's awful high. hang on let me take off my hat." ---old man with a baseball cap.

"are you sure you are doing that right? do it again." [noise of nurse slowly sliding the scale again.] "well, i know what i weigh and it is NOT that. so you must be doing it wrong. here, let me do it. "[lots and lots of noise of the woman messing with the scale] "oh nevermind...is it really that important?" ---50ish year old lady

"oh my. do you think i'm shrinking?" ---really tiny old lady

"honey, i am way too old to be worrying about that anymore. i'm just happy i can still walk." ---really, really, really old man

weekend update

went to the doctor on friday and as always, i made friends with some random people which were a huge blessing in my day.

here's the news:

over the next 6 months, the strong dose of radiation that I recently recieved will kill off the remaining thyroid cells in my throat (cancerous and non-cancerous). i will be on my thyroid pills for the next 6 months and then I will stop them again to get scanned/checked at the end of january. Then based on whatever they find then determines the next step, if I'll get checked a year later, etc. etc. for several years.

with thyroid cancer, there is no real black and white, "cured, not cured, cancer free, in remission" type of terminology...at least not for a few years. what they can tell me is that they "expect" me to make a full recovery...sometime... eventually.

it makes me laugh because the poor stressed out doctors can't give anybody straight answers because they really are doing the best they can, but they don't know how the human body is going to react and they have to cover all the bases so they don't get fired or messed up in some nasty red tape for telling somebody the wrong thing. Sometimes I want to tell them that no matter what they tell me, that God is in control of whether I am miraculously healed tomorrow or whether we all are killed in the next 5 seconds....so really they can just do their jobs to the best of their ability and relax because ultimately someone else has the final say in what happens in life.


pretty much as soon as I finish getting adjusted to my medicine (another 2, 3ish weeks?) I should basically try to resume "normal" life and not worry about it until the end of january! God is asking me to faith it for 6 more months. And after the tremendous blessing of everything that has happened this year, I have no problem with trusting him with my health and everything else. :)


also this weekend, we all had the pleasure to send off sally katherine in style to serve in Central Asia for 2 years. leigh and i were lucky enough to get to distract her for the weekend while everyone else prepared for her surprise party (i will post pictures soon)....which was a surpise indeed, both for sally katherine, and for all of us in a way. whitney and emily did an amazing job orchestrating a great time of prayer and love and God's presence was definitely there.

you want to meet someone with a lot of faith? well she is blonde and about 5'2'' and she is about to burst because she is fulfilling God's purpose for her life in overseas missions in just a few more days. she inspires me to keep going. i love you sk. and we are all praying for you.

something is coming but I don't know what

God is doing amazing things...crazy things. I don't know what else to say except it is weird and cool and beautiful and its all I can do to keep up...

"Look at the nations and watch - and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." Habakkuk 1:5

I keep telling mom I'm not going crazy.

But truthfully I am delerious with wonder most of the time.

good...night....i hope.

"She lay in bed all night watching the colors change
She lay in bed all night watching the morning change
She lay in bed all night watching the morning change into green and gold
The doctor told her years ago that she was ill
The doctor told her years ago to take a pill"
-belle and sebastian


for some reason this was hilarious to me considering that right now adjusting to my thyroid medicine is really affecting my sleeping schedule and/or routine. : )
thats all.

free at last

i have been let out of my room!
i still have to be careful until i get scanned tomorrow about washing my hands, staying away from people, etc. but starting tomorrow i can rejoin society :)
(which means dad can stop running around singing "danger! she's radioactive!..." and mom can stop refering to me as her "little glow-worm")



and, hopefully in about 3 weeks (after i start my thyroid medicine and it adjusts), i will be normal aly once again.



my time in seclusion was very....spiritually...enlightening ?....i would say.
i went into it with the expectant attitude of hearing from God, and he certainly did not fail to show up (which, when we slow down enough to actually listen to him and be quiet...he can reveal some really cool things).
these past 3 days, i have done a LOT of reading....the Word, books, my journals, sermon notes......from the past year or so of my life...listening to music...and praying and listening for God to bring me purpose and understanding from this past year and for my life now that I am hopefully getting better.
which he did.
i threw out a lot of lies and insecurities and confusion that i wrote and believed about others...and God...and myself. they went into that little radioactive trashcan and are probably already burned up along with everything else i touched :) it was fabulously... freeing.


