a lamp for my feet

New Blog

2011-07-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll- not even sure that anyone reads this anymore since I rarely post. I have been working on lots of other projects, the biggest of which is www.wildcottonphotography.com !

The new blog is: http://wildcottonphoto.blogspot.com/ so you can start following there.

Thanks for reading! :)

for my fellow creatives...a reminder that you have something to share.

2011-05-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

to sum up the weekend....

2011-04-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

You see the question isn't are you going to suffer any more

But what will it have meant when you are through?

The question isn't are you going to die, you're going to die
But will you be done living when you do? -Justin McRoberts

"To love one's neighbor, therefore, means essentially to will to exist equally for every human being without exception. If then you meet the king, gladly and respectfully give him his due. You should see in him his inner glory, the equality of glory, the neighbor that his human magnificence only conceals. If you meet a beggar - perhaps suffering in sorrow over him more than he himself -you should nevertheless also see in him his inner glory, the equality of glory, the neighbor which his wretched outer garments conceal. Yes then, you shall see, wherever you turn your eye, your neighbor. In being king, beggar, scholar, rich man, poor man, friend, enemy, we do not resemble each other - in these ways we are all different. But in being a neighbor we are all unconditionally alike..."

"[and on how to love your neighbors]...to help another human being to love God is to love another person.

-Soren Kierkegaard

come on, spring!

2011-03-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

meet buster

2011-03-23T14:58:00.000-07:00

buster has many talents....

- eating dust, dirt, sticks, dirt, rocks, leaves, more dirt (notice the dirt on his mouth in the photo?), and anything that is on the ground and fits in his mouth (which causes problems sometimes).

- snoring so loud that we have to beat on the wall in the middle of the night to wake him up so he stops. (and is snoring on the floor as i right this)

- unrolling the toilet paper in the bathroom (he thinks that is his job while i am in the shower).

and we love him. :)

irish oatmeal bread

2010-11-19T16:18:00.000-08:00

A ton of work, but worth it.

I started this without actually reading the recipe the entire way through (big mistake), because turns out it takes like 3 hours to make. (i started this around 5:45pm, hoping to have it with dinner...woops).

But....all that aside, irish oatmeal bread, you were amazing. And worth Hunter questioning my baking abilities ("what are you doing to the bread in there?!!! its taking forever!")

so one time, we hiked 10 miles....

2010-10-24T13:30:00.000-07:00

so. my husband is an expert hiker.

i slow us down, partly because i have terrible balance and am trying not to fall, partly because i make him stop every .5 seconds so i can take a picture.

halfway through, we saw this.

and i looked like this. (tired.)

but all in all, a beautiful way to spend a saturday. :)

.best friend.

2010-10-19T16:07:00.000-07:00

finally married.

i love this picture. reminds me that i have someone to help me along on the journey.

can't wait to see what adventures are ahead!

21 days.....

2010-09-04T11:55:00.000-07:00

we're getting maaaaaarried! 3 weeks to go exactly!

there's no crying in home depot

2010-07-19T17:34:00.000-07:00

(or baseball... for those that have seen league of their own)

except that i have cried more in hardware stores in the past month than anywhere else. home depot is probably the worst place to cry. for several reasons:

-home depot is full of men (including my man)
-men are either terrified, annoyed, or awkwardly silent around crying women
-the paint fumes, plastics and chemicals kind of make you dizzy when you are sobbing. just for future reference.

so.

i'm not sure if it is the stress of wedding planning/moving/summer camp/bridesmaid-ing/house remodeling/and working, or what, but i gotta pull it together. my poor sweet future husband has been dealing with an emotional wreck lately. (sorry hunter)

proverbs 31 is a good reminder that i am supposed to bring my (future) husband good (vs. 12). the hebrew word "good" translates to an adjective as "pleasant." (and by pleasant, i don't think they mean uncontrollable sobbing for an imagined reason in the paint section).

vs. 21 says that she has "no fear." dang it. which means she is not afraid of picking the wrong vanity countertop because she is secretly afraid her (future) husband will think she made a bad decision. (round 1: tears. round 2: better communication, group consensus, and success!)

vs. 26 says "she opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." which means not telling your (future) husband that you think the blue paint color he picked out is not cute. (sadly, ponies and butterflies and gumdrops don't always come out of my mouth the first time around. the second time, though, nicer things do tend to come out.)

sigh.

life lessons being learned on aisle 11.
right in the middle of graphite powder (for locks) and joint compound (for drywall).

Jesus, help me. I surely can't help myself.

old fashioned blueberry cake

2010-06-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

made this the other week....soooooooooooo good- and surprisingly healthy! sort of tastes like a blueberry gingerbread muffin or something. mmmmmm...

http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/oldfashioned-blueberry-cake-recipe.html

photo courtesy of 101cookbooks.com

facelift

2010-06-01T09:51:00.001-07:00

it was time.

the black and white blog was starting to depress me a little bit. :)

with Your likeness let me wake

2010-05-30T19:54:00.000-07:00

they played this at church this morning and i once more was reminded how often my heart is not like the heart of Christ.

Jesus, may my prayer be continually be, "with Your likeness let me wake."

Jesus, draw me ever nearer
As I labor through the storm
You have called me to this passage
and I'll follow, though I'm worn

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest
Keep my spirit staid and sure;
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love you even more.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing
With your likeness let me wake.

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go-
And at the end of this long passage
Let me leave them at Your throne.

thank you Lord for the promise of a new day.

wisdom from proverbs

2010-05-11T05:09:00.001-07:00

God has spoken this to me in several different places over the past month. i figured i should pay attention, so i am passing it along:

"By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures." proverbs 24:3-4

very applicable to me right now as we are looking for a house, and trying to cling to simplicity in the process of registering for things to put in the future house.

i pray that knowledge, understanding and wisdom will fill our house more than waffle makers and gravy boats.

spiritual safety

2010-03-28T19:46:00.000-07:00

"Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name - the name you gave me- so that they may be one as we are one. While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by the name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled....My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one...."John 17:11-12, 15

Jesus isn't praying for the disciples' lives to be safe and comfortable (he goes on in the passage to talk about how the world will hate them). interesting...given that is the type of safety i generally pray for...physical safety. the Lord has blessed me with a future husband to walk with that frequently reminds me our life is not guaranteed to be safe and secure. Jesus is praying for spiritual safety. when he mentions that someone was "lost" (Judas), Jesus is talking about losing faith.

In Luke 22, he prays the same for Peter: "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail."

so i pray not only for our physical safety, but that our faith may be safe and secure in Christ this week as we ponder the death and resurrection of Jesus.

9.25.10

2010-03-21T15:42:00.000-07:00

i get to marry this guy.

i am pretty excited. :)

there is no "plan b"

2010-02-09T10:02:00.001-08:00

so at church last week, lloyd preached on the passage in genesis about the fall of adam and eve and what that meant for humanity. this was interesting to me because i had just read something earlier that day in john piper's book, "spectacular sins" about the exact same thing. so i figured i might should pay attention.

"Consider 2 Timothy 1:9, 'God saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began.' Saving grace was given to us before the ages began. That is, it was given to us before there was any human sin to save us from. Therefore, grace was planned before human sin was there to need it. This means that God's plan to save us through grace was not a response to human decisions to sin. Saving grace was the plan that made sin necessary. God did not find sin in the world and then make a plan to remedy it. He had the plan before the ages, and that plan was for the glory of sin-conquering grace through the death of Jesus Christ....Therefore, the biblical view is that the sufferings and death of Christ for sin are not planned after the actual sin of Adam but before. Therefore, when the sin of Adam happens, God is not surprised by it, but has already made it part of his plan- namely, a plan to display his amazing patience and grace and justice and wrath in the history of the redemption, and then, climactically, to reveal the greatness of his Son as the second Adam superior in every way to the first Adam." - piper

or, as lloyd put it, God didn't have a "plan b." this was the plan. God was not surprised when Adam and Eve sinned, he planned it as part of his redemptive story. a redeemed creation is more beautiful than a creation that never fell. Jesus' glory is greater because he has and will redeem all sin and suffering. he is the whole point anyways.

doesn't this blow your mind? its beautiful and powerful and comforting all at the same time. i am still pondering all these things, but it is life changing stuff.

january

2010-01-08T10:09:00.001-08:00

"I think its crazy the way things work this time of year
Politicians screaming promises, making sure we all can hear
As for the weather, wouldn't mind to see the sun all wrapped blue
These settings in my mind, and the cold winter breeze, keeps me from our everyday rendezvous

Forgive me I was born in June, that's probably my worst excuse.
I've got to say it, its neccessary...I blame my problems on January.

Hibernation is calling me to sleep, until a brighter day comes my way
Even birds have left the winter for a warmer destination- the place that i call home
Seasons will be seasons but i've got some good reasons for this month to go on away
Put away my sweaters and my jackets, trade them in for little packets of sunshine and longer days.

Forgive me I was born in June, that's probably my worst excuse.
I've got to say it, its necessary...I blame my problems on January.

I will whine, i'll complain, but the state of affairs is still the same.
At least i've got something to blame, i've got something to blame.

I'll blame it on January, i'll blame it on January."

-Micah Dalton

as a fellow june-baby, i agree with him on this one. january always seems to put me in a funk for some reason. perhaps its because spring feels so far away.....

blessings

2009-12-23T09:30:00.000-08:00

"Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land...When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery....You may say to yourself, 'My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.' But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today." -Deuteronomy 8:6-7, 10-14, 17-18

As we all are probably staring at piles of presents under our trees (and taking in the fact that we are all 'rich' compared to most of the world)...I pray that we don't forget that the Lord is the source of all blessings: spiritual, relational...and even physical/material blessings (aka 'presents').

I hope not to forget that he "has brought you out of...the land of slavery" (vs. 14) by sending his Son to rescue us from the bondage of sin...and I pray that my focus this Christmas will be on the greatest blessing of all: Jesus.

a thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices!

for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

and i've only been home 3 days...

