must...stay...awake

so i'm killing time till i have to go back to relay for life at midnight for my graveyard shift for a few more hours.

here is a picture from me and barbara after our survivor lap....my first year as a survivor!

quote of the night: (as the survivors are standing in line to get our free banquet of food)

"well, we lose our hair...pay thousands of dollars in medical bills...but at least they repay us with a sash and a ton of really good free food! Haha......they probably think we are all still on steroids and have the munchies..."

other good ones from this weird week:

"This is my new cat. His name is Squish and he has one eye." (Older lady I went to visit).

"I know they say you are supposed to respect your elders, but it is getting harder and harder to find any!" (Old man at a health fair)

easter

was good this year.

partly because we made it through the weekend without any hospital visits.

partly because i purposefully guarded enough time to really try and reflect throughout the weekend about the incredible-ness that is the cross.
good friday served sufficiently to kick me in my face with the overwhelming amount of ugliness that comes way too naturally to me. JI Packer writes that,

"Still he shows his freedom and lordship by discriminating between sinners, causing some to hear the gospel while others do not hear it, and moving some of those who hear it to repentance while leaving others in their unbelief, thus teaching his saints that he owes mercy to none and that it is entirely of his grace, not at all through their own self effort, that they themselves have found life."

it surely is only by his grace that he has chosen me for some odd reason. but i am extremely thankful that he did.

the weekend was spent with my whole crazy southern family down at edisto...pretty much doing nothing but eating because it was too cold to go fishing. :) it also included some much needed time with mom and dad assuring me that no, i'm not crazy... that its okay that i don't have my whole career planned out yet...that 22 years old is much too young to "fail at life" (okay so i was being dramatic)...and that no, they don't mind that i still need taking care of and they actually enjoy helping me stumble forward into my future... because thats what parents do when they love their children.

oh. and i got to play with my dog.

but perhaps the highlight of the weekend was when in the middle of the church service on sunday morning (in a pretty conservative baptist church on the island), a little boy with down's syndrome stood up with his arms raised and yelled "YAY FOR EASTER!!!!!" and the whole church broke into loud applause and "amens". it sort of felt like a movie or something because the moment was almost too perfect to be real. really, we should all be that excited that jesus has risen that we want to yell about it...even after easter is over.

so...YAY FOR EASTER

on my desk calendar yesterday,

the quote for the day was "The love of a genuine, patient and true friend gives us one small glimpse of what it will be like to be with God for all eternity"

and strangely enough, God sent a dear friend out of the blue to refresh me yesterday in the middle of the week. she doesn't live here and i miss her. our friendship is....comfortable. honest. it feels sort of like coming back home. we have seen each other at our worst (when we are complaining or irritable... or worse) and we still love each other. she encourages me to be a better person...a more godly person.

and we had dinner and fell asleep talking about how weird it is that we are supposedly adults now.

it was wonderful. and i needed it to get through the week.

thanks for the visit...i love you! :)

better than a birthday

happy cancer-versary to me! :)

Bridge Run 2006 vs. Bridge Run 2007

so.....we are all still recovering from the bridge run on saturday. or at least i am. my body is apparently fairly angry at me for forcing it to run 6.2 miles. :)
but, i did manage to cut a few minutes off my time from last year so i was happy.

the only thing i could think of while i was running was where i was a year ago.

the day before the bridge run last year, i had my biopsy done on my thryoid. the doctor had told me that i could still run (as long as i "didn't try to beat the kenyans or anything"...ha). so i ran my very first bridge run last year...with a bandaid on my throbbing neck and wondering if i had cancer or not. two days later on april 3rd, i got a phone call telling me that yes, in fact, i did.

the weeks that followed leading into easter 2006 seem like a blur. i don't think we even celebrated easter at all actually....cancer surgeries, a death, and a heart attack hailstormed down on our family within the same week...so much so that we stayed on a constant sense of alert waiting for the next bad thing to happen throughout the rest of the year.

during this years bridge run i couldn't help but thank the Lord for bringing me and my family through all of that mess somehow. 2007 has been a lot better....not easy, but better.
i am cancer free.
it doesn't get old no matter how many times i say that. :)
The Lord does not promise that we never will go through rough times but he is faithful to bring us out of them.

"But now thus says the LORD,he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you..." Isaiah 43: 1-4

cool poem

Written by Nate Millheim from ReIMAGINE:

"This bit of spoken word poetry was written as I walked through the diverse and beautiful Mission District of San Francisco, asking God to help me simply love …

My Thoughts

Sometimes they get all messed up,
they get all jacked up, all tripped up.