so....my spirit and body are healing together i guess.

my mom and i recently talked about the fact that i haven't been normal, non-medicated, not-sick ...Aly... in about a year.
a year.
that is a long long time to be gone. i have struggled this year in sorting out what is really my personality and what is a medicated strange version of myself.

*i have extremely loving close friends (both new and old) and family that have loved me and suffered alongside this big year of changes for me. i love you all for your prayers and understanding and patience through the tiredness, the tears, and the medicine. you know who you are and i want you to know i love you.*

but i know it has taken everything this past year to rip off some much needed layers of....well....crap...to be honest. i don't question anything that has happened to me because God has shown me numerous times this year how these hard things have been really....GOOD.
and God has blessed me INCREDIBLY by providing these insane experiences to teach me some very good things about Him, about others, and about myself....and my time of intense solitude provided me time with to reflect on these things. i don't regret them.

in about 3 weeks i'll be back. some of you that i have met recently have never even known the real Aly.
i miss her.
but she's coming back and "better than ever" haha.
i can't wait. :)

my big plastic paradise

i'm out!
well sort of.
out of the hospital. but i'm still secluded in my room at home, which no one can come into really for a few more days. i can open the door and talk to people, but pretty much i'm still pretty isolated.

my time in the hospital officially started when i got dropped off in my plastic room. momma laughed and so did i. (see pictures). the room was sort of like a really clean...big...plastic...prison of sorts. except no sketchy cell mate. and pretty much i was told to avoid touching anything that was not covered in saran wrap looking plastic.

after she dropped me off, i put on my gown and then the doctor came in and had a big, radioactive box, pulled out a pill in a glass vial with a pair of tongs, and told me to swallow the pill but to only touch the glass vial while doing it.
i followed instructions and then she threw the glass vial back in the box, measured me with a gun....
thing...
which reminded me of that little box they used on ghostbusters. then she shut the two sets of doors and left.
and no one came in for a loooong time.

to my dismay, i didn't glow in the dark...or anything remotely interesting (no ninja turtle skills). i really feel no different except for a really bad sore throat (which my doctor told me was normal).

they gave me food by a little system. they would announce that my [breakfast, lunch, etc.] was there and to make sure i was away from the outermost door. then they would come in the outside door, drop off the food in the little hallway area, tap on the innermost door to let me know, and leave. then i could go out into this little enclosed inbetween area and get my food, and then go back inside the innermost door. (does that make sense?) i couldn't ever open the outside door b/c i would leak out...or something.

when my doctor came to check on me to let me out, she scanned me, told me it would be a few more hours, and then came back and checked me again, had me signed some paperwork, and that was it. no one could come in my room until it was detoxed by some physicist after i left. and i had to walk way far away from everyone and momma drove me home and shut me up in my room. so here i am.

my time in the hospital (and now at home) was not bad.
strangely, it was almost ...nice.
i slept. i had no IV, no nurses taking my blood, and they brought me food (which momma is still currently having to do). i had/am having some much needed quality time with God (more details on this perhaps another day), listening to music, doing some things for myself for once (meaning arts/crafts) and taking.........lets call it ...a sabbatical.


here are some pictures that will provide not only proof for this bizarre experience, but hopefully some laughs. :)

doorway to my room!

yep. that's for my trash and linens.

my big plastic covered room!

lazyboy anyone?

my phone and remote (these proved my biggest difficulty during my stay. i couldn't hear anyone on the phone and i had a really hard time reading the buttons on the remote. so after about an hour or so, i just didn't watch tv) :)

now, does this look like the face of someone who is radioactive? apparently it is.

