i am officially in remission as of 12:35pm today. no more tests, no more scans, no more injections, no more radiation....ever.
i feel like i can finally breathe.
i don't think i knew that i had been holding my breath for the past few years in anticipation for the next blow, but the freedom of deliverance is a wonderful thing that i am ready to embrace.
i am so thankful for all of you and grateful that jesus has allowed me to stick around for a while longer. praise God for his grace towards me and us all!
"You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy!" Isaiah 26:19
"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave."
Psalm 86
Showing posts with label Cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cancer. Show all posts
Friday, April 24, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
update
so yesterday i drank some radiation with a plastic straw. out of a 3 pound metal cylinder.
i should have learned by now i need to bring my camera everywhere with me. seriously.
today, had my 30ish minute scan (shorter than usual!) where they wrap you up like a mental patient and put dots on your face. i dragged katie beth along for entertainment while i was stuck in the tube and we had a good time.
well, as good of time you can have when you can't talk or move in any way.
i'll get the results late today or tomorrow so i'm still on the diet and i'll update when those come in.
on a side note, something i've noticed over the past few weeks:
faithfulness.
not only has God been extremely gracious and faithful to me since all this began, but i am reminded of people's faithfulness to each other.
the waiting room is always a sobering place filled with people who are bald from cancer, in wheelchairs, people who look miserably sick. yet, they all have children or husbands or wives to love them. if you wonder if people stay married anymore, come sit in the waiting room with a couple in their 70s where he holds her hand and tells her she is beautiful even with no hair. that is faithfulness.
i have gotten insane amounts of phone calls and text messages from friends reminding me of their love. flowers, cards, emails... all tangible expressions of how i have amazingly faithful friends. old friends who have walked with me from the beginning of this and new friends to see me to the finish.
thank you. i love ya'll.
i should have learned by now i need to bring my camera everywhere with me. seriously.
today, had my 30ish minute scan (shorter than usual!) where they wrap you up like a mental patient and put dots on your face. i dragged katie beth along for entertainment while i was stuck in the tube and we had a good time.
well, as good of time you can have when you can't talk or move in any way.
i'll get the results late today or tomorrow so i'm still on the diet and i'll update when those come in.
on a side note, something i've noticed over the past few weeks:
faithfulness.
not only has God been extremely gracious and faithful to me since all this began, but i am reminded of people's faithfulness to each other.
the waiting room is always a sobering place filled with people who are bald from cancer, in wheelchairs, people who look miserably sick. yet, they all have children or husbands or wives to love them. if you wonder if people stay married anymore, come sit in the waiting room with a couple in their 70s where he holds her hand and tells her she is beautiful even with no hair. that is faithfulness.
i have gotten insane amounts of phone calls and text messages from friends reminding me of their love. flowers, cards, emails... all tangible expressions of how i have amazingly faithful friends. old friends who have walked with me from the beginning of this and new friends to see me to the finish.
thank you. i love ya'll.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
anniversary
it blows my mind that it has been two years this weekend.
two years of freedom for me.
and of course God in his perfect timing brought about several stories this weekend of people who weren't so lucky. people who didn't make it. sad, horrible stories of families struggling to see God in the midst of their pain.
every time i heard one of these stories i felt like a bus hit me. my breath was taken away... to be reminded once more of God's kindness and grace and gentleness toward me. i know God is sovereign, but i still wonder sometimes why his hand of mercy was upon me.
me, instead of someone else.
maybe its God's way of reminding me of salvation. that although i (we) deserve to die, he lovingly chooses to save us.
two years of freedom for me.
and of course God in his perfect timing brought about several stories this weekend of people who weren't so lucky. people who didn't make it. sad, horrible stories of families struggling to see God in the midst of their pain.
every time i heard one of these stories i felt like a bus hit me. my breath was taken away... to be reminded once more of God's kindness and grace and gentleness toward me. i know God is sovereign, but i still wonder sometimes why his hand of mercy was upon me.
me, instead of someone else.
maybe its God's way of reminding me of salvation. that although i (we) deserve to die, he lovingly chooses to save us.
"Comfort, comfort my people, says your God
Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for..."
-Isaiah 40:1-2
"In my anguish I cried to the Lord,
and he answered by setting me free."
Psalm 118:5
Saturday, February 09, 2008
one year of cancer free-dom
i found out this week that i have passed the one year test. after a long wait (thanks to my doctor deciding to take monday off), I was at work when I finally got the voicemail i had been waiting for: "you are completely fine!" exhausted and excited, i went home and cried myself into a nice long nap curled up with my heating pad. (my body temp isn't quite back to normal yet haha).
a lot of the fear and anxiety i have experienced in the past few years has diminished over the past 12 months. my God has been so kind to me in many ways, and through many people. if you are reading this, you are probably one of them. thanks for the encouragment.
the Lord has granted me at least another year. which for me, equals finally being able to move on with my life. finally making plans for things down the road, but being flexible to what God may have in store for me.
"We plan and figure and predict that this or that will happen, but we forget to make room for God to come in as he chooses. Do not look for God to come in any particular way, but do look for Him...No matter how well we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that He may break in at any minute. We tend to overlook this element of surprise, but God never works in any other way. " -Oswald Chambers
2008.....get excited!
i am.
a lot of the fear and anxiety i have experienced in the past few years has diminished over the past 12 months. my God has been so kind to me in many ways, and through many people. if you are reading this, you are probably one of them. thanks for the encouragment.
the Lord has granted me at least another year. which for me, equals finally being able to move on with my life. finally making plans for things down the road, but being flexible to what God may have in store for me.
"We plan and figure and predict that this or that will happen, but we forget to make room for God to come in as he chooses. Do not look for God to come in any particular way, but do look for Him...No matter how well we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that He may break in at any minute. We tend to overlook this element of surprise, but God never works in any other way. " -Oswald Chambers
2008.....get excited!
i am.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
thyroid insanity and answered prayer
not all of ya'll got these, but they are actual emails that went out within an hour of each other yesterday:
8:30am
hey ya'll-
so latest update as of a few minutes ago.....got my blood work done yesterday and just got the results. Two weeks ago, my TSH level was at 1.75 and I has to be at least 30 to have the test, so they made me wait until this week to check again. My TSH is now 129. Which means I am a walking dead person pretty much. The doctor seemed real surprised that it got that high (story of my life).
Unfortunately, I am not able to have the scan this week. Normally I would take a radioactive pill, get scanned and be done (pretty quick procedure). However this year I was just informed that I have to have a more invasive scan. The only day they can do this is on February 4th. I will be injected with some radioactive fluid at 11am and scanned at 3:30pm. Which means, I am still on the diet and still off my meds for another week.
Prayer requests:
-That I can make it through work this week (no thryoid = diminished brain function = aly is an idiot). The Lord's strength will be displayed if I do, because I certainly can't do it on my own.
-That the teachers will have grace and I can rearrange my schedule for monday so I do not have to take the day off.
-That I can make it through the weekend...particularly with energy and not being able to eat at several large events (which includes having to work on Saturday morning, a family birthday party, and the super bowl... which i may skip entirely (sorry wynn and john!).
-That the Lord will have mercy on me during the injection procedure on Monday (if you know me, you know I don't do well with needles in my arms) and that the scan will be clear.
I know the Lord is working through this just like everything else. But honestly, I am just real discouraged/frustrated and it doesn't help that I am psychotic by this point for being off my medicine for over a month. My mom is coming to take care of me today. Please just pray.