2009-12-21T17:55:00.001-08:00

3 personal favorites thus far:

me: "does it make your heart go pitter patter?"
mama: "it makes her heart go whap whap whap!"

chan: "aw, look his frow is all burrowed!"
me: "um...you mean his brow is furrowed?"
chan: "oh...yes..that."

mama: "it is a champion goat! she has a champion goat!"
daddy: "so does that make her a farmerette...a farmeress...what is a female farmer?"
mama: "a farmer."

the grace of giving

2009-12-08T14:02:00.000-08:00

"Remember this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." -2 Corinthians 9:6-8

the phrase "good work" comes from the greek word "ergon," meaning a good deed, or to do something. this same greek word is used when mary annoints Jesus in mark 14:6. Jesus remarks that she has "done a beautiful thing to me," after one of the disciples questions her extravagant giving. mary was worshiping through giving an amazing gift to Jesus.

"good works" does not mean busyness. it means worship.

i pray that the Lord gives me (and you) the grace of giving this christmas.

go listen to it

2009-10-15T13:40:00.000-07:00

It always starts like this,
A harmless and simple thing to fix.
Contagious and spreading quick…Like cracks in ice,
Wholly claiming our lives while we sleep.

We’ll pray for Heaven’s floor to break,
Pour the brightest white on blackest space,
Come bleeding gloriously through
The clouds and the blue.

Forcing one place from two,
Killing formulaic views,
Only love proves to be the truth.

When heaven meets the earth,
We will have no use for numbers
To measure who are and what we’re worth.

When Heaven meets the earth,
We will have no need for mirrors
To tell us who to be and where we fit into this awkward point of view.

When angels meet the earth, may our bodies be light.
When angels meet the earth, may our heavy hearts untie.
When angels meet the earth, may our bodies be light.
May our bodies be light for you.

- Heaven Breaks, Sleeping at Last

i will.

2009-10-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws."
Ezekiel 36: 25-27

i love that God promises to be the one to clean our hearts out of all the junk we put in them. coming from someone who is more than a little OCD about cleaning, its nice to be reminded that someone else is doing the complete and perfect work that i could never do. just when we feel helpless and frustrated to do what the Father has called us to, he reminds us that HE gives us the Spirit that enables us to obey.

the phrase "I will put/I will give" that is repeated over and over again in this passage correlates to the hebrew word "nathan," meaning to give, to put or to set in place. it is the same word used in Genesis 1 when it talks about God setting the sun, moon and stars in the heaven.

so the Father uses the same power to place His spirit in us that he used to create the universe.

that is amazing to me. really, really amazing.

"Therefore say to the house of Israel, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am going to do these things, but for the sake of my holy name." Ezekiel 36:22

2009-09-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

don't know how to just put a song without a video in here...so this will have to do. listen and have a joyful day!

"put sufjan stevens on
and we'll play your favorite song
'Chicago' bursts to life and your
sweet smile remembers..."
-snow patrol, hands open

fear not

2009-08-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

"It's fear that makes us do those slightly crazy, often inappropriate things. Fear that blurts out thoughtless, sometimes hurtful words. Because fear babbles. It freaks out. It searches frantically for explanations and solutions. It races around trying to fix things or, at the very least, figure things out....
For you see, difficulties can't separate us from God - only fear can. And fear in its purest form is really unbelief, the false conviction that 'God can't, God won't...so I must.' Faith on the other hand, chooses to believe that 'God can, God wants to, and God will...so I choose to trust Him with my life.' Can fear and faith coexist in the same person? Of course they can...and they do. As long as we live on earth, flesh-fed fear retains an influence. But the more we persist in faith, obeying God and opening our hearts to His love, the weaker fear becomes....
On those difficult, overwhelming days when I'm struggling with fear- when the waves of my failure obliterate my awareness of God's perfect love - I make a conscious choice to both repent and then believe I am forgiven in spite of what I feel. And not just forgiven, but cherished. Beloved. Protected. Held close with a love that far surpasses anything we could ever experience here on earth. "
-Joanna Weaver

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us." 1 John 4:16

messengers of grace

2009-07-20T11:27:00.001-07:00

"troubles in life are often messengers of grace." -lloyd shadrach

"I call out to you Lord, every day; I spread out my hands to you. Do you show your wonders to the dead? Do those who are dead rise up and praise you? Is your love declared in the grave, your faithfulness in destruction? Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion? But I cry to you for help, O Lord, in the morning my prayer comes before you." Psalm 88

praise God that the answer to all those questions is a resounding 'Yes.' like mary and martha facing lazarus's death, my heart has asked God several times this month...Lord, where were you when that happened? and He responds the same: "I am the ressurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" (John 11:25-26).

the past few weeks have been full of very hard and heavy things for a lot of people i know. pray that God's grace can find its way through the cloud of troubles to heal their hearts... and mine.

"As for me, I have set my King."

2009-06-30T12:03:00.000-07:00

we are going through psalms right now at church and sunday we explored the issue of kingship and how we often rebelliously seek what we think is 'freedom' from Jesus being king over us.

"But when they said, 'Give us a king to lead us,' this was displeasing to Samuel, so he prayed to the Lord. And the Lord told him: 'Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king...'
But the people refused to listen to Samuel. 'No!' they said. 'We want a king over us. Then we will be like all the other nations, with a king to lead us and to go out before us and fight our battles." 1 Samuel 8:6-7, 19-20

i love imagining what scenes like this look like. samuel's pride is wounded when the israelites tell him they want a king instead of a judge. the hebrew word for 'displeased' is ra'a', which can mean to injure, to be evil to, or to shatter/break. 'displease' just makes it sound like samuel is a little irritated, when in reality he is crushed and probably angry. yet the Lord is quick to remind him, "this story is not about you, its about Me."

Jesus please keep us from desiring to 'be like all the other nations' and trying to replace you with something less. thank you for reminding me on sunday: "As for me, I have set my King." (Psalm 2:6)

looking for justice

2009-06-28T19:53:00.000-07:00

Oswald:
"Looking for justice is actually a sign that we have been diverted from our devotion to Him. Never look for justice in this world, but never cease to give it... "

really cool film projects focusing on the injustice of poverty in the world. gerry straub says in the film that "...the suffering is there not because of God, but the suffering is there because of us... and our unwillingness to share. Christ isn't looking for us to give our spare change, he wants us to give our very lives."

taking one day at a time

2009-06-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

bodaddy: at my age, i can't plan that far ahead! heck, i don't even buy green bananas anymore.

:) i love my family.

how the day sounds

2009-06-07T19:46:00.000-07:00

funny video, but a good song. i really, really like the idea of "how the day sounds."

mainly because i strongly believe that real life should have theme music. you know, like movies do. every day definitely has a certain 'sound' to it. all in all, greg laswell is a new favorite.

Soren Kierkegaard- won't you be my neighbor?

2009-05-30T20:05:00.000-07:00

sometimes i flip through books that i have already read to re-read the pages i have underlined, dogeared, or otherwise mutilated.

today soren was a favorite:

"To love one's neighbor, therefore, means essentially to will to exist equally for every human being without exception. If then you meet the king, gladly and respectfully give him his due. You should see in him his inner glory, the equality of glory, the neighbor that his human magnificence only conceals. If you meet a beggar - perhaps suffering in sorrow over him more than he himself -you should nevertheless also see in him his inner glory, the equality of glory, the neighbor which his wretched outer garments conceal. Yes then, you shall see, wherever you turn your eye, your neighbor. In being king, beggar, scholar, rich man, poor man, friend, enemy, we do not resemble each other - in these ways we are all different. But in being a neighbor we are all unconditionally alike..."
"[and on how to love your neighbors]...to help another human being to love God is to love another person. "

christian economic development org

2009-05-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

http://www.chalmers.org/

cool perspective on how to conduct missions...

pray...without ceasing?

2009-05-24T14:23:00.000-07:00

we are going through 1 Thessalonians at church and last night Lloyd preached on the passage of "Be joyful always; pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thes 5:16-18)

he brought up that if we want to know God's will for our lives, we have three pretty plain commands right here. but, most people will eventually figure out that these things are impossible for anyone to do....except in Christ Jesus. most people forget the dependent clause on the end of that section and instead just focus on the holy "to do" list at the beginning of the passage. The point is Jesus. He was the only person who actually did all these things and we can only even attempt them with His help.

"Our thinking about prayer, whether right or wrong, is based on our own mental conception of it. The correct concept is to think of prayer as the breath in our lungs and the blood from our hearts. Our blood flows and our breathing continues 'without ceasing'; we are not even conscious of it, but it never stops. And we are not always conscious of Jesus keeping us in perfect oneness with God, but if we are obeying Him, He always is. Prayer is not an excercise, it is the life of a saint." -O. Chambers

redeeming us from the system

2009-05-07T14:21:00.000-07:00

"But our inclination to replace the King with a thing does not die easily. It rears its ugly head even when we search for answers in Scripture. We approach the Bible with a "where can I find a verse on blank " mentality. We forget that the only hope the principles offer rests on the person, Jesus Christ. And we forget that the Bible is not an encyclopedia, but a story of God's plan to rescue hopeless and helpless humanity. It's a story about people who are rescued from their own self-sufficiency and wisdom and transported to a kingdom where Jesus is central and true hope is alive.
We cannot treat the Bible as a collection of therapeutic insights. To do so distorts the message and will not lead to lasting change. If a system could give us what we need, Jesus never would have come. But he came because what was wrong with us could not be fixed any other way. He is the only answer, so we must never offer a message that is less than the good news. We don't offer people a system; we point them to a Redeemer."

- Paul David Tripp, Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands

Great great book. Looks like a counseling book at first (and is in a lot of ways), but turns out its extremely helpful if you have any sort of relationship with any other human being. Meaning... its pretty applicable for everyone.