I see the tough guy with the tank-top under the double-x T-shirt,
gold chains hanging down
and a scowl on the brow,
and I feel threatened,
I feel offended, I feel defensive.

I see the hipster with the precocious smirk,
listening to some band he’s proud to know because other people don’t.
The T-shirt with the cute little graphic
New Balance shoes, Cool tattoos, the funky hat,
the ritual coffee cup and the road bike that makes him peg his right pant leg on his oh so tight jeans.

My thoughts get all messed up in my head,
I’d like to love but I’d rather not.
My own insecurities and my own peculiarities are calling.

The little boys hop the fence into the half finished Garfield Square.
Pipes and rocks are used instead of the baseball bats and balls that never came on Christmas morning.
Rocks are whizzing past my baby girl’s head.
Anger rises in my veins like a wave at Mavericks.

What feelings am I feeling now? What thoughts race through my tired brain?

When the man at the park scolds me, shaking his head, for not bringing him a bicycle .
While my family sits the drunken man knocks on the window of my car and complains that we will not give him food. He shakes his head in anger and disgust, scaring my two lovely ladies.

What now? Thoughts, feelings, thoughts, feelings, thoughts, feelings ...

I need to breathe.
I need to stop.
I need to rest.

My God says He loves, He cares, He sympathizes, He wishes well
He created ... In HIS IMAGE

He grieves when He sees the heroine needles.
He cries when He sees the lonely child.

Jesus spoke of a life abundant,
A life He came for us to have.

Echoes from my Sunday school childhood ring in my ear ...

Change my heart oh God, Make it ever true
Change my heart oh God, May I be like you

Let me be so in tune, like a head bopping to a Jay Z tune
My thoughts full of your thoughts

May my brain be full of good thoughts, full of generosity
May my heart be filled with a compassion it has never known
May my feelings find direction and inspiration from my Creator

Let me think YOUR thoughts and feel YOUR feelings for the people I see."

when its been a rough week....or weeks

Psalm 40

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods*. (the ESV calls them "lies")

Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have opened;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.
Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.
I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.
For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.
May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.
But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

When my mouth fails to produce the words needed to cry out to the Lord, his Spirit is so faithful to intercede and lead me right to what I desperately need.
May the Lord give you strength to make it through your days with joy.

beautiful day

so to preface this, i need to say things have been a little crazy lately and i realized i have been struggling a bit with contentment in my present circumstances for various reasons. (thank you ryan for convicting all of us at exchange this week...ouch) how often we doubt that the Lord has good intent for us, even when he has shown us (me) extreme faithfulness. i am so much like Israel sometimes it makes me cringe.
but i have been feeling restless lately...like i want to pick up and go somewhere different. and the Lord has shown me that partly this is due to a little discontentment. so we are working on that. :)

anyways...in light of all this i went running today with paige. i thoroughly enjoy our runs. sometimes when we are running we dance (yes, even on market street)...b/c really we just don't care and it makes it less boring...and its even funnier if there are actually large groups people around watching us wave our hands in the air while sucking wind down the battery.

so today we were having one of the above mentioned runs...and i was listening to some U2. and i looked up and just all of a sudden was overwhelmed with how beautiful everything is...how blue the sky was ...and what a gorgeous city i live in... and how thankful i am to have friends like paige who have such a similar spirit as i do...and that i am ...alive...to enjoy all of these beautiful things.

and I said a little prayer of thanks to the God who has blessed me so much.

i'm telling you, this girl is a genius.

I am afraid of beginning
‘cause I don’t know how to end

But you told me:
that the mountain before us
would become a plain in our eyes

So I won’t despise,
I won’t despise the day
I won’t despise the day of small things.

Even when you tell me…
oh, even then I’m shaking
‘Cause I am afraid of believing

The plans that we make seem so big
But you’ve shown me
that we’re never alone
and your spirit will stay by our side

So I won’t despise
I won’t despise the day
I won’t despise the day of small things.
-alli rogers

when we are afraid of doing what the Lord tells us to do because we don't know how it will turn out, we need to (i need to) have faith that He can do much more than we imagine, and take comfort in knowing he will never leave us.
Sometimes I think I am afraid to believe the Lord...even when he gives me the blessing of clear instruction...because usually His plans are so much bigger than what I would choose. Yes, his plans are bigger...but so is His power.