In His Kind Arms,
aly
..............................................................................
9:30am
well, not sure who read the last email, but your prayers worked! (thanks cheryl and simonsl! :)
i called the doctor upset and asked if there was any way they could do it sooner. she put me on hold, then came back on and told me that they made a mistake and had scheduled me for the WRONG scan at the hospital (makes you wonder how often that happens?) She worked it so i could have everything done ASAP.
I am getting my pill tomorrow and having the scan on Friday (YAY! which means no injection and i get to start my meds on Friday afternoon).
God has an ironic sense of humor. I think he's teaching me to be flexible.
aly
So needless to say, it was an emotional rollercoaster of a day.
Really, I just need ya'll to pray that I can make it through the next few days. My body feels like its dying, my hair is falling out, i get dizzy when i stand up, and I still have to work until Saturday afternoon. I am so grateful for the Lord and his mercy working it out that I can have this done now instead of next week because I don't think I could have lasted that long. Thanks for the emails...I love ya'll.
8:30am
hey ya'll-
so latest update as of a few minutes ago.....got my blood work done yesterday and just got the results. Two weeks ago, my TSH level was at 1.75 and I has to be at least 30 to have the test, so they made me wait until this week to check again. My TSH is now 129. Which means I am a walking dead person pretty much. The doctor seemed real surprised that it got that high (story of my life).
Unfortunately, I am not able to have the scan this week. Normally I would take a radioactive pill, get scanned and be done (pretty quick procedure). However this year I was just informed that I have to have a more invasive scan. The only day they can do this is on February 4th. I will be injected with some radioactive fluid at 11am and scanned at 3:30pm. Which means, I am still on the diet and still off my meds for another week.
Prayer requests:
-That I can make it through work this week (no thryoid = diminished brain function = aly is an idiot). The Lord's strength will be displayed if I do, because I certainly can't do it on my own.
-That the teachers will have grace and I can rearrange my schedule for monday so I do not have to take the day off.
-That I can make it through the weekend...particularly with energy and not being able to eat at several large events (which includes having to work on Saturday morning, a family birthday party, and the super bowl... which i may skip entirely (sorry wynn and john!).
-That the Lord will have mercy on me during the injection procedure on Monday (if you know me, you know I don't do well with needles in my arms) and that the scan will be clear.
I know the Lord is working through this just like everything else. But honestly, I am just real discouraged/frustrated and it doesn't help that I am psychotic by this point for being off my medicine for over a month. My mom is coming to take care of me today. Please just pray.
In His Kind Arms,
aly
..............................................................................
9:30am
well, not sure who read the last email, but your prayers worked! (thanks cheryl and simonsl! :)
i called the doctor upset and asked if there was any way they could do it sooner. she put me on hold, then came back on and told me that they made a mistake and had scheduled me for the WRONG scan at the hospital (makes you wonder how often that happens?) She worked it so i could have everything done ASAP.
I am getting my pill tomorrow and having the scan on Friday (YAY! which means no injection and i get to start my meds on Friday afternoon).
God has an ironic sense of humor. I think he's teaching me to be flexible.
aly
So needless to say, it was an emotional rollercoaster of a day.
Really, I just need ya'll to pray that I can make it through the next few days. My body feels like its dying, my hair is falling out, i get dizzy when i stand up, and I still have to work until Saturday afternoon. I am so grateful for the Lord and his mercy working it out that I can have this done now instead of next week because I don't think I could have lasted that long. Thanks for the emails...I love ya'll.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
freedom
i don't have cancer anymore.
last week was a whirlwind of prayer, tests, scary inconclusive results, and more tests. but as of 3:30 on friday, i am cancer free. cancer FREE. i am still processing this.
the Lord is so gracious...funny...but gracious. after leaving community group on tuesday night, he really was speaking to me about what it really means when he says "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Corinthians 3:17)...reading through Isaiah 11 when it talks about the spirit of the Lord is the spirit of rest in the Lord, of wisdom, counsel, might, power, understanding, fear of the Lord, and delight in the Lord. Okay so since we have the Holy Spirit then we have all these things..and we have freedom when we are in the Spirit...what does that mean? it means we are FREE despite our circumstances. when i feel the need to just get out in the openness of God's creation or feel the urge to just pick up and leave, the Spirit provides the joy of this freedom even when sitting in our offices (or cubicles for some of you) or in a big white claustrophobic tube in the hospital. gosh this just blew my mind for some reason the other night.
the Lord was gracious enough to provide me comfort to be okay with finding out whether I had cancer or that I didn't have cancer. Good...I was able to trust in the Lord for those things. What I was not prepared for was the Lord telling me that it wasn't choice 1 or choice 2...but secret door number 3: learning to be patient and wait on the Lord and his perfect timing! How little my brain understands the ways of the Lord! He had to stretch me just a little bit more..just a little bit farther with something completely unexpected.
Isaiah 26: 3-8
3 You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.
4 Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
5 He humbles those who dwell on high,
he lays the lofty city low;
he levels it to the ground
and casts it down to the dust.
6 Feet trample it down—
the feet of the oppressed,
the footsteps of the poor.
7 The path of the righteous is level;
O upright One, you make the way of the righteous smooth.
8 Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws,
we wait for you; your name and renown
are the desire of our hearts.
The Lord is so faithful to me....and has been for the past year and a half. May the Lord bless you with a spirit of FREEDOM today. I love ya'll more than you know!
last week was a whirlwind of prayer, tests, scary inconclusive results, and more tests. but as of 3:30 on friday, i am cancer free. cancer FREE. i am still processing this.
the Lord is so gracious...funny...but gracious. after leaving community group on tuesday night, he really was speaking to me about what it really means when he says "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (2 Corinthians 3:17)...reading through Isaiah 11 when it talks about the spirit of the Lord is the spirit of rest in the Lord, of wisdom, counsel, might, power, understanding, fear of the Lord, and delight in the Lord. Okay so since we have the Holy Spirit then we have all these things..and we have freedom when we are in the Spirit...what does that mean? it means we are FREE despite our circumstances. when i feel the need to just get out in the openness of God's creation or feel the urge to just pick up and leave, the Spirit provides the joy of this freedom even when sitting in our offices (or cubicles for some of you) or in a big white claustrophobic tube in the hospital. gosh this just blew my mind for some reason the other night.
the Lord was gracious enough to provide me comfort to be okay with finding out whether I had cancer or that I didn't have cancer. Good...I was able to trust in the Lord for those things. What I was not prepared for was the Lord telling me that it wasn't choice 1 or choice 2...but secret door number 3: learning to be patient and wait on the Lord and his perfect timing! How little my brain understands the ways of the Lord! He had to stretch me just a little bit more..just a little bit farther with something completely unexpected.
Isaiah 26: 3-8
3 You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.
4 Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
5 He humbles those who dwell on high,
he lays the lofty city low;
he levels it to the ground
and casts it down to the dust.
6 Feet trample it down—
the feet of the oppressed,
the footsteps of the poor.
7 The path of the righteous is level;
O upright One, you make the way of the righteous smooth.
8 Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws,
we wait for you; your name and renown
are the desire of our hearts.
The Lord is so faithful to me....and has been for the past year and a half. May the Lord bless you with a spirit of FREEDOM today. I love ya'll more than you know!