my sink. yep. even the light switches and doorhandles were covered in plastic. :)

overall, this was and is continuing to be a funny/weird experience. i'm pretty sure this is real...but still i wonder, is this really my life?

aren't you glad i didn't email this one?

some days i have the weirdest life.

so i went in on monday to the doctor and got some pretty great news as a result of the trial radiation dose and scan that i had last week! last week they gave me a pill and a few days later i got strapped down like a mummy in a machine to scan me for 30-45 min ....it had little lasers to detect just how close it could get to me without actually touching me. it got REAL close. and despite the fake clouds that they had carefully painted on the ceiling, the doctor suggested that i close my eyes. good idea.

on monday they told me the cancer hasn't really spread beyond my throat and they think one strong dose of radiation should take care of what is left. YAY.
i was supposed to get a pill, have to go home for the weekend and avoid people and then be done with it.
sounded simple enough to me, and despite some changes (see below), i feel extremely blessed that cancer is not eating me up from the inside out.
i realize that this is a result of MUCH prayer on YOUR parts. God has been so so so faithful to me through all of this and I cannot begin to express how much i have seen His love and hand through each and every one of you. your prayers and wisdom and words of encouragement amaze me.
so thank you. :) i love you.


well in my consult today things got a little bit ....more ....complicated...weird...funny..?


i started out in the cancer/radiation waiting room of the hospital which on a serious note, is a very sad place. everyone is burned in different places (most radiation does this to you...mine will not) and has little to no hair. mainly the hair loss is due to radiation/chemo (and no my hair will not fall out again thank goodness). but some of this is because they are all over 60 years old and have no hair anyway.
it reminded me a lot of my grandfather (who lost the battle to his thyroid cancer on Good Friday of this year, just a few days after I had my own thyroid tumor taken out). and how much loneliness and pain he must have felt sitting in a very similar waiting room like that every day for many many months. these people i looked at today had that same weariness in their faces. and it made me miss him.
i am reminded how blessed i am to only have to do this just one time when these people have to do it every day.

when they figured out that i was a patient too and was there for the same reason they were, i did get to make friends with some people over some hot chocolate and we exchanged stories about going bald. which made all of us laugh.
then i went in to see my new doctor (this makes #6 if you are keeping count haha)...she's great and i love her.
however, she determined that:

1. i am so hypothyroid i'm now off the chart and beyond the "high" number range haha (if you are a medical person you will understand this lol)

2. i now will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow (SURPRISE!) to get my radiation and have to stay in the hospital for 1-2 days in complete seclusion. i will be in a "wrapped" room (..."kind of like bubble boy" is how my doctor explained it) where literally everything is wrapped in plastic...stuff. they have to detox it when i leave ... strange.

since i will be a little human chernobyl for a day or two, i will have NO human contact (no nurses, no visitors, nada)....except for about 10 min. total or so where my doctor (who will be dressed in a special suit of some sort) will come in and scan my radioactivity level. ( i guess they slide my food through a little door maybe? haha...i will let you know how this works).
i can bring the clothes i have on, some books, toothbrush/etc. and my ipod (i had to beg for that).
thats it.
no cell phone, no computer. they are letting me use the hospital phone and the hospital tv. and apparently those are plastic coated as well.



then when i am let out, for the next 5-7 days i will be staying at mom and dad's house so i can have my own bathroom, dishes, etc. (which sadly destroys me and lindsey's original plan of having me walk the perimeter of the new house while i'm radioactive to kill off all the giant bugs...dang it.)
i have brought every art supply i own over to the house and i will have a week to paint, glue, scrapbook, scribble, organize and create in general.
i'm excited.
i even packed my painting pants. i know i'm weird.

RULES AND REGULATIONS:

*i CAN have visitors, but if you are going to be near me for more than a few minutes then you have to be about 4 or 5 feet away.
*i'm really supposed to mainly try and avoid pregnant people, children and/or midgets, and animals.
and sadly, no i'm not kidding. :) so if one of those categories applies to you, i'll see you in a week or so.
*i can go out in public, but my doctor suggest that i really limit this as much as i can.
*every day i'll be less and less radioactive, so if you are super paranoid and fear for your life....visit me at the end of the week......JUST KIDDING...i think?