"...drop us off on 55th and keep us reading Vonnegut, point out now what we're careless of" -brendan james

2009-04-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

Practicing an art, no matter how well or how badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.

-Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country

delivered.

2009-04-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

i am officially in remission as of 12:35pm today. no more tests, no more scans, no more injections, no more radiation....ever.

i feel like i can finally breathe.

i don't think i knew that i had been holding my breath for the past few years in anticipation for the next blow, but the freedom of deliverance is a wonderful thing that i am ready to embrace.

i am so thankful for all of you and grateful that jesus has allowed me to stick around for a while longer. praise God for his grace towards me and us all!

"You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy!" Isaiah 26:19

"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave."
Psalm 86

update

2009-04-23T07:41:00.000-07:00

so yesterday i drank some radiation with a plastic straw. out of a 3 pound metal cylinder.

i should have learned by now i need to bring my camera everywhere with me. seriously.

today, had my 30ish minute scan (shorter than usual!) where they wrap you up like a mental patient and put dots on your face. i dragged katie beth along for entertainment while i was stuck in the tube and we had a good time.
well, as good of time you can have when you can't talk or move in any way.

i'll get the results late today or tomorrow so i'm still on the diet and i'll update when those come in.

on a side note, something i've noticed over the past few weeks:

faithfulness.
not only has God been extremely gracious and faithful to me since all this began, but i am reminded of people's faithfulness to each other.

the waiting room is always a sobering place filled with people who are bald from cancer, in wheelchairs, people who look miserably sick. yet, they all have children or husbands or wives to love them. if you wonder if people stay married anymore, come sit in the waiting room with a couple in their 70s where he holds her hand and tells her she is beautiful even with no hair. that is faithfulness.

i have gotten insane amounts of phone calls and text messages from friends reminding me of their love. flowers, cards, emails... all tangible expressions of how i have amazingly faithful friends. old friends who have walked with me from the beginning of this and new friends to see me to the finish.

thank you. i love ya'll.

the problem with pirates: understanding people's motivation

2009-04-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

disclaimer: definitely not condoning what they are doing, and i am certainly not wise enough to come up with a solution...but desperate people do desperate things.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/you-are-being-lied-to-abo_b_155147.html

hopefully we can seek to solve the source of the problem and not the symptoms of it.

hope

2009-04-14T18:31:00.000-07:00

i get so frustrated with myself this time of year when fear decides to take over my every thought as i go through my yearly tests. if i pass, this will be the last one. i want to be okay. i'm hoping that i will be.

but...our pastor said something at church this week that has been ringing in my head ever since:

hope isn't wishing nothing bad will happen to you.

we hope for things to turn out alright, when we should be hoping for the glory of God to be revealed in us. suffering ends up producing hope. not hope in ourselves, but hope in someone better...

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5: 1-5

something to believe

2009-04-02T15:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1711_i_will_never_believe/
jesus is so patient with those who have a hard time with belief. Belief that he is who he says he is. Belief that he loves them. Belief that he can be trusted with everything.

"Lord I do believe; Help my unbelief!" Mark 9:24

happy spring.

2009-03-21T09:49:00.000-07:00

"See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth, the season of singing has come..." Song of Solomon 2:11-12

for all the healthy eaters out there

2009-03-20T09:38:00.000-07:00

so since all my health incidents a few years ago, i have been a bit more....aware... (although my family might say obsessed) with eating healthier food.

so for those of you who don't like processed stuff and actually use quinoa, agave, wheat berries, lentils, sea vegetables, or anything else people think is 'weird,' this website is for you:

http://www.101cookbooks.com/

it is my new favorite place.

sadness.

2009-03-18T05:44:00.001-07:00

please pray for my friends.

http://www.thetippingfamily.com

'serfs' emancipation day'...?

2009-03-10T02:16:00.000-07:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7933207.stm

you can do as you please

2009-03-09T19:27:00.000-07:00

so...Jonah and I have been hanging out for a while.

a while as in.... several years. we have gotten to know each other pretty well. yet the Lord still uses this little book to teach me new things all the time.

"Then the Lord sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up. All the sailors were afraid and each cried out to his own gods....the men did their best to row back to land. But they could not, for the sea grew even wilder than before. Then they cried to the Lord, 'O Lord, please do not let us die for taking this man's life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man, for you, O Lord, have done as you pleased.' Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm. At this the men greatly feared the Lord, and they offered a sacrifice to the Lord and made vows to him." Jonah 1:4-5, 13-16

most of the time when this phrase "the Lord has done as he pleased" is used, it is dealing with getting rid of our idols. Often situations arise that seem horrible, uncomfortable, disappointing or irritating - are situations where the Lord is removing things from our life that we value more than him. And when we finally recognize him for who he is, we'll finally get the point...he is God and he can do as he pleases.

"I know the Lord is great, that our Lord is greater than all gods. The Lord does whatever pleases him, in the heavens and on the earth, in the seas and all their depths." Psalm 135:5-6

"Our God is in heaven, he does whatever pleases him. But their idols are silver and gold, made by the hands on men." Psalm 115:3-4

"To whom will you compare me or count me equal? To whom will you liken me that we may be compared? Some pour out gold from their bags and weigh out silver on the scales; they hire a goldsmith to make it into a god, and they bow down and worship it. They lift it to their shoulders and carry it; they set it up in its place, and there it stands. From that spot it cannot move. Though one cries out to it, it does not answer; it cannot save him from his troubles...Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand and I will do all that I please." Isaiah 45:5-10

anniversary

2009-02-21T19:44:00.000-08:00

it blows my mind that it has been two years this weekend.

two years of freedom for me.

and of course God in his perfect timing brought about several stories this weekend of people who weren't so lucky. people who didn't make it. sad, horrible stories of families struggling to see God in the midst of their pain.

every time i heard one of these stories i felt like a bus hit me. my breath was taken away... to be reminded once more of God's kindness and grace and gentleness toward me. i know God is sovereign, but i still wonder sometimes why his hand of mercy was upon me.

me, instead of someone else.

maybe its God's way of reminding me of salvation. that although i (we) deserve to die, he lovingly chooses to save us.

"Comfort, comfort my people, says your God

Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,

and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed,

that her sin has been paid for..."

-Isaiah 40:1-2

"In my anguish I cried to the Lord,

and he answered by setting me free."

Psalm 118:5

william fitzsimmons

2009-02-21T12:31:00.000-08:00

I should not have hid where my heart can't follow,
'cause this grace gets so far and too hard to swallow.
I've been running from Saul, he's been giving chase;
when I look in his eyes, all I see is my face.

You're still on my back after all these years,
chasing me out of hell and my nice veneers.
I don't know how you stand when you've got no floor,
or how you can breathe with your hands on boards.

I just want to be not what I am today,
I just want to be better than my friends might say,
I just want a small part in your passion's play.

Do you hear when I call in the midst of wrong?
Do you hear these here words while I sing this song?
Are you caught up in me like I heard you say,
or just some big cashier that I'll have to pay?

Just want to be not what I am today,
I just want to be better than my friends might say,
I just want a small part in your passion's play.

-Passion Play

been finding a lot of good music lately.

only in kentucky

2009-02-15T17:56:00.001-08:00

apparently these do still exist in some places. who knew?

encouraged to love

2009-02-13T14:21:00.000-08:00

in honor of "valentimes" (that is for wimbo).....what does it look like to truly love someone in an unselfish way? encouragement can certainly play a part.

the book of acts talks about a guy named joseph who was incredibly encouraging to those around him. so much so that everyone started calling him barnabus (which means son of encouragement).

so barnabus encouraged people in a couple of different ways.

-he saw needs and met them:
"All the believers were in one heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales to the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need. Joseph...whom the apostles called Barnabus, sold a field he owned and brought the money and put it at the feet of the apostles." -Acts 4:32-37

-he saw potential in someone and developed it
"But Barnabus took him [Paul] and brought him to the apostles. He told them how Saul on his journey had seen the Lord and that the Lord has spoken to him, and how in Damascus he had preached fearlessly in the name of Jesus." Acts 9:27

-he saw faith and encouraged/nurtured it
"...they sent Barnabus to Antioch. When he arrived and saw the evidence of the grace of God, he was glad and encouraged them all to remain true to the Lord with all their hearts." -Acts 11:23

whatever it looks like for you,
today i encourage you to love someone well.

song by sojourn...look them up.

2009-02-03T19:28:00.000-08:00

Falling down upon our knees,
Sharing now in common shame,
We have sought security,
Not the cross that bears Your name.
Fences guard our hearts and homes
Comfort sings a siren tune.
We're a valley of dry bones;
Lead us back to life in You.

Lord we fall upon our knees,
We have shunned the weak and poor,
Worshipped beauty, courted kings
And the things their gold affords,
Prayed for those we'd like to know --
Favor sings a siren tune.
We've become a talent show;
Lead us back to life in You.

You have caused the blind to see,
We have blinded him again
With our man-made laws and creeds,
Eager, ready to condemn.
Now we plead before Your throne --
Power sings a siren tune.
We've been throwing heavy stones;
Lead us back to life in You.

We're a valley of dry bones
Lead us back to life in You.
We've become a talent show
Lead us back to life in You.
We've been throwing heavy stones
Lead us back to life in You.

the places we live

2009-01-28T06:42:00.000-08:00

http://theplaceswelive.com/

"If we tell people about our house, will anyone believe us?" -Nagamma Shilpiri, Mumbai

incredible photographs/multimedia taken of urban slums - the world's fastest growing human habitat.

if you feel like being convicted....