Lord, I believe. Help me overcome my unbelief.
Mark 9:14-27

i have good genes

"Be patient, be wise, be still, be consistent."

-my dad


good advice considering none of the above come naturally to me. :)

i knew physics would come in handy one day....

first:
just need to say thank you to all the awesome people who have prayed for me during these past 1 1/2 years. ya'll are amazingly encouraging and throw incredible post cancer parties. ;)

somehow thank you doesn't quite seem enough.
the words are inadequate to really express my gratitude.
when i find a better way to say it, i will.


second: (for all of you scientists)
i read this a while ago and this is the first chance i have gotten to write it all down. Next time somebody uses the metaphor of light and darkness (with light = good and darkness = bad), think about this:

"In the Hebrew tradition...light is a metaphor. God makes a cosmos out of the nothingness, a molecular composition, of which He is not and never has been, as any thing is limiting, and God has no limits...And into this being, into this existence, God first creates light. This light is not to be confused with the sun and moon and stars, as they are not created until later. He simply creates light, a nonsubstance that is like a particle and like a wave, but perhaps neither, just some kind of travelling energy...Light, then, becomes a fitting metaphor for a nonbeing who is. God, if like light, travels at the speed of light, and because space and time are mingled with speed, the speed of light is the magic, exact number that allows a kind of escape from time....The faster you move, physicists have found, the less you experience time. And if you move at the speed of light, you will never age; you are outside of time; you are an eternal creature. But...you and I, made from molecules, cannot travel at the speed of light and cannot escape time, at least not with a body. Consider the complexity of light in light of the Hebrew metaphor: we don't see light; we see what it touches. It is more or less invisible, made from nothing, just purposed and focused energy, infinite in its power (it will never tire if fitted into a vacuum, going on forever). How fitting then, for God to create an existence, then a metaphor, as if to say, here is something entirely unlike you, outside of time, infinite in its power and thrust: here is something you can experience but cannot understand. Throughout the remainder of the Bible, then, God calls himself light. "

Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts

the Lord knew that perhaps the true, deeper meaning of calling himself light (and how the scientific properties of light reflect his glory) would not be discovered until thousands of years after he originally spoke it to the Hebrew people.

thank you physicists for figuring stuff like this out. and thank you donald miller for writing about it in such a way that us non-scientific people could begin to understand it.

how sweet the sound

if william wilberforce were not already married....

and dead.....

i might would marry him myself.

good movie. go see it if you haven't already:

http://www.amazinggracemovie.com/

a lesson on how to not waste your life

so yesterday in sunday school we had the privilege of listening to a married couple who have been doing missions in the Northern Africa area for about 40 years or so...and they were amazing.

on top of the incredible stories they told of their opportunities to share Christ with the people in the part of the world, two things really stuck with me about them...

the first being that they have not stopped their ministry (at home in the US or in Africa) just because they are old. john piper talks in "don't waste your life" about how the purpose of life is not to retire in florida and spend all our time playing golf, or bingo, or riding around in a big boat. in fact, if that is what we are working towards then we have missed the whole point entirely...and we have wasted our chance.

one of my greatest fears is waking up 50 years down the road living in materialistic suburbia and wondering where the heck the years have gone and what do i have to show for them? last year, getting diagnosed with cancer certainly bumped this up on my priority list. i had to really look at my life and ask how i was letting the Lord use my time and my talents in case my chance was almost up. now that i am CANCER FREE :) my constant prayer is that i would not waste the life the Lord has chosen to bless me with.

these two missionaries are perfect examples of what christians should be spending our time doing...and stop using our age (being "too young" or "too old") as an excuse. these two faithful servants are finishing their race well. i hope we do the same.

the other thing about them was their relationship with one another. the husband stumbled through several stories while his wife interjected with comments to correct him or clarify...not in a rude or condescending way...more like she was helping him to get it all out...encouraging him along. when she interrupted him, he didn't get irritated or frustrated, just humbly acknowledged his confusion or mistake and looked gratefully at her for her assistance with a smile. when her time came to speak, he proudly introduced her and let his wife tell her own stories.
....you could just tell that they really loved each other i guess. that they had endured incredible hardships together and they really needed one another's help. each had their own strengths to help support the other. it was awesome.

and in 50 years i hope i have that kind of love. i hope you do too.

freedom

i don't have cancer anymore.




last week was a whirlwind of prayer, tests, scary inconclusive results, and more tests. but as of 3:30 on friday, i am cancer free. cancer FREE. i am still processing this.