Friday, February 16, 2007
starting to lose it.....
i think i washed my hair 3 times in a row this morning.....and a couple of other days this week.
it could have been more than that or maybe it was just twice...
but it was definately more than once.
i am so tired...i just zone out and can't remember if i have already done it, or if i have just thought about doing it. weird i know.
it could have been more than that or maybe it was just twice...
but it was definately more than once.
i am so tired...i just zone out and can't remember if i have already done it, or if i have just thought about doing it. weird i know.
Friday, February 02, 2007
in the home stretch
a few more weeks folks.
i'm now officially off my medicine and on a "low iodine" diet (which = nothing containing salt, dairy products, eggs, soy products, seafood, canned foods or drinks, cured meats, or Red Dye #3...and no i'm not kidding about the last one) for the next 2-3 weeks until my blood shows i'm ready for my scan.
and then.........
we will know. one way or the other.
i'm ready to be done.
and when i am....time to party!!!!
i'm now officially off my medicine and on a "low iodine" diet (which = nothing containing salt, dairy products, eggs, soy products, seafood, canned foods or drinks, cured meats, or Red Dye #3...and no i'm not kidding about the last one) for the next 2-3 weeks until my blood shows i'm ready for my scan.
and then.........
we will know. one way or the other.
i'm ready to be done.
and when i am....time to party!!!!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Roundhouse kick to the face....
ever since someone sent me the cancer quote about chuck norris' tears...i have been a fan. so i found this really interesting:
"Chuck Norris' first column for WorldNetDaily consisted of yet another response. It began similarly to the above quote from chucknorris.com, but then disclaimed Norris' own prowess in favor of God and Jesus Christ.
In response to "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.", Norris said It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.By the way, without him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things – and so can you.[2]
In response to "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.", Norris said
"There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood."
who knew chuck norris was a christian? not me.
"Chuck Norris' first column for WorldNetDaily consisted of yet another response. It began similarly to the above quote from chucknorris.com, but then disclaimed Norris' own prowess in favor of God and Jesus Christ.
In response to "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.", Norris said It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.By the way, without him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things – and so can you.[2]
In response to "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.", Norris said
"There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood."
who knew chuck norris was a christian? not me.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
weekend update
went to the doctor on friday and as always, i made friends with some random people which were a huge blessing in my day.
here's the news:
over the next 6 months, the strong dose of radiation that I recently recieved will kill off the remaining thyroid cells in my throat (cancerous and non-cancerous). i will be on my thyroid pills for the next 6 months and then I will stop them again to get scanned/checked at the end of january. Then based on whatever they find then determines the next step, if I'll get checked a year later, etc. etc. for several years.
with thyroid cancer, there is no real black and white, "cured, not cured, cancer free, in remission" type of terminology...at least not for a few years. what they can tell me is that they "expect" me to make a full recovery...sometime... eventually.
it makes me laugh because the poor stressed out doctors can't give anybody straight answers because they really are doing the best they can, but they don't know how the human body is going to react and they have to cover all the bases so they don't get fired or messed up in some nasty red tape for telling somebody the wrong thing. Sometimes I want to tell them that no matter what they tell me, that God is in control of whether I am miraculously healed tomorrow or whether we all are killed in the next 5 seconds....so really they can just do their jobs to the best of their ability and relax because ultimately someone else has the final say in what happens in life.
pretty much as soon as I finish getting adjusted to my medicine (another 2, 3ish weeks?) I should basically try to resume "normal" life and not worry about it until the end of january! God is asking me to faith it for 6 more months. And after the tremendous blessing of everything that has happened this year, I have no problem with trusting him with my health and everything else. :)
also this weekend, we all had the pleasure to send off sally katherine in style to serve in Central Asia for 2 years. leigh and i were lucky enough to get to distract her for the weekend while everyone else prepared for her surprise party (i will post pictures soon)....which was a surpise indeed, both for sally katherine, and for all of us in a way. whitney and emily did an amazing job orchestrating a great time of prayer and love and God's presence was definitely there.
you want to meet someone with a lot of faith? well she is blonde and about 5'2'' and she is about to burst because she is fulfilling God's purpose for her life in overseas missions in just a few more days. she inspires me to keep going. i love you sk. and we are all praying for you.
here's the news:
over the next 6 months, the strong dose of radiation that I recently recieved will kill off the remaining thyroid cells in my throat (cancerous and non-cancerous). i will be on my thyroid pills for the next 6 months and then I will stop them again to get scanned/checked at the end of january. Then based on whatever they find then determines the next step, if I'll get checked a year later, etc. etc. for several years.
with thyroid cancer, there is no real black and white, "cured, not cured, cancer free, in remission" type of terminology...at least not for a few years. what they can tell me is that they "expect" me to make a full recovery...sometime... eventually.
it makes me laugh because the poor stressed out doctors can't give anybody straight answers because they really are doing the best they can, but they don't know how the human body is going to react and they have to cover all the bases so they don't get fired or messed up in some nasty red tape for telling somebody the wrong thing. Sometimes I want to tell them that no matter what they tell me, that God is in control of whether I am miraculously healed tomorrow or whether we all are killed in the next 5 seconds....so really they can just do their jobs to the best of their ability and relax because ultimately someone else has the final say in what happens in life.
pretty much as soon as I finish getting adjusted to my medicine (another 2, 3ish weeks?) I should basically try to resume "normal" life and not worry about it until the end of january! God is asking me to faith it for 6 more months. And after the tremendous blessing of everything that has happened this year, I have no problem with trusting him with my health and everything else. :)
also this weekend, we all had the pleasure to send off sally katherine in style to serve in Central Asia for 2 years. leigh and i were lucky enough to get to distract her for the weekend while everyone else prepared for her surprise party (i will post pictures soon)....which was a surpise indeed, both for sally katherine, and for all of us in a way. whitney and emily did an amazing job orchestrating a great time of prayer and love and God's presence was definitely there.
you want to meet someone with a lot of faith? well she is blonde and about 5'2'' and she is about to burst because she is fulfilling God's purpose for her life in overseas missions in just a few more days. she inspires me to keep going. i love you sk. and we are all praying for you.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
my big plastic paradise
i'm out!
well sort of.
out of the hospital. but i'm still secluded in my room at home, which no one can come into really for a few more days. i can open the door and talk to people, but pretty much i'm still pretty isolated.
my time in the hospital officially started when i got dropped off in my plastic room. momma laughed and so did i. (see pictures). the room was sort of like a really clean...big...plastic...prison of sorts. except no sketchy cell mate. and pretty much i was told to avoid touching anything that was not covered in saran wrap looking plastic.
after she dropped me off, i put on my gown and then the doctor came in and had a big, radioactive box, pulled out a pill in a glass vial with a pair of tongs, and told me to swallow the pill but to only touch the glass vial while doing it.
i followed instructions and then she threw the glass vial back in the box, measured me with a gun....
thing...
which reminded me of that little box they used on ghostbusters. then she shut the two sets of doors and left.
and no one came in for a loooong time.
to my dismay, i didn't glow in the dark...or anything remotely interesting (no ninja turtle skills). i really feel no different except for a really bad sore throat (which my doctor told me was normal).
they gave me food by a little system. they would announce that my [breakfast, lunch, etc.] was there and to make sure i was away from the outermost door. then they would come in the outside door, drop off the food in the little hallway area, tap on the innermost door to let me know, and leave. then i could go out into this little enclosed inbetween area and get my food, and then go back inside the innermost door. (does that make sense?) i couldn't ever open the outside door b/c i would leak out...or something.