2009-01-27T18:36:00.000-08:00

read these:

http://www.generousgiving.org/page.asp?sec=101&page=407

good heart-check/kick in the face for me today. with everyone losing their jobs left and right, its easy to start thinking about stuffing money under our mattress or burying it in the backyard like they did in the great depression...having a biblical perspective can be difficult. scary really. but like everything else, the Lord calls us to overcome our fear of not being "secure" and trust that he will take care of it.

augustine's rhetoric

2009-01-17T11:55:00.000-08:00

"Nevertheless, I would confess to you my shame, for your glory. Bear with me, I implore you, and give me the grace to retrace in my present memory the devious ways of my past errors and so be able to offer to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving."

"With you is perfect rest, and life unchanging. The one who enters into you enters into the joy of his Lord, and shall have no fear and shall achieve excellence in the excellent one. I fell away from you, my God, and in my youth I wandered too far from you, my true support. And I became a wasteland to myself."

-Augustine, Confessions

reading this book makes me realize how horribly lazy we are with our words. i definitely recommend it. for something written around 400 a.d it is totally relevant.

ananias

2009-01-05T16:13:00.000-08:00

Acts 9:10-11
"The Lord told him, 'Go to the house of Judas on straight street and ask for a man named Saul, for he is praying. In a vision he has seen a man named Ananias come and place his hands on him to restore his sight.'
'Lord,' Ananias answered, 'I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your saints in Jerusalem. And he has come here with authority from the chief priests to arrest all who call on your name. But the Lord said to Ananias, 'Go! This man is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer in my name.'
Then Ananias went."

such an interesting example of obedience in a seemingly illogical situation. i too might be a bit hesitant to go talk to someone who might murder me...but when i drag my feet, the Lord certainly is faithful to remind me who he is ("Go!" with an exclamation point is pretty intense when it comes from God.)

if Ananias would have talked himself out of going to talk to Saul/Paul, would the rest of the bible have looked different? would the Lord have blessed someone else with the opportunity to witness to Saul/Paul? interesting how small decisions can make big differences.

rich young ruler

2008-12-28T17:48:00.000-08:00

"poverty is so hard to see
when it’s only on your tv
and twenty miles across town
where we’re all living so good
that we moved out of Jesus’ neighborhood
where he’s hungry and not feeling so good
from going through our trash
he says, more than just your cash and coin
i want your time, i want your voice
i want the things you just can’t give me

so what must we do
here in the west we want to follow you
we speak the language and we keep all the rules
even a few we made up
come on and follow me
but sell your house, sell your suv
sell your stocks, sell your security
and give it to the poor
what is this, hey what’s the deal
i don’t sleep around and i don’t steal
i want the things you just can’t give me

because what you do to the least of these
my brother’s, you have done it to me
because i want the things you just can’t give me"

-derek webb, rich young ruler

we three... "kings"?

2008-12-14T18:11:00.001-08:00

so...after the sermon today, one of my favorite christmas songs will certainly be thought of in a different way....

in talking about the wise men (matthew 2:1-12) our pastor brought up a few interesting points...

-the wise men weren't kings. they were academicians who studied astronomy. pagans back then believed the stars could fortell the future, so anyone who could read the stars was regarded as highly intelligent and was well respected.

-we don't know if there were 3 of them. the bible never says anything about 3 people, only that they brought gold, incense, and myrhh. 3 gifts don't necessarily equal 3 people.

-the wise men did not show up when Jesus was in the manger. Vs. 11 says they came to a house. So we are unsure how old Jesus was when the wise men actually got there. (So technically....they don't really belong in the manger scene....)

- Vs. 4-6 talk about how all the priests and teachers of the law knew that the Messiah would be born in Bethlehem (which was not far from Jerusalem), yet they did not go there! The gentile/pagan wise men were more concerned with worshipping the king than the people who knew the truth.
....perhaps instead the priests and teachers stayed home and "studied the scriptures" instead of doing what they said.

convicting? definitely. interesting? always.

making a way in the desert

2008-12-08T15:07:00.000-08:00

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland"

Isaiah 43:19

it is hard to see how the Lord is providing for you in the desert when you are still stuck processing the past. just when i think God has had it 'up to here' with me...he reminds me of his present (and incomprehensible) grace.

what oswald says:

"Our present enjoyment of God’s grace tends to be lessened by the memory of yesterday’s sins and blunders. But God is the God of our yesterdays, and He allows the memory of them to turn the past into a ministry of spiritual growth for our future. God reminds us of the past to protect us from a very shallow security in the present.

Security for Tomorrow.
". . . the Lord will go before you . . . ." This is a gracious revelation— that God will send His forces out where we have failed to do so. He will keep watch so that we will not be tripped up again by the same failures, as would undoubtedly happen if He were not our "rear guard." And God’s hand reaches back to the past, settling all the claims against our conscience.

Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him."

thanksgiving quotes thus far...

2008-11-27T19:05:00.001-08:00

"you know, you kind of exhibited some signs of autism as a baby...but you still turned out okay...." -aunt nancy, referring to me.

"listen! this thing is like a mobile home!!! you have to move it SLOWLY!" -chan, referring to moving our gingerbread masterpiece

"how can you eat all this candy?" -mom, as she stuffs peanut m&m's into her mouth.

:)

crashing down in nashville

2008-11-08T20:33:00.000-08:00

somedays i wonder what the heck i am doing here.

that sounds strange....i know i need to be here right now. i know i needed to get out of charleston for a while and have a fresh start for once. nashville is an amazing city and there are a lot of amazing people here. i just haven't quite found my place yet in all of this.

i feel sort of lost.

These back steps are steeper to the ground
The brightest stars are falling down
I’m walking the edge, walking the tightest rope
We can be frank, reality rips on through, rolling like a hurricane
I’m over the bridge and under the rain
If everything’s falling, if everything’s changed
If I’m in the open, if I’m in the way

What am I doing here
If you’re not with me
What have I got to live for,
if it’s just my own dream

Take it back to the beginning, back to the start
When gravity’s pulling, you’re still holding my heart
You come crashing down
Crashing down
These four walls are closing in on me
The talk is louder than I’ll sing
I want to be there,
want to be where you are but you know it all,
Every look and smile that aren’t meant to break
I’m over the bridge and under the rain
If everything’s falling, if everything’s changed
If I’m in the open, if I’m in the way

What am I doing here
If you’re not with me
What have I got to live for, if it’s just my own dream
Take it back to the beginning, back to the start
When gravity’s pulling, you’re still holding my heart

You come crashing down
Crashing down
And you say that everything is different,
why don’t we just hold on
And you say that everything is different, why don’t we just hold on
Crashing down

-Mat Kearney

*side note: what is funny is that i am sitting in a coffee shop looking at mat kearney while i am writing this. apparently this is where the cool people hang out.

my new toy

2008-08-03T17:13:00.001-07:00

so i bought a bike this weekend....

i got it off of craigslist. it is blue and i love it. since we live so close to everything here, i am hoping to save a bit on gas and can use the bike to run errands/excercise/etc.

i am super excited and consider my first test drive with fred* a success. mainly this was because i haven't really ridden a bike since i was oh....12ish (i don't count the ones in spin class because they are mounted to the floor) and i managed not to fall or run into a tree or anything traumatic. this was good.

there were only a few minor occurances that were...challenging.
1. i swallowed more than a couple bugs. i have never been very good at breathing out of my nose, but i might need to start praticing. oh well, got some extra protein for the day.
2. nashville has hills. hills are a relatively new thing to me, (i never had to ride a bike in clemson!) considering 95% of the places i have ever lived were extremely FLAT. i am still learning the best ways to get up and down these hills without getting run over (both from going too slow or too fast).
3. riding a bike for an hour or so is a pain in the butt.
literally.
even with my nice gel seat cover thing.

however.
i still love it. and i totally am going to peer pressure my roomates into getting some so we can all go together.

*fred is potential name for the bike. i'm open for suggestions.

wally world "helping" china after the earthquake

2008-07-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

http://www.corpwatch.org/article.php?id=15039

so apparently walmart donated money to help the people of china after the earthquake.
the problem is, they donated the amount of money they make in 20 minutes.
But from that 20 minutes they got weeks of PR coverage by patting themselves on the back. Of course... they forgot to mention all the Chinese people forced to work in Walmart sweatshops so we can "save money and live better."

just something to think about.

i think i need to be more aware about what my money is supporting when i buy things.

buy a shirt, help people.

2008-07-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

http://rosaloves.com/

wisdom from mr. chambers

2008-07-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

"So often we impair God's designed influence, which He desires to exhibit through us, because of our own conscious efforts to be consistent and useful. Jesus said there is only one way to develop and grow spiritually, and that is through focusing and concentrating on God." -Oswald

...why is this so hard to actually put into practice everyday? sometimes i think we (I) overcomplicate things that are meant to be simple.

adventures of moving to nashvegas

2008-07-22T17:22:00.000-07:00

felt very grown up this week because:

1. I rented/drove a uhaul truck by myself in a new city (and didn't wreck) and moved a couch and a loveseat from one house to another...all without the help of my dad!
(granted, we did have to get the help of the cable repairman who happened to be next door, but that is totally different). :)

2. Casey and I drilled several big holes into the wall to correctly hang some rather difficult roman shades. Nobody lost any limbs and the blinds were level! Who says girls can't use power tools?

2008 To Do List (The year of adventure!)

2008-06-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

-Drive Hwy 1: check
-Hike the Redwoods: check
-Drink Coffee in Seattle: check
-Drink Beer at a Microbrewery: check (Portland)
-Move to a Random New City: check (Nashville-July 17)
-Have quality time with all my friends before I move to above mentioned city: in progress
-Random Road Trip with my sister: check
-Buy a new car, myself: check
-Volunteer at Homeless Shelter: check
-Stop having to go the bloodsucking doctor every 2 weeks: check!(i'm down to every 3 months).
-Finish Reading the 5 books beside my bed: in progress
-Finish college scrapbook: check (2 years after graduating)
-Stop eating processed food: harder than I thought.
-Write a Book: way harder than i thought.
-Backpack through Europe (okay..realistically maybe 2009 or 2010)
-Re-learn all the spanish I forgot
-Take a photography class (hopefully October at Ai Nashville)
-Hike in the Mountains of TN
-Memorizing scripture: i am sucking at this so far this year. in progress.
-Live like I really love Jesus: some days yes, some days unfortunately no. we'll say in progress.

so much to do, so little time.....

apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur.....