the Lord is so gracious...funny...but gracious. after leaving community group on tuesday night, he really was speaking to me about what it really means when he says "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Corinthians 3:17)...reading through Isaiah 11 when it talks about the spirit of the Lord is the spirit of rest in the Lord, of wisdom, counsel, might, power, understanding, fear of the Lord, and delight in the Lord. Okay so since we have the Holy Spirit then we have all these things..and we have freedom when we are in the Spirit...what does that mean? it means we are FREE despite our circumstances. when i feel the need to just get out in the openness of God's creation or feel the urge to just pick up and leave, the Spirit provides the joy of this freedom even when sitting in our offices (or cubicles for some of you) or in a big white claustrophobic tube in the hospital. gosh this just blew my mind for some reason the other night.

the Lord was gracious enough to provide me comfort to be okay with finding out whether I had cancer or that I didn't have cancer. Good...I was able to trust in the Lord for those things. What I was not prepared for was the Lord telling me that it wasn't choice 1 or choice 2...but secret door number 3: learning to be patient and wait on the Lord and his perfect timing! How little my brain understands the ways of the Lord! He had to stretch me just a little bit more..just a little bit farther with something completely unexpected.

Isaiah 26: 3-8
3 You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.
4 Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
5 He humbles those who dwell on high,
he lays the lofty city low;
he levels it to the ground
and casts it down to the dust.
6 Feet trample it down—
the feet of the oppressed,
the footsteps of the poor.
7 The path of the righteous is level;
O upright One, you make the way of the righteous smooth.
8 Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws,
we wait for you; your name and renown
are the desire of our hearts.


The Lord is so faithful to me....and has been for the past year and a half. May the Lord bless you with a spirit of FREEDOM today. I love ya'll more than you know!

things that are funny to me...

riding in elevators. we have one at work, and if someone else steps in that you don't know...or know well...i can feel the air get thick with uncomfortableness and the awkward silence that follows till someone gets off.
people can be completely silent for the whole ride, then they'll say "goodbye" or "have a good day" right before they step off. we can only speak when we know we can escape quickly.

it makes me laugh.

maybe because we all subconsciously feel the need to face forward so it would be strange to turn around and talk to the person?
maybe we feel like its not enough personal space and we wouldn't be able to back away from the person since you're trapped in a box?

i don't know. but it is darn funny, let me tell you.

starting to lose it.....

i think i washed my hair 3 times in a row this morning.....and a couple of other days this week.

it could have been more than that or maybe it was just twice...

but it was definately more than once.

i am so tired...i just zone out and can't remember if i have already done it, or if i have just thought about doing it. weird i know.

valen'times' (that was for wimbo)

i love you.


ephesians 3: 14- 19
When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

i think this just hit me today.

i think the hardest thing about adjusting from being in school to working is this:

...it doesn't end.


there is not really a goal to reach for. no exam. no semester completed. no break. if you actually finish a project, then that just means you move on to the next thing on your never-ending to do list. another table to wait on. another person to call. (or for me, another post-it note on my desk) it just goes on and on and on forever.

you had better like your job.

most days, i do.

how you "know"....?

good song about our constant analyzation of whether a person is "the one" or not.....and how we question if there is someone out there that God has created who is better for us. you know how people say when you are with the person you are going to marry, you just "know." i don't know how you "know." sometimes i think we are looking for a perfect person....and that doesn't exist...well except for Jesus. my dad told me once that "loving a person is a choice...a commitment. you may not always feel like loving someone, but you choose too anyway."
when you really choose to love someone, (and you don't entertain the thought that they owe you something)...you are learning how to serve and encourage another human being. if you are worrying about what they are giving you (or not giving you), then eventually you'll be very unsatisfied and probably bitter. they are going to disappoint you. and tick you off. but if we would stop thinking about ourselves for one minute and think about them first, then that would solve a good bit of the problem right there. just a thought.

All At Once -The Fray

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you had her maybe you lost her to another
To another

in the home stretch

a few more weeks folks.

i'm now officially off my medicine and on a "low iodine" diet (which = nothing containing salt, dairy products, eggs, soy products, seafood, canned foods or drinks, cured meats, or Red Dye #3...and no i'm not kidding about the last one) for the next 2-3 weeks until my blood shows i'm ready for my scan.

and then.........

we will know. one way or the other.
i'm ready to be done.

and when i am....time to party!!!!