when my doctor came to check on me to let me out, she scanned me, told me it would be a few more hours, and then came back and checked me again, had me signed some paperwork, and that was it. no one could come in my room until it was detoxed by some physicist after i left. and i had to walk way far away from everyone and momma drove me home and shut me up in my room. so here i am.
my time in the hospital (and now at home) was not bad.
strangely, it was almost ...nice.
i slept. i had no IV, no nurses taking my blood, and they brought me food (which momma is still currently having to do). i had/am having some much needed quality time with God (more details on this perhaps another day), listening to music, doing some things for myself for once (meaning arts/crafts) and taking.........lets call it ...a sabbatical.
here are some pictures that will provide not only proof for this bizarre experience, but hopefully some laughs. :)
doorway to my room! 
my big plastic covered room!
well sort of.
out of the hospital. but i'm still secluded in my room at home, which no one can come into really for a few more days. i can open the door and talk to people, but pretty much i'm still pretty isolated.
my time in the hospital officially started when i got dropped off in my plastic room. momma laughed and so did i. (see pictures). the room was sort of like a really clean...big...plastic...prison of sorts. except no sketchy cell mate. and pretty much i was told to avoid touching anything that was not covered in saran wrap looking plastic.
after she dropped me off, i put on my gown and then the doctor came in and had a big, radioactive box, pulled out a pill in a glass vial with a pair of tongs, and told me to swallow the pill but to only touch the glass vial while doing it.
i followed instructions and then she threw the glass vial back in the box, measured me with a gun....
thing...
which reminded me of that little box they used on ghostbusters. then she shut the two sets of doors and left.
and no one came in for a loooong time.
to my dismay, i didn't glow in the dark...or anything remotely interesting (no ninja turtle skills). i really feel no different except for a really bad sore throat (which my doctor told me was normal).
they gave me food by a little system. they would announce that my [breakfast, lunch, etc.] was there and to make sure i was away from the outermost door. then they would come in the outside door, drop off the food in the little hallway area, tap on the innermost door to let me know, and leave. then i could go out into this little enclosed inbetween area and get my food, and then go back inside the innermost door. (does that make sense?) i couldn't ever open the outside door b/c i would leak out...or something.
when my doctor came to check on me to let me out, she scanned me, told me it would be a few more hours, and then came back and checked me again, had me signed some paperwork, and that was it. no one could come in my room until it was detoxed by some physicist after i left. and i had to walk way far away from everyone and momma drove me home and shut me up in my room. so here i am.
my time in the hospital (and now at home) was not bad.
strangely, it was almost ...nice.
i slept. i had no IV, no nurses taking my blood, and they brought me food (which momma is still currently having to do). i had/am having some much needed quality time with God (more details on this perhaps another day), listening to music, doing some things for myself for once (meaning arts/crafts) and taking.........lets call it ...a sabbatical.
here are some pictures that will provide not only proof for this bizarre experience, but hopefully some laughs. :)
doorway to my room! 
yep. that's for my trash and linens.
my big plastic covered room! 
lazyboy anyone?
my phone and remote (these proved my biggest difficulty during my stay. i couldn't hear anyone on the phone and i had a really hard time reading the buttons on the remote. so after about an hour or so, i just didn't watch tv) :)
now, does this look like the face of someone who is radioactive? apparently it is.
my sink. 
yep. even the light switches and doorhandles were covered in plastic. :)
overall, this was and is continuing to be a funny/weird experience. i'm pretty sure this is real...but still i wonder, is this really my life?
Thursday, July 13, 2006
aren't you glad i didn't email this one?
some days i have the weirdest life.
so i went in on monday to the doctor and got some pretty great news as a result of the trial radiation dose and scan that i had last week! last week they gave me a pill and a few days later i got strapped down like a mummy in a machine to scan me for 30-45 min ....it had little lasers to detect just how close it could get to me without actually touching me. it got REAL close. and despite the fake clouds that they had carefully painted on the ceiling, the doctor suggested that i close my eyes. good idea.
on monday they told me the cancer hasn't really spread beyond my throat and they think one strong dose of radiation should take care of what is left. YAY.
i was supposed to get a pill, have to go home for the weekend and avoid people and then be done with it.
sounded simple enough to me, and despite some changes (see below), i feel extremely blessed that cancer is not eating me up from the inside out.
i realize that this is a result of MUCH prayer on YOUR parts. God has been so so so faithful to me through all of this and I cannot begin to express how much i have seen His love and hand through each and every one of you. your prayers and wisdom and words of encouragement amaze me.
so thank you. :) i love you.
well in my consult today things got a little bit ....more ....complicated...weird...funny..?
i started out in the cancer/radiation waiting room of the hospital which on a serious note, is a very sad place. everyone is burned in different places (most radiation does this to you...mine will not) and has little to no hair. mainly the hair loss is due to radiation/chemo (and no my hair will not fall out again thank goodness). but some of this is because they are all over 60 years old and have no hair anyway.
it reminded me a lot of my grandfather (who lost the battle to his thyroid cancer on Good Friday of this year, just a few days after I had my own thyroid tumor taken out). and how much loneliness and pain he must have felt sitting in a very similar waiting room like that every day for many many months. these people i looked at today had that same weariness in their faces. and it made me miss him.
i am reminded how blessed i am to only have to do this just one time when these people have to do it every day.
when they figured out that i was a patient too and was there for the same reason they were, i did get to make friends with some people over some hot chocolate and we exchanged stories about going bald. which made all of us laugh.
then i went in to see my new doctor (this makes #6 if you are keeping count haha)...she's great and i love her.
however, she determined that:
1. i am so hypothyroid i'm now off the chart and beyond the "high" number range haha (if you are a medical person you will understand this lol)
2. i now will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow (SURPRISE!) to get my radiation and have to stay in the hospital for 1-2 days in complete seclusion. i will be in a "wrapped" room (..."kind of like bubble boy" is how my doctor explained it) where literally everything is wrapped in plastic...stuff. they have to detox it when i leave ... strange.
since i will be a little human chernobyl for a day or two, i will have NO human contact (no nurses, no visitors, nada)....except for about 10 min. total or so where my doctor (who will be dressed in a special suit of some sort) will come in and scan my radioactivity level. ( i guess they slide my food through a little door maybe? haha...i will let you know how this works).
i can bring the clothes i have on, some books, toothbrush/etc. and my ipod (i had to beg for that).
thats it.
no cell phone, no computer. they are letting me use the hospital phone and the hospital tv. and apparently those are plastic coated as well.
then when i am let out, for the next 5-7 days i will be staying at mom and dad's house so i can have my own bathroom, dishes, etc. (which sadly destroys me and lindsey's original plan of having me walk the perimeter of the new house while i'm radioactive to kill off all the giant bugs...dang it.)
i have brought every art supply i own over to the house and i will have a week to paint, glue, scrapbook, scribble, organize and create in general.
i'm excited.
i even packed my painting pants. i know i'm weird.
RULES AND REGULATIONS:
*i CAN have visitors, but if you are going to be near me for more than a few minutes then you have to be about 4 or 5 feet away.
*i'm really supposed to mainly try and avoid pregnant people, children and/or midgets, and animals.
and sadly, no i'm not kidding. :) so if one of those categories applies to you, i'll see you in a week or so.
*i can go out in public, but my doctor suggest that i really limit this as much as i can.
*every day i'll be less and less radioactive, so if you are super paranoid and fear for your life....visit me at the end of the week......JUST KIDDING...i think?