5-7 days after my dose, i'll get scanned and hopefully get the go ahead by around next weekend sometime to start my medicine!!!!! then i'll get scanned again in 6-12 months to make sure no cancer has come back. but they are planning on knocking this whole thing out in one strong dose which i am very grateful for. so in a few weeks hopefully i will be adjusted to my new medicine and can once again resume normal social activity, energy level, and body temperature!!!!!


so.
i plan on using my major alone time in the hospital to have some much needed "father daughter" time (as deb calls it) with my jesus. if God had your undivided attention for 1-2 days with no distractions, think about how much he could teach you! i'm kind of excited. i am ready to hear his voice.

also i am curious to see if i will glow in the dark. just a thought.


also, depending on just how secluded i am (i'm checking for cameras), i may become a little living ipod advertisement and have a little dance party in my big plastic room with my music. after all, nobody can bust up in there on me because i might ....i don't know...mutate them ...or something... haha.

**side note: the best comment i have heard so far regarding all this radioactivity comes from bill who suggested:
"well, maybe if you touch a turtle or something you'll mutate and be like the ninja turtles with cool powers and skills! "

one can only hope. :)

God is teaching me not only about trust and being flexible (aka not in control), but also about hearing his voice. i read something today that said, "often what i consider interruptions are divine distractions designed to reveal His plans for me."
although as of this morning, none of this was supposed to happen, i have faith that this unplanned solitude will bring about great things.

i'll let ya'll know how it goes. i'm charging up my ipod, packing up my books, and enjoying the sights and sounds of the night. see you on the outside people.

would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change? Makes you change?

If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change? Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?Makes you change?

Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows
are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling? Why risk falling?

If everything you think you know, Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?Would you change?
If you'd broken every rule and vow, And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?

-tracy chapman


its interesting to me the many ways that God gets our attention.....and just what does it take for us to really make a change in how we live and how we love other people......



i have a ....potentially.... life changing day tomorrow.

happy new year!

thats right...i said happy new year.
nope, i don't have my holidays confused and they haven't rearranged the calendar...at least not just yet.

but today is a new year. i decided i am starting over. its the start of a new life. (for me and anyone else who wants to join)
why today you ask? many various and sundry reasons which would take too long to discuss.
but i do have them. reasons i mean.



(random side note: i particularly enjoy the word sundry. in both noun and adjective form.
definition: sundry:
(adj) consisting of a haphazard assortment of different kinds (even to the point of incongruity); "assorted sizes"; "miscellaneous accessories"; "a mixed program of baroque and contemporary music"; "a motley crew";
(noun): odds and ends, miscellaneous unspecified objects
not only do i think sundry would be a cool name for a band, but for some reason it reminds me of the oregon trail game we played when we were little....
and the little screen would remind you to get your 'sundries' at the general store before you embarked out west to cross rivers and change broken wheel axles and eventually die of cholera or a rattlesnake bite.
don't even try to hide the fact that really we all played to shoot the deer and the little prarie dogs. but really, how awesome was oregon trail day at school...'sigh'....)


okay. i'm back.

in starting my new life and my yellow brick road to recovery from all this cancer mess,
i got my first trial round of radiation treatment today.
at about 8 something this morning, they took me into a room labeled the 'hot lab,' sat me down in a special chair in a room full of weird instruments and needles and gave me.....a pill. and then some guy watched me take the pill and drink a big glass of water, stared at me for a minute or two (was he waiting to see if i started glowing or something?) and then said..."okay, you can go."
very anticlimactic no?
but hey, i'm not complaining :)
i am scheduled to go in on friday and get scanned for 30 min-hour or so and the radioactive stuff in the pill will show up on the scan and hopefully show them more of where the cancer is...which they will discuss with me the beginning of next week.


also on my new years day, i made a trip to the...healthy whole world earth vegan organic food fare grocery store...whatever...to try and embrace my new life of healthy eating.
i wandered around for about an hour and made several pleasing discoveries regarding this new change in diet:
1. organic earth eater people actually do eat chocolate. (yay). they just eat it mixed with healthier organic-y stuff like fruit and granola and other all natural ...stuff. i tried some. it was good.