2008-06-15T19:28:00.000-07:00

is it bad when a baby knows the words to a rap song? ;) nope...just hilarious.

as she is wandering around the living room our 1 1/2 year old cousin peyton starts to sing her new favorite song....

peyton: "low low low low low low LOW!..."

for christmas, i'm getting her the reeboks with the strap.

so...

2008-05-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

i'm moving to nashville!

more on this later.
i found out my options, made a decision, and got roomates/a place to live all within about 48 hours. no time to think twice about things...which i like.

but as for today, i am movin to the island for the summer. so if you feel like fishing or relaxing in the vacationland known as edisto, let me know. :)

superlatives

2008-05-19T13:56:00.000-07:00

just a few brief highlights of the trip:

-Most beautiful location: tie between the Smith River NRA in Norcal and the Columbia River Gorge in Oregon. Look them up. You should go there.

-Proudest of their alcohol: Portland. These people are very serious about beer. Very serious. It was good, and a lot of people I met here were pretty intoxicated as a result of how good it was.

-Weird weather Award: San Francisco. They should take the "windy city" title away from Chicago because this place has wind gusts that will knock you off your feet. And it knocks the temperature down about 20 degrees as well.

-Healthiest food: San Fran. These people know their fruits and veggies like no other. I have never seen more tofu in my life.

-Most likely place to smell Marijuana: Anywhere in San Fran. Healthy food, unhealthy smoking habits.

-Most unusual law: The state of Oregon. You aren't allowed to pump your own gas anywhere in the state. In the good ol' state of Oregon, they have gas attendants to do it for you. We figured this out by attempting to do it ourselves and getting screamed at for a few minutes. If you are in a hurry to get gas, you are out of luck. Try another state.

-Most likely to get in trouble for throwing your water bottle in the wrong bin: Oregon. These people are serious about their recycling...most restaurants have several bins for garbage and various categories of recycling. Which is cool. And sometimes confusing.

-Most likely place for people to get high off the sun instead of their coffee: Seattle. I have never seen people more excited about a sunny day. People were going nuts. Of course, their excitement could have been exaggerated due to the fact that just about everyone is walking around with some form of caffeine in their hand 24 hours a day. And yes, there is a Starbucks on every corner.

-Black hole award: Eugene, Oregon. Although there is very little to do here, everyone we met apparently came to visit at some point and just never left. Now they work random jobs and hang out at bars and talk about what they would do if they ever did leave.

-State that is secretly populating the earth: Texas. Yep, everywhere I went I met people from Austin/San Antonio/Dallas/Denton/Houston Texas. Planes, restaurants, hostels...you people are everywhere- except for Texas.

-Most likely to get run over by a bike: Tie between Portland and Seattle. I think I saw more bikes than cars...and due to the very steep hills they definitely can go pretty fast. so you better move out of their way.

-Most likely to run into an activist (of any kind): Portland. In one afternoon I got stopped about 4 or 5 times by various people trying to get me to sign petitions. "Excuse me, would you like to help me save the ancient forests?" was probably my favorite. These people are serious about having causes. Cardboard cutouts of Obama were ducktaped around various historical statues around the city. Who needs Lewis and Clark anyway?

norcal and oregon...

2008-05-13T20:21:00.001-07:00

cannot begin to express how beautiful it is here so far. i just can't. these pictures don't even come close.

kierkegaard

2008-05-08T02:53:00.000-07:00

recently I read some writings by Soren Kierkegaard. He definitely has some very strong opinions about the mediocrity of Christianity in the “modern age” (‘modern’ considering he wrote in 1800s Denmark ha)
some things I found interesting:

“how wretched and miserable it is to find in a person many good intentions but few good deeds.”

“it is only all too easy to understand the requirements contained in God’s Word (“Give all your goods to the poor.” “If anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the left.” “If anyone takes your coat, let him have your cloak also.” “Rejoice always.” “Count it as sheer joy when you meet various temptations” etc.) The most ignorant, poor creature cannot honestly deny being able to understand God’s requirements. But it is tough on the flesh to will to understand it and then to act accordingly. Herein lies the problem. It is not a question of interpretation, but action.”

“Nowadays we can become or live as Christians in the most pleasant way and without ever risking the slightest possibility of offense. All we have to do is start with the status quo and observe good virtues. We can continue to make our lives comfortable by scraping together the world’s goods, as long as we stir into the pot what is Christian as a seasoning, an ingredient that almost serves to refine our enjoyment of life. This kind of Christianity is but a religious variation of the world’s unbelief…”

“We could at least be truthful before God and admit our weakness instead of reducing the requirements.”

“A revolutionary age is an age of action; ours is the age of advertisement and publicity.”

“Our age is without passion. Everyone knows a great deal, we all know which way we ought to go and all the different ways we can go, but nobody is really willing to move.”

"the gamecocks crippled kenny chesney!!"

2008-05-02T06:14:00.000-07:00

so rock star friend melissa scored us some free tickets to the kenny chesney/brooks & dunn/leann rimes/gary allen/luke bryan/every other country star concert in cola last weekend. despite the nausea i got from the red and black everywhere, the only time i would set foot in williams brice (other then when clemson is killing carolina) would be a free concert.

now, country concerts are always an experience....but when you have a concert that is from 4pm until, and people start drinking when the sun comes up it always makes a memorable event.
despite the long walks to and from the car (we got up to the entrance where melissa got informed her camera was 'too big.' i had three strikes against me by trying to bring in a camera, an umbrella and an "oversized bag." (of course the bag was big! it had to fit my giant forbidden camera!). so we ditched everything except some cash and our sunglasses and tried again.

when we finally got inside to our seats, the show only got better as the night went on. and by show, i am not referring about the country singers but the drunk people sitting around us.
case in point:
2 rows down, drunken girl passes out and has to be carried out by the paramedics. i mean, she is GONE by 5:30pm. drunk lady next to me starts taking pictures and tells me, "i am going to put this in my scrapbook" in the most obnoxious drunk country accent possible. her friend leans over to me and says, "if she was my friend and she wasn't dead, i would kill her! those tickets were $90! ....but she might be dead already." i look at melissa, trying not to laugh because i am afraid that if i do they might try to kill ME and then i would be the next one taken out on a stretcher.

hours later, kenny chesney finally comes on, only to have his foot crushed by the rising platform he was supposed to enter on. half the stadium didn't know what happened because of the 10 coronas they each had consumed in the past few hours. he proceeded to hobble around for the rest of the night, taking breaks periodically to hide behind his guitarists keeled over in pain. despite a broken foot, he put on a pretty good show. leave it to the gamecocks to cripple a country star. maybe next time he'll play in death valley instead.

and then i found five dollars.

no, really i did.

laundry

2008-02-20T12:56:00.001-08:00

a sign you have entered "adult world" is that at least half your clothes require slightly more effort than just throwing them in the dryer after you wash them.

unlike the tooth fairy and the easter bunny,

2008-02-17T10:25:00.000-08:00

the monkey lady does exist.

and of course, she is related to us (or she is our "kin" to properly reference the term). mom didn't believe it either... until she actually met the monkey lady while she was in walterboro the other week. sadly, i was not present to experience the excitement.

apparently the "monkey lady" (as she is referred to around walterboro) is a distant cousin of ours. surprise suprise. we have strange relatives. how do ya'll think momma, aunt meg and nancy were able to write 3 books? because we have got real life inspiration right and left around here.

the monkey lady explained that she used to have many monkeys, but she took most of them to florida to give away.
except connie of course.
connie is the monkey she kept. connie apparently goes everywhere with her ("except to the hospital"), is bathed daily, wears diapers at night, and sleeps between her and her husband ("i like to keep an eye on her, because you know monkeys can get into everything...").

i told mom i needed to meet and document this lady and connie for our family photo album. maybe i can have lunch with her....i need to work on that next time i'm in walterboro.
i wish i could make this stuff up, but i can't. :)

"When you find out things about yourself
That you hadn't ought to know
When your grandma calls and books you
On the Jerry Springer show
And you find out you and your wife of ten years
Just might be related
Brother, life's not over
it's just Simply complicated
Life is complicated with its Ifs and ands and buts
It's alright to be crazy, Just don't let it drive you nuts" -Jimmy Buffett

one year of cancer free-dom

2008-02-09T15:14:00.001-08:00

i found out this week that i have passed the one year test. after a long wait (thanks to my doctor deciding to take monday off), I was at work when I finally got the voicemail i had been waiting for: "you are completely fine!" exhausted and excited, i went home and cried myself into a nice long nap curled up with my heating pad. (my body temp isn't quite back to normal yet haha).

a lot of the fear and anxiety i have experienced in the past few years has diminished over the past 12 months. my God has been so kind to me in many ways, and through many people. if you are reading this, you are probably one of them. thanks for the encouragment.

the Lord has granted me at least another year. which for me, equals finally being able to move on with my life. finally making plans for things down the road, but being flexible to what God may have in store for me.

"We plan and figure and predict that this or that will happen, but we forget to make room for God to come in as he chooses. Do not look for God to come in any particular way, but do look for Him...No matter how well we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that He may break in at any minute. We tend to overlook this element of surprise, but God never works in any other way. " -Oswald Chambers

2008.....get excited!
i am.

thyroid insanity and answered prayer

2008-01-30T05:47:00.001-08:00

not all of ya'll got these, but they are actual emails that went out within an hour of each other yesterday:

8:30am
hey ya'll-

so latest update as of a few minutes ago.....got my blood work done yesterday and just got the results. Two weeks ago, my TSH level was at 1.75 and I has to be at least 30 to have the test, so they made me wait until this week to check again. My TSH is now 129. Which means I am a walking dead person pretty much. The doctor seemed real surprised that it got that high (story of my life).