5-7 days after my dose, i'll get scanned and hopefully get the go ahead by around next weekend sometime to start my medicine!!!!! then i'll get scanned again in 6-12 months to make sure no cancer has come back. but they are planning on knocking this whole thing out in one strong dose which i am very grateful for. so in a few weeks hopefully i will be adjusted to my new medicine and can once again resume normal social activity, energy level, and body temperature!!!!!
so.
i plan on using my major alone time in the hospital to have some much needed "father daughter" time (as deb calls it) with my jesus. if God had your undivided attention for 1-2 days with no distractions, think about how much he could teach you! i'm kind of excited. i am ready to hear his voice.
also i am curious to see if i will glow in the dark. just a thought.
also, depending on just how secluded i am (i'm checking for cameras), i may become a little living ipod advertisement and have a little dance party in my big plastic room with my music. after all, nobody can bust up in there on me because i might ....i don't know...mutate them ...or something... haha.
**side note: the best comment i have heard so far regarding all this radioactivity comes from bill who suggested:
"well, maybe if you touch a turtle or something you'll mutate and be like the ninja turtles with cool powers and skills! "
one can only hope. :)
God is teaching me not only about trust and being flexible (aka not in control), but also about hearing his voice. i read something today that said, "often what i consider interruptions are divine distractions designed to reveal His plans for me."
although as of this morning, none of this was supposed to happen, i have faith that this unplanned solitude will bring about great things.
i'll let ya'll know how it goes. i'm charging up my ipod, packing up my books, and enjoying the sights and sounds of the night. see you on the outside people.
so i went in on monday to the doctor and got some pretty great news as a result of the trial radiation dose and scan that i had last week! last week they gave me a pill and a few days later i got strapped down like a mummy in a machine to scan me for 30-45 min ....it had little lasers to detect just how close it could get to me without actually touching me. it got REAL close. and despite the fake clouds that they had carefully painted on the ceiling, the doctor suggested that i close my eyes. good idea.
on monday they told me the cancer hasn't really spread beyond my throat and they think one strong dose of radiation should take care of what is left. YAY.
i was supposed to get a pill, have to go home for the weekend and avoid people and then be done with it.
sounded simple enough to me, and despite some changes (see below), i feel extremely blessed that cancer is not eating me up from the inside out.
i realize that this is a result of MUCH prayer on YOUR parts. God has been so so so faithful to me through all of this and I cannot begin to express how much i have seen His love and hand through each and every one of you. your prayers and wisdom and words of encouragement amaze me.
so thank you. :) i love you.
well in my consult today things got a little bit ....more ....complicated...weird...funny..?
i started out in the cancer/radiation waiting room of the hospital which on a serious note, is a very sad place. everyone is burned in different places (most radiation does this to you...mine will not) and has little to no hair. mainly the hair loss is due to radiation/chemo (and no my hair will not fall out again thank goodness). but some of this is because they are all over 60 years old and have no hair anyway.
it reminded me a lot of my grandfather (who lost the battle to his thyroid cancer on Good Friday of this year, just a few days after I had my own thyroid tumor taken out). and how much loneliness and pain he must have felt sitting in a very similar waiting room like that every day for many many months. these people i looked at today had that same weariness in their faces. and it made me miss him.
i am reminded how blessed i am to only have to do this just one time when these people have to do it every day.
when they figured out that i was a patient too and was there for the same reason they were, i did get to make friends with some people over some hot chocolate and we exchanged stories about going bald. which made all of us laugh.
then i went in to see my new doctor (this makes #6 if you are keeping count haha)...she's great and i love her.
however, she determined that:
1. i am so hypothyroid i'm now off the chart and beyond the "high" number range haha (if you are a medical person you will understand this lol)
2. i now will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow (SURPRISE!) to get my radiation and have to stay in the hospital for 1-2 days in complete seclusion. i will be in a "wrapped" room (..."kind of like bubble boy" is how my doctor explained it) where literally everything is wrapped in plastic...stuff. they have to detox it when i leave ... strange.
since i will be a little human chernobyl for a day or two, i will have NO human contact (no nurses, no visitors, nada)....except for about 10 min. total or so where my doctor (who will be dressed in a special suit of some sort) will come in and scan my radioactivity level. ( i guess they slide my food through a little door maybe? haha...i will let you know how this works).
i can bring the clothes i have on, some books, toothbrush/etc. and my ipod (i had to beg for that).
thats it.
no cell phone, no computer. they are letting me use the hospital phone and the hospital tv. and apparently those are plastic coated as well.
then when i am let out, for the next 5-7 days i will be staying at mom and dad's house so i can have my own bathroom, dishes, etc. (which sadly destroys me and lindsey's original plan of having me walk the perimeter of the new house while i'm radioactive to kill off all the giant bugs...dang it.)
i have brought every art supply i own over to the house and i will have a week to paint, glue, scrapbook, scribble, organize and create in general.
i'm excited.
i even packed my painting pants. i know i'm weird.
RULES AND REGULATIONS:
*i CAN have visitors, but if you are going to be near me for more than a few minutes then you have to be about 4 or 5 feet away.
*i'm really supposed to mainly try and avoid pregnant people, children and/or midgets, and animals.
and sadly, no i'm not kidding. :) so if one of those categories applies to you, i'll see you in a week or so.
*i can go out in public, but my doctor suggest that i really limit this as much as i can.
*every day i'll be less and less radioactive, so if you are super paranoid and fear for your life....visit me at the end of the week......JUST KIDDING...i think?
5-7 days after my dose, i'll get scanned and hopefully get the go ahead by around next weekend sometime to start my medicine!!!!! then i'll get scanned again in 6-12 months to make sure no cancer has come back. but they are planning on knocking this whole thing out in one strong dose which i am very grateful for. so in a few weeks hopefully i will be adjusted to my new medicine and can once again resume normal social activity, energy level, and body temperature!!!!!
so.
i plan on using my major alone time in the hospital to have some much needed "father daughter" time (as deb calls it) with my jesus. if God had your undivided attention for 1-2 days with no distractions, think about how much he could teach you! i'm kind of excited. i am ready to hear his voice.
also i am curious to see if i will glow in the dark. just a thought.
also, depending on just how secluded i am (i'm checking for cameras), i may become a little living ipod advertisement and have a little dance party in my big plastic room with my music. after all, nobody can bust up in there on me because i might ....i don't know...mutate them ...or something... haha.
**side note: the best comment i have heard so far regarding all this radioactivity comes from bill who suggested:
"well, maybe if you touch a turtle or something you'll mutate and be like the ninja turtles with cool powers and skills! "
one can only hope. :)
God is teaching me not only about trust and being flexible (aka not in control), but also about hearing his voice. i read something today that said, "often what i consider interruptions are divine distractions designed to reveal His plans for me."
although as of this morning, none of this was supposed to happen, i have faith that this unplanned solitude will bring about great things.
i'll let ya'll know how it goes. i'm charging up my ipod, packing up my books, and enjoying the sights and sounds of the night. see you on the outside people.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
actually hoping to be sick tomorrow :)
so i'm going to be tested tomorrow at the cancer doctor to see if they can start radiation next week.
i have to be really hypothyroid (for all you non-medical types like myself, really hypothyroid= really sick) for the radiation to work properly. and i've been feelin ...funny ("funny" as in...not the greatest) recently so hopefully that is a good sign haha!
so cross your fingers that i am sick enough to start getting better.
i have to be really hypothyroid (for all you non-medical types like myself, really hypothyroid= really sick) for the radiation to work properly. and i've been feelin ...funny ("funny" as in...not the greatest) recently so hopefully that is a good sign haha!
so cross your fingers that i am sick enough to start getting better.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
my hair vs. the mullet
continuing to grow out my hair through some awkward stages without it turning into a mullet is a challenge on a daily basis....haha. it is more difficult than you would think.
now... this is not to say that i haven't seen some quality 80's-esque mullets walking around during my time in south carolina. because i have, believe me. :) but i just don't think i can quite pull it off. call me crazy.
however, much celebration was had by all (okay just me)
when i recently discovered :
1. i can now hold my hair back with some clips and it is finally long enough to stay. (this resulted in me forcing lindsey to look at my head while i jumped up and down in excitement in front of the bathroom mirror).