2. they have a wall with every sort of dried fruit, seeds, beans, nuts, flake, fiber, candy, oats, mix and granola you could imagine. i made my own trail mix from this wall and you can put it in these little bags and take them home and mix them together. its kind of like making up your own cereal with whatever you want in it. WHATEVER you want. this wall-o-magic has the potential to amaze me for hours.

3. they have a whole pet food/accessory aisle. so not only can you go organic, but so can your dog, cat, fish, bird, rat, guinea pig, hamster, hermit crab and ant farm. just in case you were curious.

4. AND they had a paula deen cooking magazine in the checkout aisle. not only does this prove that if paula deen is in the organic grocery store, it shows that her cooking can't be all that unhealthy for you, this also upped the overall coolness factor of the grocery store in my eyes.

going all earth mother-y sometimes will not be so horrible after all.




so i say, why not today?
july 4th and new years eve are not all that different. both have lots of fireworks. both are holidays celebrated mostly at night marking independence and new beginnings. see my point?
and i am in the midst of making some new years resolution-type changes in my life.
so i say HAPPY NEW YEAR! to you on this 5th of july, 2006.

actually hoping to be sick tomorrow :)

so i'm going to be tested tomorrow at the cancer doctor to see if they can start radiation next week.

i have to be really hypothyroid (for all you non-medical types like myself, really hypothyroid= really sick) for the radiation to work properly. and i've been feelin ...funny ("funny" as in...not the greatest) recently so hopefully that is a good sign haha!

so cross your fingers that i am sick enough to start getting better.

my hair vs. the mullet

continuing to grow out my hair through some awkward stages without it turning into a mullet is a challenge on a daily basis....haha. it is more difficult than you would think.
now... this is not to say that i haven't seen some quality 80's-esque mullets walking around during my time in south carolina. because i have, believe me. :) but i just don't think i can quite pull it off. call me crazy.


however, much celebration was had by all (okay just me)
when i recently discovered :

1. i can now hold my hair back with some clips and it is finally long enough to stay. (this resulted in me forcing lindsey to look at my head while i jumped up and down in excitement in front of the bathroom mirror).
2. AND a good bit of my hair is long enough to tuck behind my ears.

these are two tiny things most people (okay maybe just girls) take for granted. or at least you take for granted until all your hair falls out.

it has hit me that i pretty much look like a normal person again.

for so long it was really physically obvious that something was wrong with me (first the baldness/short hair, then the huge napkin looking bandage around my neck)...both of which resulted in a lot of questions from people. my hair is still short, but a normal person short. and i still have a red scar on my neck that people notice a good bit, but it is slowly getting a lot better.

all these things seem pretty insignificant, but people automatically associate how you look with how you feel. so i guess to be perfectly honest...
recently it has been easier to pretend that i am and i feel....
normal.
even though i'm not really "normal" and i don't feel "normal", its easier to keep up appearances.

i wonder sometimes...
does that mean i'm acting fake? being private? in denial?
or just ...blending in?
i don't know.
do you?


some words from the truth:
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment... Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful."1 Peter 3:3-5

along with pedro the lion's commentary on the lies that the world tells us:
"put on whatever makes you attractive
if it's not you
then do it for the sake of fashion
your friends like a certain you
that's who you've got to be...
wisdom from a beauty queen
her tiara diggin deep in her head
i'm starting to think that i'm kind of shy
or at least i'd like to be...
so take it all off with lasers
so it never comes back
then we can pretend it's natural"


very interesting.

my weekend at edisto

consisted of:
going to the beach until the tide pushed us in for lunch.
nap time.
drivin out to the boat landing with BoDaddy to watch the tourists attempt (key word: attempt) to put their boats on their trailers for our afternoon entertainment.
sunset walk on the beach.
fallin asleep to the sound of everyone snoring but me and daddy (who was smart enough to bring ear plugs).
fishing and more importantly, a BIG fish. (32 inch spottail)
father's day/birthday lunch.
5 dogs, 3 boats, and one sunburn.
it was fabulous.

awesome awesome awesome sunset.