Unfortunately, I am not able to have the scan this week. Normally I would take a radioactive pill, get scanned and be done (pretty quick procedure). However this year I was just informed that I have to have a more invasive scan. The only day they can do this is on February 4th. I will be injected with some radioactive fluid at 11am and scanned at 3:30pm. Which means, I am still on the diet and still off my meds for another week.

Prayer requests:

-That I can make it through work this week (no thryoid = diminished brain function = aly is an idiot). The Lord's strength will be displayed if I do, because I certainly can't do it on my own.
-That the teachers will have grace and I can rearrange my schedule for monday so I do not have to take the day off.
-That I can make it through the weekend...particularly with energy and not being able to eat at several large events (which includes having to work on Saturday morning, a family birthday party, and the super bowl... which i may skip entirely (sorry wynn and john!).
-That the Lord will have mercy on me during the injection procedure on Monday (if you know me, you know I don't do well with needles in my arms) and that the scan will be clear.

I know the Lord is working through this just like everything else. But honestly, I am just real discouraged/frustrated and it doesn't help that I am psychotic by this point for being off my medicine for over a month. My mom is coming to take care of me today. Please just pray.

In His Kind Arms,
aly
..............................................................................

9:30am
well, not sure who read the last email, but your prayers worked! (thanks cheryl and simonsl! :)

i called the doctor upset and asked if there was any way they could do it sooner. she put me on hold, then came back on and told me that they made a mistake and had scheduled me for the WRONG scan at the hospital (makes you wonder how often that happens?) She worked it so i could have everything done ASAP.

I am getting my pill tomorrow and having the scan on Friday (YAY! which means no injection and i get to start my meds on Friday afternoon).

God has an ironic sense of humor. I think he's teaching me to be flexible.
aly

So needless to say, it was an emotional rollercoaster of a day.
Really, I just need ya'll to pray that I can make it through the next few days. My body feels like its dying, my hair is falling out, i get dizzy when i stand up, and I still have to work until Saturday afternoon. I am so grateful for the Lord and his mercy working it out that I can have this done now instead of next week because I don't think I could have lasted that long. Thanks for the emails...I love ya'll.

i want some m&ms

2008-01-16T18:44:00.000-08:00

God is so funny sometimes.

So this morning before coffee with my mentor extraordinaire (Debi) I am sitting at Starbucks reading this:
"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 4

I told Debi that over Christmas was the first time I had thought about making some plans for my life since I had gotten sick a few years ago. During my 2 weeks of down time I had a lot of time to read and be still and I realized that I have been so afraid to make plans for fear that I wouldn't be around to carry them out. It sounds silly I know...I was "cancer free" as of last February. But along with my yearly scans to make sure it hasn't come back comes a host of fears all over again.

So I was supposed to have my yearly scan this week and then be able to slowly go back on my synthroid pill. I've been off my thyroid replacement meds for about 2 weeks, and on a low-iodine diet which knocks out anything with salt, eggs, dairy products, soy, butter, seafood, certain veggies, anything in a can, and red dye #3, etc. etc. etc. Which means that you are hungry. And tired. And craving candy to the point of killing someone (or maybe that is just me).

However, after some TSH bloodwork my doc says I will have to wait 2 more weeks....I might feel horrible now, but my blood isn't ready yet. "You do not know what will happen tomorrow..." How about you do not know what will happen today! The Lord is teaching me patience, dependence and flexibility. Apparently I need to hold onto my plans loosely.

so as my brain is going to mush over the next month or two (according to "thyroid for dummies" being hypothroid = confusion, memory loss, dizziness and an ironic sense of humor...not even kidding on that one) ya'll will have pardon me if i am a complete idiot. :)

highlights from the holidays...

2007-12-27T13:34:00.000-08:00

well we survived christmas. at least so far. dad's back is full of staples- but he is walking , the dog did NOT knock over the christmas tree (thank goodness), and rachel's heart is on the mend.

memorable tidbits from christmas vacation:

-so we got an elevator lift installed in the new house. it was much needed since the grandparents can't hike up tons of stairs and dad just had back surgery. however, the current temporary elevator is not ours exactly. the welder apparently didn't come through on his end of the bargain, so our elevator guy stole our lift from the nuns. (so we could use it while the grandparents are here) i wish i could make this stuff up, but i can't.

elevator guy: "Since the "sisters" are on christmas vacation, i figured they wouldn't need it for a few days while ya'll used it," he tells us. "and don't worry about it being able to lift everybody. the sisters are pretty good sized, so i figure it can lift ya'll."

i don't know where these supposed hefty nuns are that are missing an elevator, but i hope they don't come back anytime soon.

-So I got assigned the task of picking up the ham from the Honey Baked Ham store in West Ashley. After sitting in an hour of traffic, I finally get to the store only to find that they have posted a cop outside the honey baked ham store. Is there a problem with people stealing hams at the holidays??? Or do people have violent outbursts when they run out of bread or cranberry relish or something? I am not sure, but the Honey Baked Cop looked pretty serious to me.

-And finally, quotable quote from my sister:
(While watching the news)
Rachel: "Who is this Gooliani they are talking about? That sounds like a kind of pasta or something."
Me: "Its Giuliani Rach. Not Goo. And he's trying to be the president."

and the award goes to.....

2007-12-15T14:46:00.000-08:00

quote of the year:

"yeah...he's kind of like margerine in that way."

-cheryl woods

shane and shane

2007-12-02T18:54:00.000-08:00

hear my prayer, give Your ear
in Your faithfulness answer me
in Your righteousness do not judge
for no one is righteous

teach me to do Your will Lord
for you are my God
Your Spirit is good
lead me on level ground Lord
for You are my God
Your Spirit is good
it is good

revive me, revive me
not for me but for Your name
in Your mercy deliver me from my enemies
revive me

i rememebr days of old
Your works i meditate oh Lord
i consider all the works of Your hands
i lift up my hands to you, my soul longs
revive me

-Psalm 143

storms on the horizon

2007-12-01T11:24:00.000-08:00

at the greer house, when it rains....it pours.

ya'll pray for us. its gonna be an interesting holiday season.

distant acts of charity

2007-10-09T17:05:00.000-07:00

Below: some discussion about how most of us are nowhere close to living the type of life that Christ called us to live. It makes me feel real selfish. I'm trying to figure out what to do about it.

"The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. How would I ever get on in the world? Herein lies the real place of Christian scholarship. Christian scholarship is the Church's prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close. Oh, priceless scholarship, what would we do without you? Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God. Yes, it is even dreadful to be alone with the New Testament" - Soren Kierkegaard

"Its much more comfortable to depersonalize the poor so we don't feel responsible for the catastrophic human failure that results in someone sleeping on the street while people have spare bedrooms in their homes. We can volunteer in a social program or distribute excess food and clothing through organizations and never have to open up our homes, our beds, our dinner tables. When we get to heaven, we will be separated into those sheep and goats Jesus talks about in Matthew 25 based on how we cared for the least among us. I'm just not convinced that Jesus is going to say, "When I was hungry, you gave a check to the United Way and they fed me," or, "When I was naked, you donated clothes to the Salvation Army and they clothed me." Jesus is not seeking distant acts of charity. He seeks concrete acts of love: "you fed me...you visited me in prison...you welcomed me into your home...you clothed me." - Shane Claiborne

you know you're out in the country when...

2007-09-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

so sometimes i have to travel to really really really small towns to do presentations at a high school (like today). here are some signs that you are out in the stix:

-You pass 6 taxidermy places within 20 minutes of each other
-All the streets are named after produce, animals, or farm equipment (Ex: "Blueberry Lane," "Watermelon Road," "Kicking Horse Circle" and "Tractor Drive"....not even kidding).
-The speed limit for the whole town never exceeds 30 miles an hour (and sometimes gets down to 15mph) and there is only 1 stoplight within a 30-40 mile radius.
-You lose all cell phone service from the moment you get off the I-26 exit.

Just a few tidbits from my day..... :)

long time gone

2007-09-13T19:09:00.000-07:00

okay okay.....so i haven't abandoned the blog i promise. my work computer has it blocked so I have to make an extra special effort to get on my old laptop to write anything. there have been some complaints from the lack of blogging (well, only by my dad and rachel....who says she needs something to read in accounting). so this one's for you kid.

i just finished reading a book a few weeks ago called "the irrestibable revolution." wimbo read it and said it was awesome. it is.

it is one of those books that just changes you. and you don't really know where to begin in the process of making all of these changes. there will be some quotes from it coming soon....i promise. the writer basically talks about how we really don't live how jesus challenges us to in the bible. how we have watered down the gospel so much to fit in with our often self-righteous habits....and how jesus disliked that most about the pharisees. how often are we spending time with the poor? with hurting people? dying people? how come we have extra bedrooms but we let homeless people sleep on the streets... and then feel good about ourselves for volunteering at the soup kitchen for a night? jesus didn't tell us to give money to a good charity.....he told us to love people. and loving them is not distantly throwing a few dollars or a free meal their way. it is spending time with them and investing in their search for the Lord. and i really think the church as a whole would really change if we stopped always hoarding the gobs of information we learn about Jesus that we use for making us feel better about ourselves and instead we sometimes take the knowledge of Jesus' love and shared it with other people.

i don't know. i have just been thinking about all this a lot. and its taking a while to process how i should be living it out in my own daily life.

beginning on my quest to become paula deen.....