2. AND a good bit of my hair is long enough to tuck behind my ears.
these are two tiny things most people (okay maybe just girls) take for granted. or at least you take for granted until all your hair falls out.
it has hit me that i pretty much look like a normal person again.
for so long it was really physically obvious that something was wrong with me (first the baldness/short hair, then the huge napkin looking bandage around my neck)...both of which resulted in a lot of questions from people. my hair is still short, but a normal person short. and i still have a red scar on my neck that people notice a good bit, but it is slowly getting a lot better.
all these things seem pretty insignificant, but people automatically associate how you look with how you feel. so i guess to be perfectly honest...
recently it has been easier to pretend that i am and i feel....
normal.
even though i'm not really "normal" and i don't feel "normal", its easier to keep up appearances.
i wonder sometimes...
does that mean i'm acting fake? being private? in denial?
or just ...blending in?
i don't know.
do you?
some words from the truth:
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment... Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful."1 Peter 3:3-5
along with pedro the lion's commentary on the lies that the world tells us:
"put on whatever makes you attractive
if it's not you
then do it for the sake of fashion
your friends like a certain you
that's who you've got to be...
wisdom from a beauty queen
her tiara diggin deep in her head
i'm starting to think that i'm kind of shy
or at least i'd like to be...
so take it all off with lasers
so it never comes back
then we can pretend it's natural"
very interesting.
now... this is not to say that i haven't seen some quality 80's-esque mullets walking around during my time in south carolina. because i have, believe me. :) but i just don't think i can quite pull it off. call me crazy.
however, much celebration was had by all (okay just me)
when i recently discovered :
1. i can now hold my hair back with some clips and it is finally long enough to stay. (this resulted in me forcing lindsey to look at my head while i jumped up and down in excitement in front of the bathroom mirror).
2. AND a good bit of my hair is long enough to tuck behind my ears.
these are two tiny things most people (okay maybe just girls) take for granted. or at least you take for granted until all your hair falls out.
it has hit me that i pretty much look like a normal person again.
for so long it was really physically obvious that something was wrong with me (first the baldness/short hair, then the huge napkin looking bandage around my neck)...both of which resulted in a lot of questions from people. my hair is still short, but a normal person short. and i still have a red scar on my neck that people notice a good bit, but it is slowly getting a lot better.
all these things seem pretty insignificant, but people automatically associate how you look with how you feel. so i guess to be perfectly honest...
recently it has been easier to pretend that i am and i feel....
normal.
even though i'm not really "normal" and i don't feel "normal", its easier to keep up appearances.
i wonder sometimes...
does that mean i'm acting fake? being private? in denial?
or just ...blending in?
i don't know.
do you?
some words from the truth:
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment... Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful."1 Peter 3:3-5
along with pedro the lion's commentary on the lies that the world tells us:
"put on whatever makes you attractive
if it's not you
then do it for the sake of fashion
your friends like a certain you
that's who you've got to be...
wisdom from a beauty queen
her tiara diggin deep in her head
i'm starting to think that i'm kind of shy
or at least i'd like to be...
so take it all off with lasers
so it never comes back
then we can pretend it's natural"
very interesting.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
balancing act
there is something that i need to say....particularly after talking with other people who have/had cancer.
dealing with cancer is a delicate balancing act. a balance between supporting the person with cancer while they are sick, and treating them like a normal human being.
some days we don't feel good. and sometimes we need to talk about our cancer because it makes crazy/awful/wonderful things happen. we need you to be okay with talking about it . and joking about it. its ridiculously funny a lot of the time actually!!! :)
but we also are humans who like and love other things. and a lot of days we feel good and we want to do and talk about these other things. i am not the "cancer girl." i am aly, who happens to have cancer at the moment. yes this is important but it is not all that i am.
i know its hard.
sometimes i think it is harder for people who know someone with cancer to deal with it than the people who have cancer themselves.
sometimes i don't.
some people pity you, which is frustrating. people with cancer need your prayers and support/help, but not pity.
some people randomly show up out of the blue and are the most amazing and encouraging and loving people you have ever met. these people are sent to me (and others) from God. sometimes i wonder if they are secretly angels. i happen to be blessed with a large number of these people. strangers. friends. strangers who become friends. some of you who are reading this are these people..... or have been. thank you...i love you!
some people you think would come through with support for you don't at all and this is very disappointing and/or sad. but i am learning sometimes they don't know how to deal with it. so they ignore it. and that's okay.
some people you meet (that already hear you have cancer before you meet them in person) ...you can look at in the eyes and you know they are afraid to be your friend because they think you might die.
its not that they don't want to know you. its that they are afraid to because they don't want to be hurt.
its a balance.
we are balancing too. we balance hoping to be okay one day and believing that we will be... and make plans for days down the road when we are 100% better.
but we also balance the possibility of not being okay and wondering what will happen if we aren't....and make plans for that too. but my plans don't really matter all that much really.
yes, i have cancer and i could be dying right now....i don't know.
but you (probably) don't have cancer and you could die tomorrow. you don't know either.
you have to trust God...trust that it will be okay no matter what happens. Yes, I have faith that he can heal me completely if that is in his plan. He also provides me with peace to handle what may happen if he doesn't.
His plans are beyond what we can imagine and he does works for the good of those who love him.......and this makes me so happy i could explode right here in my new room. :) and it gets me through the days.
In Christ alone my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song. This Cornerstone, this solid ground, Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace, When fears are stilled, when strivings cease. My Comforter, my All in All, Here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone, who took on flesh, Fullness of God in helpless babe. This gift of love and righteousness, Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied, For every sin on Him was laid, Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay, Light of the world by darkness slain. Then bursting forth in glorious Day, Up from the grave He rose again.