Quoteable quotes from our crazy family

"He's 86?!"
"Yeaha...don't you know if you live down here in the salt air, you live forever?"
"Really....I'd of thought you'd rust."
"Nah...that don't kill you. that just keeps the mosquitos away."


"I think that fishin pole bruised my organs"


"NO MULLET!"
(anyone who was in hearing distance may have thought that we were repeatedly upset about a particularly bad 80s hairstyle.... but really we were just yelling at one of the dogs haha)


and proof that my family revolves around food:

Me: "Don't you know this family at all? If you want to convince her to do it a yellow color, don't use the word yellow. Use something to do with food. You know, call it like ...creamed corn....or butter grits...something like that."
15 min later...
Daddy:"Well how bout a creamed corn color?"
Mama: "Mmmm....I like that...creamed corn."
Nana: "Speakin of corn, what do you want for dinner?"


Mama: "He looks kind of...ill."
BoDaddy: "We'll he's been sellin tomatos outta da back of that truck for 20 years! You'd look ill too."
Nana: "Speakin of tomatos, how bout we have some blt's for lunch?"


:)

hosea

God doesn't care if i know why or if i understand.
God cares if i obey.

so simple. yet so hard.

"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens - what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave - what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea." Job 11: 7-9

"God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding." Job 37:5

good example: hosea.

God says do something that seems pretty crazy. but he does it.
hosea is humbly and immediately obedient. he doesn't tell God..."um hang on..i'm not really sure, let me go think about that.."

this week, God made a point to remind me of this.

i know he made a point of this because this same...lesson...came repeatedly from several different, unconnected sources speaking truth into my life (and other people's lives hopefully).
so after about the third time this got brought up over the course of a few days, i figured it might be something pretty important that i should take some time to think about what this ...blind obedience...really looks like every day.
evvvvvvery day.

if you are looking for me, i'll be reading labels on the organic aisle in publix, thanks.

so.
recently i have been ...struggling (frustrated?) with having to permanently re-adjust my eating habits.

sometimes i don't feel like eating at all. when i do, a lot of times i want to eat like a normal person again and not have to incorporate new and weird and healthy things into my diet like barley and tofu and...raisins. i want to eat nothing but lucky charms and mashed potatoes and chewy chocolate chip cookies and all the yummy processed things that me and my screwed up immune system are not supposed to eat.

sometimes... i really break the rules and am stupid and then pay the consequences when i get sick.
sometimes... its totally worth it. a lot of times its not.


going out to eat is weird.


people ask if i am a vegetarian.
no.

hello can i take your orders?
normal people: yes i would like the flounder stuffed with crab and homemade macaroni and cheese on the side...i'll have the cheeseburger with french fries....lasagna and breadsticks...
me: hi, um...yes, i'll just have salad please. and could you take off the [insert unhealthy salad topping here] please? and put dressing on the side?

are you "anorexic or something"?
no.

normal people: yes i want to order a barbeque sandwich, hushpuppies, and coleslaw.
me: [after looking at the menu] ....do you have hot tea?

thus the problem.
granted, a little exaggerated. but you get the point.

i have compromised and bought those weird and healthy things (i have not actually eaten them yet, but they are in the pantry). mainly i am trying to (and should be) eating mostly fruit and veggies and other plain, plain healthy food because it helps me get better and feel better and be able to play and do normal things.
i have to just limit the amount of all the processed stuff (also known as normal food)...haha.

but....

because of this ...issue... i am learning a lot about discipline and/or self-control and/or moderation. in food and in lots of other areas of my life.
and reading in philippians the other day, i came across this:

"For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends! -Philippians 3:18-4:1

i don't want to have my stomach become a lowercase god for me.
so i am trying to take better care of myself these days (although i do allow myself occasional and much needed splurges haha).
God is transforming me to be more like him...even through my food. which is kind of cool. :)

alien bugs and 5am warfare

large amounts of febreeze do not kill roaches.

they do not, however, seem to enjoy windex.

i discovered this at about 5:30am this morning when i awoke to a crackling noise in my room. after turning on the light i found a gigantic lowcountry roach making LOUD CRACKLING noises (was he trying to talk to me?!) on my bookcase.
due to the fact that he was residing on some... breakable items.... and due to the fact that it was 5 something am and i was not in the best state of mind, i did not attempt to beat him with a shoe or other hard object. instead i grabbed the nearest cleaning supplies (we don't have bugspray yet), jumped on my chair (which is what girls do) and let him have it as he crawled away to a spot i couldn't reach.

he's somewhere behind my desk drowning in rainforest falls scented chemicals.
i hope he crackles his way right into the roach trap i slid under there and dies a windex-y death.

i miss being in clemson and living next to andrew and danny who could be called at all hours of the night to kill off whatever giant bug and/or small alien creature that may have invaded our apartment. but here in charleston i have a really nice roomate who comes to check on me when i am engaged in battle with bugs early in the morning and loud strange noises are coming from my room.

and at least now my room smells really clean.

"the final countdown" (to continue the 80s theme of the weekend)

its been almost exactly 2 months since i got diagnosed with cancer....a mini cancer-versary if you will.

and after not wasting a second of this last weekend, (see picture of the awesome 80s block party complete with flashdance attire) :

....it starts tomorrow.

the month where they let me get sick again. (for explanation on this, look at the first few blogs). no more "temporary" medicine.

but i pray that i don't waste it either.

here is a link called "don't waste your cancer". i have shared it with many people and i have read over a lot it since i first got diagnosed:

http://www.desiringgod.org/library/fresh_words/2006/021506.html

i could write and talk for hours... just on the points this brings up and how incredible things would happen if all cancer patients could live out these truths.

but i won't.

....at least not right now. :) but God has used this small thing to teach me amazing lessons time and time again. i re-read it pretty frequently.

over these next few months, although i am going to do my part to take care of my body as much as possible, i know God is going to use this time to his glory no matter how i may be feeling or what may happen. and that's all i need to know.

so remind me of that.

couldn't have said it better myself

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/opinion/orl-newvoices03a06jun03,0,5423614.story
(thank you nancy for this) :)



looks can be decieving.
and i am so incredibly blessed that i am not more sick than i am. and that i am surrounded by encouraging people who pour out the love of Christ on me in a very physical, very real, very visible way...on a daily basis.

so many people walking around have so many problems...(health and otherwise) and we have no clue. i'm learning that lots of people are able to fake it really well. and they are lonely.


"how to fight loneliness?...just smile all the time"
-wilco


i am constantly reminded to be more loving...understanding...patient. you don't know what the other person in the checkout line or the man who cuts you off in traffic is going through.


"We celebrate our sense of each other We have a lot to give one another "
-"man of metropolis"

being "unproductive" for a day depends on how you look at it....

sometimes you read words (or in my case, The Word), or hear music or look at a picture a thousand times and you think....hey that is good.

and then one day, it kicks you in the face. and it becomes real. it becomes your life.

today was full of these things.
and coincidentally, today was actually the first day... in a long time... that i have not been too busy to process things like this.

its really cool how God works things out like that.

Who is this King of Glory that pursues me with his love?
And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words?
My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need,
Who is this King of Glory who offers it to me?
Who is this King of angels, O blessed Prince of Peace
Revealing things of Heaven and all its mysteries
My spirit's ever longing for His grace in which to stand
Who's this King of glory, Son of God and son of man?

His name is Jesus, precious Jesus
The Lord Almighty, the King of my heart, The King of glory

Who is this King of Glory with strength and majesty
And wisdom beyond measure, the graceous King of kings
the Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things
Who is this King of Glory, He's everything to me
The Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things
He is the King of glory, He's everything to me