2007-07-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

just kidding. well....half kidding anyway.

wow, i have not written on here in a long time.

i can't help it. my work computer won't let me blog b/c it has it blocked. and since this is the first week i have been home in forever, i haven't had a chance.
(haha...i talk like people other than my dad actually read this. i love you dad).

my first week of my new job was spent in pittsburgh. i left charleston around 6am, hoping to sleep on the way there, but sitting next to people on the plane who wanted to chat on both of my flights. however, the lady on the longer flight just so happened to start talking about faith, and her doubts, and her thoughts about the church, etc. etc. etc. Talk about the Lord handing me the easiest conversation ever to talk about my testimony, my experiences with God, and my love of Jesus. Her husband kept asking me if I wanted him to make her be quiet...haha. It was awesome...but...the bad part about plane rides is they are so short and you never see those people again. i am praying that the things we talked about and the reading i recommended will help her on her journey.

so i get to pittsburgh. at 10:30 on a sunday morning. practically everything in the whole city is closed, but i get on the hotel shuttle to go see the andy warhol museum. on the shuttle, i meet a guy and his kids who give me a free ticket to the Chicago Cubs/Pittsburgh Pirates game. I mean, really. Ridiculous.
So I go the museum....drool over the cambell's soup cans.....and meet them at their seats at the baseball game.....ON THE 5TH ROW....ON THE THIRD BASELINE. needless to say,i bought a baseball hat and some cracker jacks and called my dad to gloat over my amazingly strange luck that day.

okay okay. so the job. basically 40 new "rookies"from across the US trained the past two weeks (pittsburgh, then charlotte) learning everything about the Art Institutes nationwide. We memorized presentations, studied, and then had to get up and present...the 15 new culinary reps went into the kitchens with one of the top chefs in the country and he laughed at us while we learned to chop, mince, dice, and julienne. Somewhere between the dicing and the julienne I cut off half my fingernail and quickly got familiar with the first aid station in the kitchen. (i wasn't the only casualty, okay?).

The funny part was, all 40 of us had similar personalities. Meaning....the majority of us could have a conversation with a brick wall and like getting up in front of people. So when we were all together, it was a little.....loud.....to say the least. :)

i think one of the most enjoyable things so far is that i can be more of myself in this job. they want me to be funny....they want me to talk to people. crazy i know. i'm not afraid of taking a wrong step and getting fired for stapling something the wrong way, or not cleaning out the fridge, or something like that.

well....that and the fact that it gives me an excuse to watch the food network.

wrong number

2007-06-27T05:52:00.000-07:00

picking up a weird number:

me: hello! this is aly
redneck guy: HE - LLO!!!
me: hello?
redneck guy: who is this?
me: aly
redneck guy: who?
me: ALY
redneck guy: Aly!!!! What's going ooooon?!!!
me: what?
redneck guy: oh, i know i have the wrong number, but you just sounded purty.
me: ........thank you?
redneck guy: YOUR WELCOME!!!!!
me: well....have a good day!
redneck guy: YOU have a good day purty lady!

oh.....hi.......oh!

2007-06-23T16:03:00.001-07:00

why are there so many people from ohio here? i don't know anyone from ohio or i would ask them.

has anybody else noticed this?

oh. my. goodness.

2007-06-20T10:10:00.000-07:00

i got a new job!

more on this later. :)

happy birthday to me

2007-06-19T07:39:00.001-07:00

23.

thats getting close to 25.
when you were little, 25 was old....25 was an adult.

am i really grown up now? most days i feel about... 12.
people i talk to on the phone at work tell me i sound like i'm 12 haha.

forget numbers, how i know i am offically an adult: i am at work on my birthday for the first time in my life. they are taking me out to lunch though, so that makes it a little better. :)

to my family and friends: thanks for all the messages- i love ya'll!

asking

2007-06-11T11:13:00.000-07:00

so over the past few months a phrase that debi has drilled into our heads is,
"What comes to mind when you think about God is the most important thing about you."
...meaning that what you perceive God's character to be often reflects on the spiritual condition of your heart at that moment.

and for me, recently I have realized (or God has shown me) that I wasn't acting like i believed he is the giver of good things. i think it really boils down to the fact that i don't feel like i deserve them....well i know i don't. i think i forget to focus on grace.

I have gone through enough hard circumstances to know and believe that they can turn out to be blessings in the end.... though you first have to suffer through the trials. and although that does happen sometimes, that isn't the way it always has to be.

.....what about blessings that are just... blessings? asking God for something good and believing that if it is his will, he will give it to you? some days i have these big dreams....and i am afraid to ask for them because some small part of me is telling me "you are not made for big things! you can't even manage the small things in your life right now!" and that is a lie. God tells us to ask. He wants us to ask for impossible things, so that in our undeserving sinful weakness, he can give us a miracle and be glorified.

http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php?month=06&day=09&year=07

James 1:
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."

i'm trying to believe. i'm daring to ask.

title? i don't know. i lose my creative edge after 2pm.

2007-05-30T12:18:00.001-07:00

some things i am learning:

-sitting behond a desk for the majority of my day is slowly taking years off my life. i am working on remedying this. people every day are suffocating in the land of cubicles and multi-lined phones and carpel tunnel syndrome and i don't know how they do it for 30 years.

-most people (at least most people i know) are really not enjoying their first job out of college. this makes me feel good....well, better. not because my friends are suffering through horrible work experiences, but because i am not the only idiot that made a bad first career choice. there is strength in numbers guys. we'll learn from our mistakes.

-despite our craziness, my family is dysfunctionally functional. if that makes sense. the more and more I am exposed to really really bad family situations at work, the more I am thankful that my parents are relatively normal the majority of the time. i love them. :) they are really funny.

-how to catch bait. dad has officially declared me a "bubbette" (the female version of a bubba?). this honorable title was bestowed upon me after i successfully learned how to throw the cast net this weekend. after getting covered in pluff mud and a mouth of salt water, i did actually manage to catch some shrimp. yay.

-and....my brain often tries to convince me not to do what the Lord is telling me. Like when I am praying about a job with a Christian company and the Lord says clearly not to take it, my brain is saying "No!!! What are you doing!!! You need a job!!! These people are nice! This doesn't make any sense at all!" This is a problem. I am having to tell my brain to be quiet more and more frequently these days. Perhaps I am learning obedience even in seemingly illogical circumstances. I am banking on the fact that relying on earthly wisdom leads to disorder (see James 3).

*note: after writing this initially, i went home and read this below:
ha. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor? (and an ironic one at that).

"Yes— But . . .!"

Lord, I will follow You, but . . . —Luke 9:61
Suppose God tells you to do something that is an enormous test of your common sense, totally going against it. What will you do? Will you hold back? If you get into the habit of doing something physically, you will do it every time you are tested until you break the habit through sheer determination. And the same is true spiritually. Again and again you will come right up to what Jesus wants, but every time you will turn back at the true point of testing, until you are determined to abandon yourself to God in total surrender. Yet we tend to say, "Yes, but— suppose I do obey God in this matter, what about . . . ?" Or we say, "Yes, I will obey God if what He asks of me doesn’t go against my common sense, but don’t ask me to take a step in the dark."
Jesus Christ demands the same unrestrained, adventurous spirit in those who have placed their trust in Him that the natural man exhibits. If a person is ever going to do anything worthwhile, there will be times when he must risk everything by his leap in the dark. In the spiritual realm, Jesus Christ demands that you risk everything you hold on to or believe through common sense, and leap by faith into what He says. Once you obey, you will immediately find that what He says is as solidly consistent as common sense.
By the test of common sense, Jesus Christ’s statements may seem mad, but when you test them by the trial of faith, your findings will fill your spirit with the awesome fact that they are the very words of God. Trust completely in God, and when He brings you to a new opportunity of adventure, offering it to you, see that you take it. We act like pagans in a crisis— only one out of an entire crowd is daring enough to invest his faith in the character of God.

trusting in his promises

2007-05-29T13:54:00.000-07:00

listening to selah:
you are my hiding place
you always fill my heart
with songs of deliverance
whenever i am afraid
i will trust in you

i will trust in you
let the weak say i am strong
in the strength of the Lord
i will trust in you

then happened to go home and read Psalm 32 on the same day. weird.
well, not weird. God.

1 Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
2 Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.
3 When I kept silent, my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "
— and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found
surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him.
7 You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.
9 Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.
10 Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD's unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him.
11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart!

If he says he will, then he will. A promise is a promise, after all.

perseverance

2007-05-08T06:17:00.000-07:00

good for me to hear today.

the outcastes

2007-05-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

so a week or two ago a missionary came and spoke to our sunday school at church. he lives overseas a good bit of the time. and he was talking about the caste system that is in place where he is...

the majority of the population is in the lowest caste and many are even completely outside of the caste system all together...the outcastes. these people are pariahs of "civilized" society... considered to be nothing but"talking animals" by the upper castes.
their voices cannot be heard by people in the upper castes b/c it would "pollute" them...they cannot touch something at the same time as someone in the upper caste b/c it would be considered the same as physically touching them...something the upper castes consider disgusting. some of the outcastes are termed "unsee-ables" because they cannot even be seen by anyone in the upper castes. they travel the streets only at night under the cover of darkness to do things like sweeping the streets and removing garbage.

so.....these things have really stuck with me. it makes me physically sick to think about this kind of injustice. partly because its sad that only a few dedicated people are even attempting to do anything about this problem.
and partly because of a dream i've had.
i rarely rememember my dreams, usually just my nightmares (too bad its not the other way around). i'm not sure if this would qualify as a nightmare or not, but it certainly is disturbing to me. since i've had it about 4 or 5 separate times now, i figured it might be something i should think about.

anyway, in the dream i am driving on this particular road in charleston and i see this homeless guy standing by the side of the road. and he's looking at me...right at me in the eyes. and he's crying.

that's it. then i wake up.
and i've been looking for him ever since.

i've been thinking about our 'unsee-ables' in charleston. the people we try not to look at...or don't look at. we pretend we don't see the homeless people standing on the corners with signs, or in the market in wheelchairs asking for change.
but its not just them.
how often do we look at the clerk in the grocery store line? i mean, really look at them in the face and speak words to them other than the automatic response of "i'm doing good thanks"? do we treat them any differently than the automated machine in the u-scan line?
what about the people stranded on the side of the road by their broken down cars looking hot and tired?and do we treat the people at the drive through window with frustration as we snatch our food from them because we had to wait in line for 5 minutes?

i guess i've been thinking about how much we don't treat people like...people. really we are no better than those living by their castes. we treat people like talking animals sometimes too. and that needs to change. really we need to see people as Jesus saw them....as precious treasures...lost and in need of God's love.