And as He stands in victory, Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me. For I am His and He is mine. Brought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me. From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand. 'Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
dealing with cancer is a delicate balancing act. a balance between supporting the person with cancer while they are sick, and treating them like a normal human being.
some days we don't feel good. and sometimes we need to talk about our cancer because it makes crazy/awful/wonderful things happen. we need you to be okay with talking about it . and joking about it. its ridiculously funny a lot of the time actually!!! :)
but we also are humans who like and love other things. and a lot of days we feel good and we want to do and talk about these other things. i am not the "cancer girl." i am aly, who happens to have cancer at the moment. yes this is important but it is not all that i am.
i know its hard.
sometimes i think it is harder for people who know someone with cancer to deal with it than the people who have cancer themselves.
sometimes i don't.
some people pity you, which is frustrating. people with cancer need your prayers and support/help, but not pity.
some people randomly show up out of the blue and are the most amazing and encouraging and loving people you have ever met. these people are sent to me (and others) from God. sometimes i wonder if they are secretly angels. i happen to be blessed with a large number of these people. strangers. friends. strangers who become friends. some of you who are reading this are these people..... or have been. thank you...i love you!
some people you think would come through with support for you don't at all and this is very disappointing and/or sad. but i am learning sometimes they don't know how to deal with it. so they ignore it. and that's okay.
some people you meet (that already hear you have cancer before you meet them in person) ...you can look at in the eyes and you know they are afraid to be your friend because they think you might die.
its not that they don't want to know you. its that they are afraid to because they don't want to be hurt.
its a balance.
we are balancing too. we balance hoping to be okay one day and believing that we will be... and make plans for days down the road when we are 100% better.
but we also balance the possibility of not being okay and wondering what will happen if we aren't....and make plans for that too. but my plans don't really matter all that much really.
yes, i have cancer and i could be dying right now....i don't know.
but you (probably) don't have cancer and you could die tomorrow. you don't know either.
you have to trust God...trust that it will be okay no matter what happens. Yes, I have faith that he can heal me completely if that is in his plan. He also provides me with peace to handle what may happen if he doesn't.
His plans are beyond what we can imagine and he does works for the good of those who love him.......and this makes me so happy i could explode right here in my new room. :) and it gets me through the days.
In Christ alone my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song. This Cornerstone, this solid ground, Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace, When fears are stilled, when strivings cease. My Comforter, my All in All, Here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone, who took on flesh, Fullness of God in helpless babe. This gift of love and righteousness, Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied, For every sin on Him was laid, Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay, Light of the world by darkness slain. Then bursting forth in glorious Day, Up from the grave He rose again.
And as He stands in victory, Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me. For I am His and He is mine. Brought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me. From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand. 'Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
to limp or not to limp?....otherwise known as my problem with being "handicapped"
i realized something funny today when i was downtown.
sometimes when i am really late and rushing, i run and/or walk really fast to my car through a parking lot or up and down stairs in a parking garage.
this would not be weird except for the fact that i have a handicap sticker [which i feel guilty occasionally for having....but then i remind myself that really its for the days when i don't feel good...and because there has got to be some perk to having a disease and/or diseases...lol] and sometimes people look at me.... questionably.
i might need to develop a limp or something. because it takes way too long to explain to people. :)
sometimes when i am really late and rushing, i run and/or walk really fast to my car through a parking lot or up and down stairs in a parking garage.
this would not be weird except for the fact that i have a handicap sticker [which i feel guilty occasionally for having....but then i remind myself that really its for the days when i don't feel good...and because there has got to be some perk to having a disease and/or diseases...lol] and sometimes people look at me.... questionably.
i might need to develop a limp or something. because it takes way too long to explain to people. :)
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
beautiful people and life changing days
as i am the only patient that i have ever seen in my cancer doctor office that is under middle age (with the majority of patients ranging from 60 yrs old- 160 yrs old).... i stand out. people stare. this used to freak me out, then it made me laugh, now its great because everyone talks to you because they wonder what the heck you are doing there! either that or that ask you if you are there to pick up your grandma.
but in the waiting room the other day...God taught me amazing things. life changing things.
i talked with a woman in her 40s/50s who was on her third round of chemo for various brain tumors. she spoke slowly due to having to have speech therapy and she has gone through several wigs because she gets bored with them :) (the one she was wearing looked so real i had no idea and i kept staring at it trying to figure out where it attached or whatever).
her first husband died of cancer a while ago. she remarried, had a child, and then was diagnosed with brain cancer. when all her hair fell out, her husband left her. she says the only thing she can talk to him about is their child. she was almost in tears as she looked in my eyes and told me that she didn't know if she wasn't beautiful enough for him anymore, or if he just couldn't handle everything she was going through. she asked me "who would ever want me after this?" i smiled and told her i knew how she felt. we talked about losing our hair and days you feel ugly and we held hands.
we talked for 7 minutes.
then they took her away for chemo and i didn't see her the rest of the visit. i hope she knows about jesus. i hope i see her again. i'm trying to find her as i am writing through what could only be described as "stalker-ish" research. her name was kim. i cried when she left. and i pray for her.
she was one of the most beautiful people i have ever met.
the rest of the 3 hour wait, i watched old couple after old couple shuffle in and out... some were broken, some were bald, some looked cheerful, some looked tired..very tired. but 99% of these people were holding each other's hands. i have never seen such love in my life.
the lady next to me told me she had been married for 60 years this year to an "honorable and loving christian man" and then told me about her 10 great grandchildren.
i want to be those people. i want you to be those people. its possible. i have seen it. great, amazing, godly love that triumphs over suffering and ugliness and disease. it puts my situation in perspective. when i get selfish and only think about myself and how this "inconveniences" me for the summer, i remember these people.
but in the waiting room the other day...God taught me amazing things. life changing things.
i talked with a woman in her 40s/50s who was on her third round of chemo for various brain tumors. she spoke slowly due to having to have speech therapy and she has gone through several wigs because she gets bored with them :) (the one she was wearing looked so real i had no idea and i kept staring at it trying to figure out where it attached or whatever).
her first husband died of cancer a while ago. she remarried, had a child, and then was diagnosed with brain cancer. when all her hair fell out, her husband left her. she says the only thing she can talk to him about is their child. she was almost in tears as she looked in my eyes and told me that she didn't know if she wasn't beautiful enough for him anymore, or if he just couldn't handle everything she was going through. she asked me "who would ever want me after this?" i smiled and told her i knew how she felt. we talked about losing our hair and days you feel ugly and we held hands.
we talked for 7 minutes.
then they took her away for chemo and i didn't see her the rest of the visit. i hope she knows about jesus. i hope i see her again. i'm trying to find her as i am writing through what could only be described as "stalker-ish" research. her name was kim. i cried when she left. and i pray for her.
she was one of the most beautiful people i have ever met.
the rest of the 3 hour wait, i watched old couple after old couple shuffle in and out... some were broken, some were bald, some looked cheerful, some looked tired..very tired. but 99% of these people were holding each other's hands. i have never seen such love in my life.
the lady next to me told me she had been married for 60 years this year to an "honorable and loving christian man" and then told me about her 10 great grandchildren.
i want to be those people. i want you to be those people. its possible. i have seen it. great, amazing, godly love that triumphs over suffering and ugliness and disease. it puts my situation in perspective. when i get selfish and only think about myself and how this "inconveniences" me for the summer, i remember these people.
you can't even plan tomorrow...
I had an extremely looong doctor's appointment yesterday May 16th (4 hours with only 30 min. of it actually with the doctor). And you know you've been at the doctor a long time when:
1. the nurse screams "free at last! free at last! Thank God Almighty Miss Greer is free at last!" when you leave. 2. several chemo patients come in, get treatment for an hour or 2, and leave before you ever see the doctor.
4 hour long doctor's visits make crappy days...but at least you are there long enough to make (several) friends with the old people in the waiting room...haha!! :) In reality, God blessed me with some really incredible/challenging/encouraging conversations with people...it blows me away how easily people will tell you their amazing life stories when you actually listen to them. It was made clear to me that there was purpose behind the long wait because of the people I met. I'll tell more about them later.
today (Wednesday) was supposed to mark the beginning of my radiation treatment to get rid of the rest of my thyroid cancer. But, we have been dealt another little surprise :)
-Due to the iodine levels in my blood they found this week (a result of the cat scan I had before my thyroid surgery a month ago), they now can't start the radiation therapy right now anymore. I will be put on temporary thyroid medicine for 3 weeks (until June 5th) to make me feel a little better than I do now and to kind of "hold off" the cancer in case it is growing. Then I have to stop the medicine and let my body get worse again for a month.
-I am then scheduled to get my first radiation injection July 5th, and have a scan on the 7th. During those two days I can only have VERY limited contact with any other human because I will be radioactive (they will tell us more details about this later). Yes you read that correctly. People think I am weird because this is ridiculously funny to me for some reason right now (although when the time comes, I'm sure it will be frustrating haha). I should only have to have 2-3 rounds of this. Of course, as I am finding out, all this can change at a moment's notice.
"Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers." 2 Corinthians 1: 9-11
They are telling me not to worry too much about the cancer and the doctors believe right now that the radiation (whenever I get it) will take care of any cancer that may be left floatin around inside of me. :) Right now they seem to believe it will be more of an inconvenience than a danger. So no worries. :) at least right now.
1. the nurse screams "free at last! free at last! Thank God Almighty Miss Greer is free at last!" when you leave. 2. several chemo patients come in, get treatment for an hour or 2, and leave before you ever see the doctor.
4 hour long doctor's visits make crappy days...but at least you are there long enough to make (several) friends with the old people in the waiting room...haha!! :) In reality, God blessed me with some really incredible/challenging/encouraging conversations with people...it blows me away how easily people will tell you their amazing life stories when you actually listen to them. It was made clear to me that there was purpose behind the long wait because of the people I met. I'll tell more about them later.
today (Wednesday) was supposed to mark the beginning of my radiation treatment to get rid of the rest of my thyroid cancer. But, we have been dealt another little surprise :)
-Due to the iodine levels in my blood they found this week (a result of the cat scan I had before my thyroid surgery a month ago), they now can't start the radiation therapy right now anymore. I will be put on temporary thyroid medicine for 3 weeks (until June 5th) to make me feel a little better than I do now and to kind of "hold off" the cancer in case it is growing. Then I have to stop the medicine and let my body get worse again for a month.
-I am then scheduled to get my first radiation injection July 5th, and have a scan on the 7th. During those two days I can only have VERY limited contact with any other human because I will be radioactive (they will tell us more details about this later). Yes you read that correctly. People think I am weird because this is ridiculously funny to me for some reason right now (although when the time comes, I'm sure it will be frustrating haha). I should only have to have 2-3 rounds of this. Of course, as I am finding out, all this can change at a moment's notice.
"Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers." 2 Corinthians 1: 9-11
They are telling me not to worry too much about the cancer and the doctors believe right now that the radiation (whenever I get it) will take care of any cancer that may be left floatin around inside of me. :) Right now they seem to believe it will be more of an inconvenience than a danger. So no worries. :) at least right now.
My first BLOG entry ever!!!!!!!!
My first blog entry! I just graduated from Clemson and some crazy things are going on so this is the best way to communicate with everyone!!!!
If you read this and have no clue what has been going on in my life this year, here is a superfast brief update on this year. This is not a complaint list, because so many good and amazing blessings have been shown to me by going through these experiences. They are hard, but I would not take them back or change them in any way. God has used them to change me and his will has been very apparent in all of this.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold...- may be proved geniune and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." -1 Peter 1:6-7
If you have questions, please feel free to ask me about any of this:
-This fall, I got really sick, went into the hospital for a while, and had every test run on me known to man. At first they were worried it was leukemia (ITS NOT) so they did a bone marrow extraction which was funny b/c I woke up in the middle and gave the doctors some entertainment by telling them "This really sucks." and went back to sleep. I have no memory of that which is probably good.
Eventually I was diagnosed with an immune disease called systemic lupus. Lupus has flares and remissions (periods of sickness and health). Lupus wise, after a few months I was doing okay. I have a mild case that can be controlled by medicine and I just have to really avoid catching a cold/virus, etc and my blood is real screwed up. Mainly it makes me easily tired, cold, have to eat super healthy, and excercise to the extent I can handle. But I will have it forever.
-The end of last fall my hair started falling out (due to being so sick in the hospital, not at all related to the Lupus or the cancer I got diagnosed with later) It all fell out ...in patches... until it was pretty much all gone by about the middle/end of January.
Here is the best "before and after" shot of the hair loss i could put together (or was not too mortified to post haha):
If you read this and have no clue what has been going on in my life this year, here is a superfast brief update on this year. This is not a complaint list, because so many good and amazing blessings have been shown to me by going through these experiences. They are hard, but I would not take them back or change them in any way. God has used them to change me and his will has been very apparent in all of this.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold...- may be proved geniune and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." -1 Peter 1:6-7
If you have questions, please feel free to ask me about any of this:
-This fall, I got really sick, went into the hospital for a while, and had every test run on me known to man. At first they were worried it was leukemia (ITS NOT) so they did a bone marrow extraction which was funny b/c I woke up in the middle and gave the doctors some entertainment by telling them "This really sucks." and went back to sleep. I have no memory of that which is probably good.
Eventually I was diagnosed with an immune disease called systemic lupus. Lupus has flares and remissions (periods of sickness and health). Lupus wise, after a few months I was doing okay. I have a mild case that can be controlled by medicine and I just have to really avoid catching a cold/virus, etc and my blood is real screwed up. Mainly it makes me easily tired, cold, have to eat super healthy, and excercise to the extent I can handle. But I will have it forever.
-The end of last fall my hair started falling out (due to being so sick in the hospital, not at all related to the Lupus or the cancer I got diagnosed with later) It all fell out ...in patches... until it was pretty much all gone by about the middle/end of January.
Here is the best "before and after" shot of the hair loss i could put together (or was not too mortified to post haha):
It is now growing back and once again I look like a normal person! :) I was supercute with no hair. except not really though lol. (my mom asked...."are you sure you want to put THAT picture online?")
-Over spring break, a doctor found a lump in my neck. They did an ultrasound and biopsy and thought it was just a tissue growth so that Saturday I ran in the bridge run as planned with all of the awesome Clemson people. Two days later I found out I had thyroid cancer.
April 12th I had surgery which removed my thyroid and a tumor...all of which was the size of 1 1/2 golf balls! insanity! think of me when you play golf now and remember that was in my neck :) i have a scar now though which i have to bandage up on occasion with what pretty much looks like a napkin taped to my neck. but its a bandage. promise.
bill's, on the other hand, is actually a napkin.
Before my surgery the nurses joked with me and told me, "um, don't you know you are supposed to get cancer, then lose your hair? not the other way around!" i laughed. and i love disease jokes now. (i have gotten some GREAT lupus and cancer jokes!)
Then they had to let my thyroid levels go crazy before they could start my radiation. So, I finished school and came back to Charleston to live with my parents for a bit then i am moving to James Island bout the beginning of June or sooner if possible. I'm doing freelance graphics jobs for the summer and learning about patience and not wasting a second of my life.
This year, God has stripped everything away from me that I falsely put my hope in: myself, my health, the way I look, relationships, my family, my independence. He has made me okay with just him, only him, which is all we need anyway. Yet he has poured out amazing blessings on me that I could not begin to write about.
Every blessing you pour out I turn back to praise
When the darkenss closes in Lord, still I will say
Blessed be your name
Though I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name.
You give and take away.
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say,
Lord blessed be your name.
So that is a little history....now comes the recent stuff......
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