Psalm 72:1-14
"Give the king your justice, O God,and your righteousness to the royal son!
May he judge your people with righteousness,and your poor with justice!
Let the mountains bear prosperity for the people,and the hills, in righteousness!
May he defend the cause of the poor of the people,give deliverance to the children of the needy,and crush the oppressor!...
For he delivers the needy when he calls,the poor and him who has no helper.
He has pity on the weak and the needy,and saves the lives of the needy.
From oppression and violence he redeems their life,and precious is their blood in his sight."

thank goodness someone else can verbalize it

2007-04-25T10:25:00.000-07:00

Article from Relevant:

"Lately, life has been overwhelming and incomprehensible, and it scares me. I’m afraid to even have a plan or a dream because I’m afraid of being wrong. I’ve been wrong so much lately it seems. I don’t know as much about what I want as I think.

My compassion occasionally grants people the right to walk all over me. My ambition sometimes chokes my relationships, because I forget to slow down and really see people. My goal of excellence pushes me too far, and before I know it I’m expecting perfection from others and myself. My optimism causes me to be hurt by life’s disappointments and failures. My feisty character sometimes causes me to say or do things I regret later. My thirst for knowledge often turns to arrogance. My desire to be known sometimes causes me to act self-important. My self-consciousness prompts me to hide. My independent spirit sometimes alienates people when I actually really need them.

It seems like lately I’ve been erring on the wrong side of my personality, like life is all leaning in one direction, like gravity is pulling me downward when I’d really like to learn how to fly. I’m discovering more and more flaws, more and more things I need to work through.

And I cry out to God to heal me, to give me wisdom in the complexities of life, to grant me the courage and humility to apologize, to allow me to see myself truthfully. Yet, I’m still wrong sometimes. I hurt other people. I hurt myself. I hurt God.

It’s never made sense to me that God would guide me to be wrong. So, I’m surprised at how often I muddle up the things I feel very strongly that God has led me to do. But, at the same time, I don’t regret any fumbled steps. I know God was there with me for each stagger. Maybe it’s possible for God to guide us to do things even though He knows we’re going to flounder and blunder our way through it. Maybe that’s what God’s grace looks like—it fills the gap between our bumpy, messy lives and His glory.

My faults, my failures, my fumbles and my messes … That is where the glory of God comes in and illuminates, not for the sake of my knowing or understanding life, but for my seeing the greatness of God.

Maybe my mistake is in thinking I have to look like porcelain in order for God’s glory to be evident. Maybe I actually have to allow myself to be seen as the mess I really am. Because in my weaknesses, in the cracks in the porcelain, others may see the power and goodness of God."

--Rebecca Mayer

must...stay...awake

2007-04-20T19:01:00.000-07:00

so i'm killing time till i have to go back to relay for life at midnight for my graveyard shift for a few more hours.

here is a picture from me and barbara after our survivor lap....my first year as a survivor!

quote of the night: (as the survivors are standing in line to get our free banquet of food)

"well, we lose our hair...pay thousands of dollars in medical bills...but at least they repay us with a sash and a ton of really good free food! Haha......they probably think we are all still on steroids and have the munchies..."

other good ones from this weird week:

"This is my new cat. His name is Squish and he has one eye." (Older lady I went to visit).

"I know they say you are supposed to respect your elders, but it is getting harder and harder to find any!" (Old man at a health fair)

easter

2007-04-11T13:05:00.000-07:00

was good this year.

partly because we made it through the weekend without any hospital visits.

partly because i purposefully guarded enough time to really try and reflect throughout the weekend about the incredible-ness that is the cross.
good friday served sufficiently to kick me in my face with the overwhelming amount of ugliness that comes way too naturally to me. JI Packer writes that,

"Still he shows his freedom and lordship by discriminating between sinners, causing some to hear the gospel while others do not hear it, and moving some of those who hear it to repentance while leaving others in their unbelief, thus teaching his saints that he owes mercy to none and that it is entirely of his grace, not at all through their own self effort, that they themselves have found life."

it surely is only by his grace that he has chosen me for some odd reason. but i am extremely thankful that he did.

the weekend was spent with my whole crazy southern family down at edisto...pretty much doing nothing but eating because it was too cold to go fishing. :) it also included some much needed time with mom and dad assuring me that no, i'm not crazy... that its okay that i don't have my whole career planned out yet...that 22 years old is much too young to "fail at life" (okay so i was being dramatic)...and that no, they don't mind that i still need taking care of and they actually enjoy helping me stumble forward into my future... because thats what parents do when they love their children.

oh. and i got to play with my dog.

but perhaps the highlight of the weekend was when in the middle of the church service on sunday morning (in a pretty conservative baptist church on the island), a little boy with down's syndrome stood up with his arms raised and yelled "YAY FOR EASTER!!!!!" and the whole church broke into loud applause and "amens". it sort of felt like a movie or something because the moment was almost too perfect to be real. really, we should all be that excited that jesus has risen that we want to yell about it...even after easter is over.

so...YAY FOR EASTER

on my desk calendar yesterday,

2007-04-05T12:50:00.000-07:00

the quote for the day was "The love of a genuine, patient and true friend gives us one small glimpse of what it will be like to be with God for all eternity"

and strangely enough, God sent a dear friend out of the blue to refresh me yesterday in the middle of the week. she doesn't live here and i miss her. our friendship is....comfortable. honest. it feels sort of like coming back home. we have seen each other at our worst (when we are complaining or irritable... or worse) and we still love each other. she encourages me to be a better person...a more godly person.

and we had dinner and fell asleep talking about how weird it is that we are supposedly adults now.

it was wonderful. and i needed it to get through the week.

thanks for the visit...i love you! :)

better than a birthday

2007-04-03T08:43:00.001-07:00

happy cancer-versary to me! :)

Bridge Run 2006 vs. Bridge Run 2007

2007-04-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

so.....we are all still recovering from the bridge run on saturday. or at least i am. my body is apparently fairly angry at me for forcing it to run 6.2 miles. :)
but, i did manage to cut a few minutes off my time from last year so i was happy.

the only thing i could think of while i was running was where i was a year ago.

the day before the bridge run last year, i had my biopsy done on my thryoid. the doctor had told me that i could still run (as long as i "didn't try to beat the kenyans or anything"...ha). so i ran my very first bridge run last year...with a bandaid on my throbbing neck and wondering if i had cancer or not. two days later on april 3rd, i got a phone call telling me that yes, in fact, i did.

the weeks that followed leading into easter 2006 seem like a blur. i don't think we even celebrated easter at all actually....cancer surgeries, a death, and a heart attack hailstormed down on our family within the same week...so much so that we stayed on a constant sense of alert waiting for the next bad thing to happen throughout the rest of the year.

during this years bridge run i couldn't help but thank the Lord for bringing me and my family through all of that mess somehow. 2007 has been a lot better....not easy, but better.
i am cancer free.
it doesn't get old no matter how many times i say that. :)
The Lord does not promise that we never will go through rough times but he is faithful to bring us out of them.

"But now thus says the LORD,he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you..." Isaiah 43: 1-4

cool poem

2007-03-30T13:06:00.000-07:00

Written by Nate Millheim from ReIMAGINE:

"This bit of spoken word poetry was written as I walked through the diverse and beautiful Mission District of San Francisco, asking God to help me simply love …

My Thoughts

Sometimes they get all messed up,
they get all jacked up, all tripped up.

I see the tough guy with the tank-top under the double-x T-shirt,
gold chains hanging down
and a scowl on the brow,
and I feel threatened,
I feel offended, I feel defensive.

I see the hipster with the precocious smirk,
listening to some band he’s proud to know because other people don’t.
The T-shirt with the cute little graphic
New Balance shoes, Cool tattoos, the funky hat,
the ritual coffee cup and the road bike that makes him peg his right pant leg on his oh so tight jeans.

My thoughts get all messed up in my head,
I’d like to love but I’d rather not.
My own insecurities and my own peculiarities are calling.

The little boys hop the fence into the half finished Garfield Square.
Pipes and rocks are used instead of the baseball bats and balls that never came on Christmas morning.
Rocks are whizzing past my baby girl’s head.
Anger rises in my veins like a wave at Mavericks.

What feelings am I feeling now? What thoughts race through my tired brain?

When the man at the park scolds me, shaking his head, for not bringing him a bicycle .
While my family sits the drunken man knocks on the window of my car and complains that we will not give him food. He shakes his head in anger and disgust, scaring my two lovely ladies.

What now? Thoughts, feelings, thoughts, feelings, thoughts, feelings ...

I need to breathe.
I need to stop.
I need to rest.

My God says He loves, He cares, He sympathizes, He wishes well
He created ... In HIS IMAGE

He grieves when He sees the heroine needles.
He cries when He sees the lonely child.

Jesus spoke of a life abundant,
A life He came for us to have.

Echoes from my Sunday school childhood ring in my ear ...

Change my heart oh God, Make it ever true
Change my heart oh God, May I be like you

Let me be so in tune, like a head bopping to a Jay Z tune
My thoughts full of your thoughts

May my brain be full of good thoughts, full of generosity
May my heart be filled with a compassion it has never known
May my feelings find direction and inspiration from my Creator

Let me think YOUR thoughts and feel YOUR feelings for the people I see."